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Hi all, I'm Chauri. I haven't been posting message in a long time. Today, I'm in a fix. It's probably my fault. I need to make amends and don't know how. Well to make the story ahort, my A hasn't been drinking in a while. But instead of alcohol, he is into pain meds. which is the same thing ,as far as I'm concerned.
Today I did something bad. I had some wine.... duh not in front of him but I had it anyway. Now , just like he used to... I told him he is sick and everybody knows he's sick. that was my mistake. May be I'd never have said that if I didn't have that stupid wine. Anyway , now he's mad at me and won't talk to me and went to the other room.
Yes ,the program has helped me to understand I'm not responsible for other people's feelings, and feelings aren't facts. Still I'm feeling responsible. I know people in this programme understand me. I needed to make some kind of amends about this. I don't even know why I said what I said. I keep thinking It would not have happened if I was not under the influence. I'm not an alcoholic, once in a while when I'm away from him, I did have that drink. Now I'm sorry I did. I need help.
I honestly don't see anything wrong with what you said. If he is an alcoholic or addicted to opiates, he IS sick. You spoke the truth, there is nothing wrong with that. The fact that he is mad at you and went into the other room tells me that you probably only told him what he already knows and he doesn't know, right at this moment, what to do about it.
Having said that the key to whether you owe any amends or not lies in the tone of voice and how you said it. I try very hard to remember....
Say what you mean Mean what you say but Don't say it mean
It's kept me out of a lot of uncomfortable situations.
The help you are looking for can be found right here and at face to face meetings. I highly recommend going to ftf meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps. Then keep coming and going back, you will be glad you did.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Thank you for your sharing Mobirdie, I'm not sure what tone I said it. It probably was sacastic, or to justity myself for HIS accusations.... something like that. That's why I'm feeling bad. I'm back to my old habits , seems like. Accusing him of saying things about me tha's not true, so I said "you would say that 'cause you are sick, and (her's the thing that came out of my mouth) everybody knows it".. immediately I was in that quilt mode. Why did I say that? It's true... still I didn't want to hurt him. I've kept it inside me for a long time. and it came out...May be the wrong time.. but it's done. Now as usual I have to wait till whatever time it is to make amends. When ever he gets mad at me he usually doesn't talk to me for a few days. Doesn't eat what I cook, etc.. Been ther, done that. I'm getting so tired of ME walking on eggs, while he can say any damn thing he wants to me and doesn't think twice about it.
I guess that's what I'm pissed off about. Right now I don't know. I guess this too shall pass.
It's not too late to start over if what you need is a do-over! :)
I don't know if you really need to make amends. Do you have a sponsor that you can talk it over with? Sometimes I thinK i need to make amends when I really didn't do anything wrong, I'm just overly apologetic for my actions with no need to be.
Perhaps your tone was harsh, perhaps just the truth. IMO, if he chooses not to talk or eat your cooking, no big deal. Talk to someone else. We aren't there to throw their disease in their face, but we sure don't have to bow to childish behavior either.
If you feel you need to, you can apologize for the tone you used, but the words were truth. IMO, calling a spade, a spade isn't something you should have to be sorry for. Walking on egg shells is something we try to avoid. If it were me, I would ignore his upcoming behavior. If he won't eat the food you cook, don't cook! Treat yourself to your favorite restaurant with a friend and say "see ya!!!" Have fun for the next few days and smile a lot! (It totally confuses them...lol). Alanon isn't about the addict. It's about learning to live happily. Go for it!!
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Alcohol can and will allow a person do to things they would not normally do when not drinking...Alcoholism 101, about 1979-80 when I first arrived at the doorstep of the program. I related. Apologies are apologies and amends are change. Apologies can be amends making if they are not normally what you do after hurting someone. If someone hurts you how would you want them to take care? What would you tell a sponsee? If its sarcasm the amends would contain courtesy and kindness and it would include lots of practice...Talk walking as I was told. If I'm looking at the picture of what happened and feeling guilt it is usually about something I did and if I have a question about it I apologize anyway...humility is a working part of recovery and good practice for turning ego (easing god out) around to oge (offering god entry). If you're not willing its all damned near impossible to do. If you are willing and believe in being fair, honest and just the apology is no big deal and fear of anything isn't even in the equation.
The wine? that was part of the lubricant that helped him to hurt you in the past. Powerful stuff.
To thine own self be true...(((((Chauri)))))
PS...I am not responsible for another persons feelings is not a license to kill the emotional system. My alcoholic wife really did stuff that hurt my feelings...of course I retaliated and both would be successful. We were responsible for it.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 21st of June 2010 04:51:48 AM
thank you all for your sharing. It helped me a lot. today I just did all the things I usually do.now it's getting to be that dreaded dinner time. He's still not talking to me, except basic things, like, did you pick up the mail etc...
I am not going to cook or ask him to either. I'm feeling soo exhausted ,physycally and mentally. I've been taking care of so many things, I feel like I'm burned out. I need a vaccation, away from him.. So day after tomorrow I'm going out of town to visit a friend, in the city. I can't wait.
