The material presented
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I am brand new to this Forum and wanted to introduce myself. I am the mother of 4 grown children and 6 grandchildren. My daughter has been a functional alcoholic for years. She is on Day 7 of sobriety and the journey scares the living hell out of me although not as bad as the last few years with her worsening disease. I am hoping by joining I will not feel so alone in the struggle. That hearing some of your stories will lift me, encourage me and give me strength. I have been to an AA meeting (with her) and came away not only with hope but a whole new respect for this disease and the millions it touches. I am addicted to interesting and helpful blogs so if you feel you can relate to me and have a blog please give me the address. I have started my own and I look forward to any helpful suggestions or experiences that anyone would like to leave there.
Wow. 7 Days. You have done a lot of writing already, you are trying to take in a huge amount. Remember one day at a time, easy does it. Alcoholism is a lonely disease for the alcoholic, but it is for those who love them as well. Each of us must work our own recovery, and let our loved ones work theirs. As wonderful as things can be when we're all in step, it's not always not going to be that way.
My daughter has been sober 15 years. In her early sobriety, I tried to shield her from things that might make her drink. I pretty much failed in my shielding - she continued in a relationship with an active addict, moved across the country... she went places and did things that I didn't think she'd survive much less stay sober. Surprise, she survived AND stayed sober. And now, she has to be there for HER daughter, who is now 16, and has been institutionalized for nearly a year now. And still, she stays sober.
For her sake, I have no right to interfere in her life. For my own sake, serenity, and sanity, I live my life and let her live hers. I love her no less, perhaps even more because if she is a part of my life today, it's because she chooses to be, not because she is dependent on me. And it IS her choice, because she's not my flesh-and-blood daughter. There's no social requirement to keep in touch with your mom's ex-husband. That she does still amazes and flatters me. And I think it drives her mom nuts, to which I indulge in the occasional smirk.
Thank you. I am so humbled by everyone I talk to and right now I am so new to recovery. Writing is what keeps me focused. My youngest daughter (not my AA daughter) was institutionalized as well in her early teen years, diagnosed as bi-polar, so my heart knows the pain that a Mom feels when that happens. If it is any help to your daughter, we got through it, though at times I wonder how and I know for a fact that without that help and restraint (bad word but you know what I mean) she would not be alive today.
P.S. You made me laugh with that driving her mom nuts comment and laughing feels soooo good right now!
Hello! and WELCOME! I have found great hope here and encourage you to come to online meetings also. My daughter is also an alcoholic and is experiencing great consequences to her disease right now. It is so hard to watch especially since today she is sober. I KNOW I have to let these happen for her to grow in recovery but it is hard. I get the strength to do that thru my God and this program. Keep coming back we need you too. Criket
Aloha Mom and welcome...I am also one of those interested analytical people and even spent time in college learning about the disease of alcoholism and other addiction. The very very best I did for myself was getting into the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups and sitting quietly (when I could) and listening with a very open mind to those who came before me. They knew and they gave it all away to me free. It continues to save my life and I continue to be grateful.
The experience, love, strengh and hope here at MIP is like finding a gold mine that never runs out of gold. I keep getting richer and richer because of this giving, compassionate, loving family. Stick around. You have never been alone in this disease....you just had to find home. (((((hugs)))))
daughter (not my AA daughter) was institutionalized as well in her early teen years, diagnosed as bi-polar, so my heart knows the pain that a Mom feels when that happens. If it is any help to your daughter, we got through it, though at times I wonder how and I know for a fact that without that help and restraint (bad word but you know what I mean) she would not be alive today.
Oh, I know what you mean literally and figuratively. The thing that intrigues me the most is that DramaGoddess (my granddaughter) knows she needs it. She's bi-polar on top of being an extremely open empath. Being an open empath is a tremendous burden on a teenager, but she may be starting to think of it as a gift - but one she has to learn to regulate if she is to survive. She also taught me, by example, about my own empathy - and how I learned to switch it off and compartmentalize it at an early age. I've now re-lived many of those situations with a different perspective. I'm still compartmentalized, but I take time alone to process it all instead of keeping it on the shelf for years or decades.
My daughter's psych ward experience was much shorter than my granddaughter's, and long ago - I was still drinking at the time. I had all of the guilt that I was part of the decision to put here there, and that I as the "evil step parent" must have failed her somehow for her to end up there. But now I realize how much I was in tune with her fear back then, and that it had been MY fear as a teenager - there was a looming threat of being institutionalized. I'd lay in bed at night and dare think what it must be like for my little girl to be locked up, away from home... all the while enjoying the peace and quiet of knowing she wasn't going to run away and die tonight. It wasn't until more than a decade later, I allowed myself to cry. It's all just part of our story now - but with another one of us "on the inside", well - sometimes we just cry a little together. Because she's on her own - even if we CAN feel her fear.
MY NAME IS KATHLEEN & MY HUSBAND IS AN ALCOHOLIC! I DON'T THINK I EVER EXPERIENCED DAY 7 OF SOBRIETY. HE HAS BEEN SOBER & OUT THERE A LOT OF TIMES THESE LAST 30 SOMEODD YEARS. I HAVE BEEN WITH HIM FOR 11 OF THOSE 30+ YEARS!
ME I HAVE BEEN IN & OUT OF THIS PROGRAM FOR 24 YEARS! TALK ABOUT A STRUGGLE TO GET RECOVERY!
ANYHOW, THAT IS JUST A LITTLE SNIPPET OF WHERE I AM COMING FROM!
CONTINUE TO SEEK HELP! THIS IS A GREAT PLACE TO GET IT! AND, BY THE WAY, THE REASON WHY I NEVER SAW MY HUSBAND WITH 7 DAYS OF SOBRIETY IS BECAUSE WHEN HE HAD IT, HE WAS ALWAYS IN SOME KIND OF RECOVERY PLACE, HOSPITAL OR TREAT- MENT CENTER!
MUCH LOVE TO YOU & YOUR DAUGHTER! I PRAY THAT SHE CONTINUES HER SOBRIETY ONE DAY AT AT TIME!
AND, WE LOVE YOU ALREADY EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T KNOW US YET!
I have given some thought today to your words of wisdom and obviously you have read some of my blog. Yes, I agree I need to pull away. It has been a year of trials. Not only the drinking and prescipt meds. In this year, my daughter has gone through a divorce with 3 children, she has returned to full time work after being a stay at home mom for 9 years. She was diagnosed with malignant melanoma 2 months ago that resulted in a three inch scare on her cheek but hopefully saved her life and she struggles monetarily. She is also of the wall street generation that spent money like it was nothing. I have been involved in all of this and I think she depends on me for that support and I think it is warranted, especially now. She is having to leave her friends behind (they all lived the same lifestlye) and even a family member or two who is not on board. But, I am trying to put the alcohol struggle in a different box because what I have learned in the past 7 days is that it is her struggle and her success depends on her will, not mine. But, am I doing the right thing? Hopefully, being on the site will help with that. Thank you again and especially for making me laugh!!!
Be sure to come to our meetings that take place twice daily in our chatroom. The chatroom is open 24/7 too. Suggest you try face to face alanon meetings as well. It's nice to meet you, and I think it's just great that you are open to recovery for yourself. We find that we need to take care of ourselves just as much as the A needs to follow her own recovery program.
Welcome Mom, that feels funny typing that, I have the mom that every friend I have ever had called her mom but I never called anyone else mom before LOL
I wanted to add my welcome to MIP. My qualifier is my ex.husband. I have known the pain of loving an alcoholic as a spouse and do not mean to diminish that for myself or anyone else. But I do have this ache in my heart for parents of people with addictions, the balance between helping and hindering and caring for yourself with a child amazes me. I know there is ESH here from wonderful people that will give you hope. I'm glad you are here.
Good luck to you and thank you for the kind message. I hope you have found some comfort here as it appears so many have. It still is all so amazing to me the sheer volume of people that alcoholism reaches. That something as evil as this disease has brought so many compassionate people together is about as good as it can get, all things considered. "Mom"
Welcome to MIP.... I hope you'll find the folks here welcoming, loving, and full of great E,S,&H for you....I am a big proponent of the book "Getting Them Sober", written by Toby Rice Drews. Toby even wrote a book more specifically aimed at your situation, entitled "Getting Your Children Sober".... I would highly recommend it.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi, Mom@. I have 2 grown kids and 1 (18) still at home. I have 3 wonderful grandkids and I, too, am new to this website, although far from new to trying to keep my sanity while living with an alcoholic. The love, support, and strength I have received here are just indescribable. I have a large, loving family as well as a group of very close, long-time friends . The love and support of all of these people and the strength I draw from my HP are what have allowed me to remain sane (semi!!) and feel valued as a person thus far. But none of them live with an alcoholic, and I didn't realize until I began interacting on this site just how much I needed to connect with others who had walked that mile in my shoes. I hope you find some measure of peace of mind here, and also hope you keep coming back and will keep us up to date on your situation.
Just know that you aren't alone, and that there are others who care about you!
The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.
-- Edited by never going back on Tuesday 22nd of June 2010 06:51:36 AM
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
