The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm looking forward to leaving my supposedly sober *special AH*........only not too much...... this is the millionth time my heart hurts to leave......
He's more than an addict.....I'm beleiving strongly got an antisocial type personality disorder because even though they might be sober, they still never change do they? He's just as neurotic as ever and him being around makes me as neurotic as he to the point where even I find myself being a borderline type personality :( Not joking, It really is affecting my mental health...... especially after staying with him through many times of cheating and him not being faithful or loving............
There is so much tention because of our rocky past between us and I feel it's difficult for my children to see. I still want their daddy around though, as I was lucky to grow up pretty content with both my parents......It breaks my heart for them, but at the same time for me....
And then I completley hate him.....I'm so angry at him and at his unconsideration. Because even when he is not on drugs he is very emotionally unavailable.....and the resentment is still there.....yet I must be delusional to think that he actually ever cared...ugh! After 6 years, is it possible to completley be delusional to the point where you know someone is bad for you, you know they are only selfseeking.....yet tell yourself that they do love you only because they express that they NEED you in their lives....They love you because they need you and they do not know where they would be?.........He's holding a very good career considering the recession, though he comes up with lame exuses for me not to manage the money (i'm a full time student), and then the bills come up and I get calls telling me that they havn't been paid? (on many occasions)....I cannot stress about him.....I have school and two little ones that need both if not MY full blown attention......
I just need someone to tell me that it will all be ok.....and that New Begginnings can be positive......especially where little ones are involved.....I'm afraid to make the wrong choice.....I'm afraid that the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side......
Been there, married to the xah for 26 years, lived thru so much drama near death experiences and infidelity, and even twins from another woman.
Till I said enough is enough, we didnt have any children to consider so that was good.
What your describing regarding your husband is a sick alcoholic. What we really hate is the disease, its sometimes hard to separate the disease from the man. Try not to project what you think his feelings are towards you. I really think the alcoholic wants to do right by us, they just cant.
Turn the focus back on you Rose, its when we turn to the A for answers that we start to get off course. Stay connected to your HP, the answers and solutions will come. Nothing stays the same forever. Wishing you happiness and wisdom in all things. Luv, Bettina
Hi (((((Rose))))!! My heart goes out to you and I just wanted you to know that, and to know that there are others who care and have been in your shoes too many times to count- you are NOT alone. I am new to this site but certainly not new to the pain that living with an A brings. I've been doing that for 30 years!
"And then I completley hate him.....I'm so angry at him and at his unconsideration".
Wow, how many times have i had THAT feeling??!! And although I KNOW he is only attacking me because he so dislikes himself, and because it gives him a handy excuse to drink even more, it doesn't seem to help in the heat of the moment, when he is hurling insults and blaming me for all of his problems. It hurts because we love them, because we want so badly to help them and we feel that we've failed. It hurts because although we know that they are the ones with the problem, it seems that WE are always the one who gets hurt by it. It hurts because we want them to love us as much as we love them, and they don't seem to be able to do that. Having children in the picture makes it even more difficult. However, I've always been of the opinion that my children couldn't really live a happy life if I was miserable. You can try to shield them, you can try to keep your problems from them, but that sometimes makes it even worse for them. Because the don't understand and often come to feel that the grown ups in their lives are unhappy because of them. I try never to trash talk their dad in front of them,never to put the in the middle of the situation between me and my AH. I try to remember that regardless of what is going on, he is their dad and always will be. I can end the relationship, but they can't. Even if they choose at some point to cut him out of their lives, he will STILL always be their dad. All you can do is try to find peace of mind for yourself, with or without him. That's hard, and I hope you have a support group like al-anon to help lead you to that place. Keep coming back here, too. I have found so much strength and support here that I wonder how I made it through my days before I found MIP! No one can give you the magic answer that you are looking for. No one can tell you that everything will be ok, or whether or not things would be better if you left him. That is for you and you alone to decide, and that is SO scary. But I can tell you, just from my own experiences, that there is a Higher Power who will give you the answers you are looking for. You have to give it all over to him completely and be willing to really not only listen but DO what He tells you to do. That's been the hardest part for me because I like to feel that I am in control of every situation and that I always know best. I am slowly coming to realize that the more I give it over to Him, the more peace i find. Seperating MY will from His has proven to be the tricky part for me! Good luck to you. Please keep coming back here and try to find a support group in your area where you can talk to others who have been in your place.
I will keep you in my prayers!
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time"
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Change can be scary. I hate any change to my routine, lone enough something this major. When I first told Tim to leave because the drinking had gotten severly out of hand, it was incredibly hard. I still loved the man dearly, but I didn't love the chaos. That's what I had to remind myself when I was having trouble coping with it. I had to ask myself if I really wanted all that chaos back. The answer was no.
I take that same principal and apply it to work. What is it about retail that there is so much drama? Do I really want to engage myself in that? Of course not. I want the same type of serenity that I have at home. The only choas I want is picking up mice, moles and chipmunks from Pipers.
Change is always scary. But it can be empowering, inspiring and full of new possibilities. There is always hope. Never, never give up on that. Stick to your program, attend your meetings all will be well. Try not to dwell on the negative and focus on the positive change you are making for yourself as well as your children. You're a strong person and can get through this. We're right here for you. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
First, know that coming here for support and working the program will help you find a better perspective and improve your life. Second, I have experienced what you describe in your post.
My exHA and I were married for 20 years and I have had the same thoughts as you regarding his increasingly growing into an antisocial personality. It is so scary, hurtful, and difficult. He told me he loved me, but because of his irrational actions, I didn't feel it. I took it personally.
I didn't understand the program until more recently; so, I wasn't able to give it a go while married. Today, I see the value in separating him from his actions that are caused by the disease. That and my HP has helped me find forgiveness. Not carrying the anger around is a big deal- I feel so much lighter and at peace with myself. I realize that it is the disease that makes him emotionally unavailable, self-seeking, generate lies to rationalize his own behavior. Working the alanon tools, and much practice, I am even now able to have conversations with him without taking on his problems and feeling hurt by them.
When he became engaged to his new wife, he told my daughter it is his last chance for happiness. I still love him and am sorry things did not work out differently for us; his remarrying was a huge obstacle for me to adjust. It has been a few weeks since the wedding, and, I found inner peace, by coming to the message boards, the chat room meetings, and leaning on my HP and alanon family.
Yesterday, he said he is really unhappy with his new wife, whom he met at his AA meetings. He said she is controlling to the point of being unreasonable and smothering. His remarriage seems to be another version of his self-generated torture. I feel sorry for him, but even more importantly, I have my program that has put me on a better path... wherever it takes me- I'm on my way.
Keep coming back- the program does work! You don't need to make decisions until you are feeling more comfortable or sure. By keeping the focus on you, the answers will come as you work the program... it is full of surprises and unexpected miracles.
I cant help but respond to your Xah getting married and in a short time is unhappy with his new wife. Sometimes I do get dumbfounded by the actions of A's.
In just a few short weeks he finds he is unhappy with his last chance for happiness. ?
I cant help but say how fortunate we are for the program of Alanon and so happy for you Bud that you are making such great progress.
It also shows how unhappy your XAH is with himself, that he doesnt know that other people cannot bring us happiness. That is something we can only do for ourselves. He is grasping at straws.
Keep on moving forward and Im so glad your here with all of us, so we can move forward together. Keep coming back, because you know it works. Hugs, Bettina
I hear you. My AHsober left five years ago. Dealing with him sober (over 20 years sober) has been more difficult then any drunk he had. He is belligerent, self centered, emotionally unavailable. I could go on. I love the man he used to be. I hate dealing with him. His friends are drunks, divorced, womanizers. He thinks they are great. When I see him all he talks about is divorce. He threatens and never files the papers.
So we go to Alanon to take care of ourselves. Keep the focus on our recovery. Read the literature. Get a sponsor.
My experience was I was not only ok, I was better.The freedom that horrible blackness hanging over you guys will be gone.
It will be so much more comfortable. I know I would rather live in a teepee than the nicest house with someone as you live with.I almost did.
I cannot tell you how much we forget how life can be. Soon as you get away from the "infection" you will start healing. It won't take long and you will find you NEVER want to go back there.
I am sure the kids will feel it too.When they see you are better, they will get better, I promise.
Thank you for your insight. This alone reassures me that all will be well. :)
Bettina, you couldn't have said this better: "when we turn to the A for answers that we start to get off course" - I'll make it a daily priority to keep ME in mind.
Denise, Thank you for the parent advice for I find myself an imperfect parent from time to time. I give them so much love, provide and play with them, but assure them that "little children can be way smarter than big people!"
Karilynn, Great advice! I'll be sure the only chaos I can accept are my pets'! very true* :)
Bud, Wow, I can sense your inner peace with you having let go....I'm prepared for loving this sick person enough, to let him go and let him find his way....and hopefully they'll find the tools for their inner peace.
Deb- thank you for reminding me of that great sense of freedom - it makes sense that surrendering ourselves, rather than fighting it can really be an absolute freedom*
I am over 3 years out from leaving the ex A. I can't say its wonderful but is definitely a lot more manageable.
I do know that some alcoholics do recover. AA is full of them. They do work to change their charactor defects. For some people there are bottoms, others don't choose to recover.
The main thing is I choose to recover. One day at a time I keep my eye on the goals and work at building my self esteem which was absolutely shattered by alcoholism.
That is what I want :) I know I cannot be in control, but I know that I do want a managable, PRODUCTIVE life......Thank you so much Kyta... I'll post a new rant up soon relating to this :) *
I had some much indecision and anger and resentment when I came to Al Anon. I found that when I focussed on myself and set other things aside, answers came to me. Answers that I was content with and sure of. It lots of sharing and reading and prayer, I did get my answers without a lot of fear and angst.
