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Just wanted to share a good experience, because since I've been on here, all I've related are the bad. Actually, since I've been on here, that's all I've HAD to relate! I just found out a week ago tha my AH of 30 years was drinking again after a year and a half of AA and sobriety (after a lifetime of being an alcoholic). I was devastated. Our life had been going so well, HOW could he do this to himself and to me again? Even though my head understands that this is a disease, it's not about me, I can't control it,etc, seems my heart and ego just take me over!
So, even though I knew better, I confronted him about it and he gave me all the usual rationalizations and put the blame everywhere but on himself. He went to a meeting (so he said, I really don't think so), the week drug on. I was miserable and let it be known. We talked again and he assured me he wasn't drinking (I shouldn't have asked, I KNEW that but did it anyway). The next day, I knew from his actions he had been drinking, looked for and found the evidence and confronted him again (Again, all the things I KNEW I shouldn't do, especially confronting him when he was drunk). We had a huge fight, I told him I wanted him out, he told ME to get out, he said a lot of things that hurt me badly and made me feel the fault was mine (again, my HEAD knew better, but....). I was up all night, ranting and raving to myself and to God. I prayed all night and it didn't seem to be any comfort at all. The only answer that kept coming to into my head was,"Whatever you do, do it with love." And I didn't WANT to do that. I wanted to scream and yell and throw things and make plans to take my son and my dogs and get as far from him as I could. I wanted to hurt him as badly as he'd hurt me. After all, I rationalized that this was all his fault and he didn't deserve any understanding. I was the one being hurt, I was the one who should be treated with love! I'd be damned if I would try to ease HIS pain, he didn't even have the right to feel pain. Poor, pitiful me!
Morning came and I was tired and mad and had a plan in place to be away from him for the week and to make furhter plans for a future without him and all of his crap. He got up and went outside. I followed him out, planning to let him know that I was leaving, that we were done. On the way out, I prayed that i could get that across to him 'with love'. And the most amazing thing happened when i opened my mouth. I said,"I love you. I'm sorry for the way I've acted and the hurtful things I've said. I hate that you are having to go through this again." He immediately broke down and just held me and sobbed. Said he couldn't believe what I was saying. said he had been so scared and just didn't know what to do. Said he didn't deserve another chance and just couldn't imagine why i would be willing to give him one. I just held him and told him that together we would make it.
The rest of the day was wonderful. And I just kept thinking about what kind of day it would have turned into had I done things MY way: he'd have been drunk by noon, I'd have been even maddder and more determined to leave him, my kids would have been caught in the middle. Instead, it was the best day I've had in months. I am not naive enough to think this will solve all my problems. I know this is a life-long struggle, for both of us. But, for today, life is good again. Because I listened to my Higher Power for once and did what I knew He wanted, instead of saying and doing the hurtful things that I wanted. And hopefully, this will help me to remember not only to turn it over to God in the future, but to DO what He tells me to, even when it isn't what I want.
I credit the help I received here for this because had I not been on here day and night for the past week,looking for help, I feel sure I would not have allowed God lead me through this. Keep up the wonderful work, MIP supporters. This morning I feel I am living proof that miracles DO happen!! To all of you who are hurting this morning, please keep coming back, keep listening to and acting on that still, small voice, KEEP THE FAITH.
Wishing you all a peaceful, blessed day.
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
What a beautiful uplifting story thank you!! We had a bad day yesterday and reading your story was a big help for me! My A has never quit drinking, but was not the falling down drunk he had been for many years until the past couple of weekends. He didn't make it home last Sat. night and that night something very frightening happened here and it was just me and the kids so most of the week I was angry and fuming with other emotions. This past Sat. night we had a wonderful night watching some shows together and having some bonding time as I like to call it ;) Then Sunday he was drinking and showing old behaviors (which he doese sober now too) you know the drill telling me what I should be doing or shouldn't be doing and how unhappy I am with everything, we fought then I just stopped speaking to him all together when I realized he was drunk (was watching tv with only one eye open) and again I felt angry all over. Your story has shed some light for me for today thank you for sharing. I hope your day is great!
Holly
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
Thanks for sharing, it's really good to read about people who are able to stay in their relationships and find happiness. At times, I have found myself starting to think that these stories were myths! You are a true demonstration of strength and resiliency.
Was happy to read that you connected with your HP and you were both able to communicate your true feelings, instead of coming from the ego and the pain. That is progress.
One thing you must remember is that the A is clever at manipulation and is always looking out for his best interest.
The thing about recovery for both of you is just that, you both have your separate recovery. Maybe Im not understanding when you said "together we can make it", I know that your working to stay together and that is great, but your program is separate from his. Don't think that you have the power to control if he drinks or not by the things you say to him. Sometimes we have to say what we have to say, as long as we mean what we say and we dont say it mean, you can tell him anything, its not going affect his drinking decisions. He will always want to drink.
Separations are not bad, sometimes there needed, doesnt mean there forever. Its ok to bring about solutions for the moment. Living life one day at a time is always best. Wishing you courage, strength and wisdom . Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 21st of June 2010 01:39:32 PM
I AM ONE OF THOSE THAT IS HAVING A BAD MORNING! BUT I HAD A FAR WORSE WEEKEND. BUT TODAY, WITH RECOVERY ON MY SIDE, IT IS ALREADY GETTING BETTER! IT REALLY HELPS TO GET ON MIP & KEEP IN TOUCH WITH MY HP. I WAS SEPARATED FROM MY AH FOR 2 YEARS & NOW WE ARE BACK TOGETHER. IT TOOK A LOT OF WORK & SOBRIETY FOR US TO GET BACK TOGETHER. HANG IN THERE! GOD IS TAKING CARE OF YOU.
I'm glad , by reading this, a few of you were touched and maybe given hope. And thank you, Bettina, for your cautions. I feel that I AM aware of the things you cautioned against (and I realize that there are different kinds of 'awareness'.). I am under no illusions that my words can have any effect, good or bad, on his drinking. And believe me, after 37 years with this man, I am WELL aware of his capacity for manipulation, lying, and deception when it comes to anything to do with his drinking. I know that his recovery and mine are two very separate things. When I said "We can make it together", I meant that I felt that, with one another's love and support, we could get through whatever comes at us. We have to respect the others needs and problems, and allow the other to do whatever they need to become stronger, happier people. The Bible (and Peter, Paul, and Mary!) says,"A woman draws her life from man, and gives it back again". I think God intended us to go through life with a helpmate, and is gladdened when we are able to do so. I also realize that's not always possible. And that there may come a time in my life when my AH and i need to live seerate lives. I trust God to let me know if and when that time comes, and to help me through it. I know that just because I had a good day, it sure doesn't mean all my days from here on will be good. I am prepared (or working at being prepared) for the fact that he may be drinking again tomorrow and that all I can do is take care of ME. I will continue to try to build up my own strength and to try to be able to find peace of mind within myself, with or without my AH. I feel that what I related above was really just a testimony to the power of my God, a power I don't think I ever realized the full extent of until that moment when I truly allowed Him to take over. I thought I had done that many times in the past, but this time was different. He took over completely, until those words came out of my mouth, i had no idea I was going to say them: they certainly weren't what i was intending to say! God caused me to act in a way that was totally opposite my usual self, and seeing the immediate positive ( for both my AH and myself) results made me realize that "Let go and let God" isn't just a saying, it truly works if you can really accomplish it. It also made me realize that if I give it up to Him, I may not get the results I want, but whatever the results are, they will be what is best for ME in the long run. Because He loves me, and that is a feeling that gives me peace beyond any I have ever known. Again, thanks to all for your continued interest and support.
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time"
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Wow! How awesome! I find that when I surrender to HP/God things turn out very differently for me too. All the years when I was acting on, what I thought I wanted - most of it wasnt very good or healthy for me. When I focus on my needs and get away from my ego and surrender and align myself with HP, life is so much smoother and easier in every way.
Our tiny miracles are great victories and keep relishing and appreciating the process and the growth. More is yet to come! Keep focusing on you and your HP and allow ur AH the space and dignity to make his own choices, keep detaching with love and working it for you. So glad u are on this journey with us, kcb.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
