The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm not sure why I am writing here. I know you cannot tell me what to do.
My 43year old alcoholic sister has completed ruined her life. I thought, through al-anon I was making big steps in allowing her from ruining mine any further.
But at the moment I feel worse by not going to her than I did when I was continually helping (and enabling) her.
She has now drunk continually and eaten nothing for 14 days following a detox just three weeks ago.
She is totally alone, two hours drive away. She has no friends or neighbours who will go and help her anymore.
She is now only functioning for a couple of hours each morning. The rest of the day is spent drifting in and out of "confusion".
This morning she got herself to an emergency doctor but started drinking as soon as she left. They had given her a prescription for something to get her through to tomorrow when she has an appointment with a community alcohol programme. A taxi got her home but she is incapable of getting the prescription filled.
This is the first time she has sought help for herself from someone other than me but she is not physically capable of seeing it through. I feel like I have abandoned her rather than detached from her problems and that hurts.
Am I just not having the courage to change something I can change - ie making sure she gets to her appointment tomorrow? I think if I do go I am just showing her how far she can go before I go back on my word and help her.
The more I read, the more I think, the more confused I get.
You can not make her get help. You can howeve stick to your word. Seems to me that it might have hit home for her...bottom so to speak
Dear friend, please remember if an alocholic or addict wants alcohol or drugs they will get them no matter what.
So it goes the same for help. If she truely wants help she will find a way to get it. She is finding a way to get the alcohol...she can find a way to get help. A lot of places will even come and pick u up.
She is to you as alcohol is to her your addiction. You have found a place where you can fix you. Because weather you realize it or not you are sick as well.
This is a family disease...it gets ahold of all of us. You have to fix you and she has to fix her.....this of course is my opinion.
Try and find a local face to fact meeting in your area it will help you more than you can imagine.
I am so sorry that your family is experiencing this painful situation. This disease is so very destructive and we often struggle with the next right action. It does sound as if your sister is attempting to get help and that is a great sign.
I would pray about it and know that if things get bad 911 can be called and the crisis unit will be there quickly. I have done that in the past.
Dear Daisy, I too have experienced these same thoughts with my addicted 25 year old son. He just sent me a message that he is "on track" but needs a couple to get him thru. I told him I have nothing for u. I love u but I am through with all of this! He wrote back you are a liar! So I'm feeling guilty and sad but know after so many meetings and the words spoken here, I cannot enable him anymore no matter what!! I have learned that even comfort is enabling. Please stay strong!! The other poster wrote if things seem reay terrible I guess u could call 911 with your sisters address but that is all u can do for her! It's a horrible tough road we ate on and I'm grateful for the support of these roo s. Please post again as I will b checking back frequently! You are doing a good job and I know I m too we just have to keep it up and not let them convince us otherwise!
Welcome to MIP! You will find those who have been down that path and can offer experience, strength, and hope. Sometimes they have to hit their bottom to find help for themselves. We can only do so much before we sacrifice ourselves. Keep coming back. There has to be some options such as government programs that can help. Take care of yourself first.
"This is the first time she has sought help for herself from someone other than me but she is not physically capable of seeing it through. I feel like I have abandoned her rather than detached from her problems and that hurts."
That in itself is a sign of hope and change...Pray to preserve it. Pray also to your HP and tell your HP your feelings and turn it over...all of it.
It's okay to call your sister and tell her that you love her. It's okay to ask her if she needs your help getting to her appointment. (That is not enabling...that is helping. Taking over without asking is enabling.) If she does need help getting to the appointment see if it is you or someone else who is available. If you are the one to help her...plan how you will that is just about helping and not staying around to rearrage her life, lecture her, tell her what you know about getting sober (nothing) and the like. Love her and leave her to her Higher Power and let the miracle evolve if it is going to evolve. Asking is different than exercising power and control and a key is in the letting go.
Doesn't sound to me like you've ever really turned your back on her at all.... I see this as situation where she has her addiction, and you could have allowed her to ruin both of your lives with this, but you chose not to allow her to ruin yours.... That is practicing self-care, and is not at all selfish.... I agree with Jerry, and would also encourage you to do what feels right in your heart....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Yes, people get confused over what is enabling and what isnt.
When the XAh was in distress last week and needed to get to the ER, he called me and didnt think he needed to go, he was really disoriented, I called 911 for him and gave them his address, as he was too weak to really talk much and he was too confused to give info. Too weak to unlock his door they had to break it down and they got him to the Er in time. It was a good thing that I took him seriously, he didnt know what peril he was in.
One of my friends accused me of rescuing him, I couldnt believe it!! He was calling for help, What if it didnt turn out well, what if I said NO, he was asking for help in this instance. We are not devoid of compassion, it doesnt cost us anything extra .
I agree with Jerry, Tom and Christy, Alanon is not about abandonment. I dont know what I would do if it were my brother that was the addict, but I think I would call and ask , do you need me to help drive you to your appointment. All my best to you, luv, Bettina
Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me. I can't tell you how appreciated your words, kindness, thoughts and wisdom are appreciated. Just when you think you are totally alone, complete strangers, most of which are on the other side of the world reach and touch you.
Im sorry I havent been able to come on-line and thank you before now. Needless to say I drove up to London on Sunday evening so that I could take my sister to her appointment. I stayed overnight only because it was more convenient for me and NOT because she wanted me to stay and look after her. I have not meddled, cleaned up, paid bills or tried to make her eat. That is NOT what I am here for.
It is going to be a slow process but the agency she saw are going to apply for funding for her to go to rehab.
She wants me to get her detox NOW (!!) but I think my boundaries I clear. I will help her to achieve going to rehab if I see that she is committed to getting long-term help. I am not enjoying watching the hell she is suffering and I know I have to continue to protect my feelings by not exposing myself to the horror I see her going through.
I will NOT be manipulated or frightened into providing an immediate detox solution.
I am NOT a detox nurse. I have paid for detox medication four times and nursed her through it but because she does not follow it through with AA and GP support (and I am an easy option) it does not help her maintain.
I am NOT paying for her to go to rehab again. I spent something like $50,000 last year and I am not doing it again.
My home is NOT a rehab centre.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me to stay strong and keeping me sane on Sunday.
