The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This weekend I had the opportuity to be around my roommates while they partied and got really seriously drunk. They were lurcing around sluring their words and slumping around. One of them had his children come over who were running through the house.
I know I felt incredibly uncomfortable and horrified by their actions. Today I had time to reflect, only a drunken parent would allow their small children to run through a house with the door wide open where anyone could walk in and do whatever to them.
My whole family were addicts of some kind. I had always wondered why and how my parents did not pick up on that I was being abused. I realize now they spent most of their lives like these people absolutely out of it. Who can be a parent in that state?
I also know I spent years and years dealing with the ex A being like that. The state those people were in (and they are not young people by any means) was his idea of happiness. That was what he aimed for any holiday. That was his idea of "fun". My idea of fun is now nothing close to that. Yet for years I sat around and complained about it. For years I tolerated it, resented it, railed against it, competed with it, tried to sabatage it, yelled about it, spewed about it and felt absolutely helpess about it. Then I felt the fact he "partied" meant that he prefered other people's company to mine. Yeah slurred words, spilling stuff everywhere, lurching. leering and slurping are really attractive qualities. These people could hardly utter a syllable, they stumbled everywhere, they were incoherent, they passed out. Is that something I should have felt jealous of? I must have viewed myself pretty low on the totem pole....
Thankfully the landlord has said that because of fire regulations that the barbecue has to be moved to the front yard. I'll still be aware of these shenanigans but I won't see them.
Needless to say I feel totally disgruntled, "off" and pretty upset. I think what I'm most upset about it is that this spectacle is and was my "norm". I can't even believe I put up with it for one second.
I know why, I know how and I know I want to be a million miles from it. Yet having it there right in my front makes so much sense of the "whys" in my life.
Wow. I am hearing you. I am brand new to this site today and I am a grandmother. Not an old one either. 56. I lived through these situations with my daughter who is in Day 7 of recovery. It drove me crazy. The kids were allowed to stay up till all hours on vacation (I frequently go with them and their friends and love it)so that is how I observed it but I am sure it was that way every weekend at home. But there are lines to be drawn because children learn so much at an early age. I have been arguing with my daughter over that for at least 3 years. What she told me was that was easier to let them stay up. So I would gather them all and put them to bed and I started to be resented. I guess I was the "bummer". She is now in recovery (though new) but she understands. She is having to leave people behind and sometimes that is what is necessary. Keep that good head on your shoulders.
My two sisters are alcoholics and spent every holiday together until my younger sister got married. In the pictures of every holiday, wherever it was, they are absolutely totally sloshed I used to feel kind of envious of their relationship that they spent so much time together and went places. Now I know there was little if anything to envy. What kind of a holiday is a drunken one no matter where it is. I may have struggled for many years but I've been actively seeking recovery. Some people never seek it. I doubt any of my roommates will. They intend to stay absolutely sloshed until they expire. Who cares about anything else. The self centeredness of the disease is astonishing and the denial. Imagine thinking you were interesting and handsome when you can't even stand up?
Then I felt the fact he "partied" meant that he prefered other people's company to mine. Yeah slurred words, spilling stuff everywhere, lurching. leering and slurping are really attractive qualities. These people could hardly utter a syllable, they stumbled everywhere, they were incoherent, they passed out. Is that something I should have felt jealous of? I must have viewed myself pretty low on the totem pole....
Maresie,
I had not thought of these feelings in a long time. I never spent time around my XAH while he was partying with friends. A couple years after the divorce was final though I dated a man who drank too much for my comfort level and I saw some of these same things. I had not thought of it in relation to my XAH's friends. There was a difference though, my XAH and friends did treat me badly because I chose not to participate in the partying, the man I dated and friends respected that I did not imbibe to that extent if at all ... I guess that is some progress. I wonder how much of that is my self esteem and attitude and how much it is a different level of people I was with. The lifestyle is not one I want to be part of but I do think it was helpful in some ways to see that not everyone who drinks even if to excess will treat me the way they did. This is something that I will put more thought into.
I'm glad circumstances has made it so you will not have to view the carrying-on as closely as you did this last time. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you so much for sharing that. I, too, had not encountered the feelings your post evoked in a long time. When I first met my exAH, I thought he drank too much for my comfort level. Instead of seeing it as a red flag the first time I ever went over to his house, I stuffed my concerns and busied myself picking up all the beer bottles and making the house look perfect on the outside - as if that would take away the concern. The more time went by, the more I convinced myself that if only _____, he'd drink less and I'd be less bothered. For example, I convinced myself that if we got engaged, he'd drink less. And then after we got engaged, I convinced myself that if we got married, he'd drink less. It never occurred to me that in order to have peace, I would have to take action myself. Never once. I tried all the usual things - I yelled, I screamed, I cried, I tried being nice ... and as you all know, none of it worked. So when I finally had enough, I left, only to immediately start dating the same guy all over again - with a different name. This one ended up being even worse.
This happened twice more, actually, before I met my husband. He's in recovery and that's great - but he's an alcoholic and I stopped speculating about tomorrow.
I don't miss the partying my exAH did, nor any of the men I dated before my AH now. I don't miss the partying I did trying to fit in with the people I wanted so desperately to like me. I wasn't happy and I knew that, but I participated and/or watched silently for the longest time. I think that very honestly, I just did not know there was anything better out there. I hadn't ever been exposed to anything different, so I didn't know. I won't hold the fact that I didn't know differently against myself. It's not intuitive - I couldn't have known. I am happy with where I am now. The partying lifestyle is one I am looking back at now with gratitude - gratitude that I have nothing to do with it these days. :)
Powerful awareness. I agree, looking at the alcohol driven lifestyle now that I am not trying to survive it or be part of it certainly is a reminder of how I did not think I had choices and I seriously thought they were having" fun" and I just did not know how to do it.
I know how painful it is to continue to witness this behavior and I am glad that the cook out must be moved.
Please keep taking care of you. I thank GOd for alanon every day.
