Al-ANON vs NA ? - Al-Anon Family Group

Simba · Veteran Member

Al-ANON vs NA ?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Simba...actually there is a bit of a difference but only in the mind. If you can
keep an open mind Al-Anon can and will help.   My spouse was an alcoholic and an
addict (prescriptionless). It's all mind, mood altering chemicals. How it has and is
affecting you (you need help) is all that is required for membership in Al-Anon. There
is a program called NarAnon for the friends, family, associates of drug addicted people
and there might be a board here for that. Go to the main MIP page and take a look
however you have found the door for help and here we are.  Don't let anything interfere
with you participation in getting help even if what you mostly read is alcoholic,
alcoholism, alcoholic/addict or? You're in the right place and the family here can
help.
Go ahead and ask.   Glad you checked in...In support (((hugs))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

HI SIMBA AND WELCOME TO MIP AND ALANON

ALANON TRADITIONS STATE THE ONLY REQUIREMENT FOR MEMBERSHIP IS THAT THRE IS A PROBLEM OF ALCOHOLISM IN A RELATIVE OR FRIEND i KNOW YOU CAN FIND HELP HERE DEALING WITH A DRUG ADDICTION AS WELL.

FIRST OFF WE SUGGEST THAT YOU REALIZE : YO DID NOT CAUSE THE ADDICTION, CANNOT CONTROL IT AND CANNOT CURE IT.

YOU CAN AND MUST FIND HELP FOR YOURSELF.

NEW TOOLS LEARNED HERE AND AT FACE TO FACE MEETINGS WILL OFFER YOU A NEW LEASE ON LIFE
MEETINGS CAN BE FOUND BY GOING TO:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

And placing your cursor over about us in the upper left of the screen, 3 more pull downs open. One of these is information for the newcomer, and the second is Al-Anon for you; both have good information.

Another good place on the Internet to find out about Al-Anon on the Internet is at Online Al-Anon Outreach at:

http://www.ola-is.org/

WE ALSO HAVE 2 ON LINE MEEITNGS HERE DAILY AND 24/7 HOUR CHAT

WELCOME YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND THERE IS HELP

Simba · Veteran Member

Thanks Jerry,

I am sorry this is long but it is a little therapy for me. (Pain shared is pain divided) Teach you to ask whats on my mind.. wink

Summery: My wife has battled prescription addiction for 13 years after a back injury. We have lost your jobs, money and home. I desperately need help (I think) but I am in a part of the world where AL-ANON is low on the priority list. Help me I feel like she is taking me with her

Where to start I guess with a little history. I married an extremely bright and highly motivated woman 28 years ago. She has given me everything, a beautiful family, emotional support and a deep faith in god. We have been through good and bad times together. We have always been able to work together to get through the tuff times and I know if I was the addict she would be there for me. (Am I laying the foundation of being a good enabler?)

Thirteen years ago she suffered a back injury that required surgery. Some of her symptoms seemed to be relieved by the surgery however the pain persisted. With the help of a family physician she began a regiment of pain killers that took over her life and stole her away from me and has cost us nearly everything we had. Within two years we were sitting in a pain management office and the doctor wanted to start her on a methadone maintenance program. I knew then there was a severe problem.

We rolled up our sleeves after this consultation and decided that together we could work through this and declined the methadone. I quickly learned that the problem was bigger than what I could handle. She was stashing pills, trips to the ER for pain relief, wrecked cars, finding her passed out around the house and the loss of her 20 year job brought an intervention where she was forced into rehab.

In 30 days I had my, now bitter, angry but sober, wife back. She grudgingly admitted that she was a pill addict and refused to attend NA and AA meetings because, They do not apply to me. She also tells me that she would rather die than return to rehab and constantly reminds me that she would kill herself if I left her. (No guilt there for me?) Do I believe her Yes. I do understand that if she followed through on this statement it is on her not me. She further refuses to work the 12 steps. Within months she is back on the pain meds (oxies and benzos), all prescribed by doctors.

After rehab I have tried to base my decisions on whats best for the family (we still have two boys at home) and not her threats of suicide (guilt). I left my job, sold the dream home that we built and moved to a quiet community near my family (my support system). Here she landed a dream job and lost it as she began to increase the medications again. There was a second back surgery and the loss of a second job. She is no longer capable of working even a menial job at this time as her health seems to be decreasing inversely with the amount of time she has been using pills.

She is now a shadow of her former self. Her self-confidence is shot (I am not abusive verbally or physically). Physically she is shot, we use to hike, sail and swim; now it is a major event to walk around the block. She now has a litany of health problems, both mental and physical. I have literally watched the drugs consume her (this tears my heart out). Most of the doctors we have seen recommend putting her on a regiment of pain killers and her philosophy is if one pill is good four is better.

Between increasing medical bills (psychiatrist, ER visits, dental, family doctor, specialists, and the detox doctor for suboxone subscriptions) and an inability to live within now meager means I have been forced to take a better paying job 13,000 miles away. Working conditions would not allow the family to move here.

Being separated has been good and bad. Bad because I had to leave an adult (young) son in charge of the house hold and her medication control. He has done an admirable job but I fear that it was wrong to place this responsibility on him. Being separated was good because being away from her has opened my eyes to my enabling behaviors and her self destructiveness.

The hardest and most frustrating part of this whole process has been that my wife verbalizes her desire to do what it takes to get better but continues to abuse pills because of real pain. She is currently weaning off the suboxone but is taking psych and sleeping meds to compensate.

In the next six months I hope to have a new job that would allow me to bring my wife and remaining son overseas with me. I am considering leaving my wife in a belated attempt to provide a stable environment for my 16 year old son. I pray that in time these two boys can forgive me for failing them this last year.

She is not abusive in any way but seems set on self destruction. I believe 90% of her pain is caused by the addiction and the remaining 10% could be handled with a good mind set and over the counter meds, but Im not in her body and do not know for sure.

Talk about denial, it only took thirteen years for me to admit that I am probably a big part of the problem and need help. I am checking into AL-ANON meetings here but I fear even if they have them I will not be able to overcome the language barrier. I am hoping that if someone reading this has had a similar situation maybe they could offer me some suggestions. I feel like I have not only lost my wife to this illness but am loosing control of my life.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

First step in Alanon or any 12 step program "We admitted we are powerless over the addiction and our lives had become unmanageable." You didnt cause it, you cant cure it and you cant control it. Its not our jobs.

Since your unable to attened an Alanon or Narcanon meeting, our board is the right place for you Simba. You will learn to detach emotionally and connect with your HP and be able to make the decisions that are best for your life.

Yes and your right, your son is not responsible for keeping an eye on how many pills she takes, she has to want to stop. Until she finally reaches out for help, it will be a continuous cycle of misery. Im glad you reached out for help.

Try and get your hands on as much reading material as you can. Keep coming back because the program works. Wishing you courgage strength and hope. Luv, Bettina

Simba · Veteran Member

Hotrod, Thank you.

My problem getting the F2F is I am in an unstable country. I have been to AL-ANON a while back when My wife first went to rehab. Believe it or not I come from a family that did not have any addiction issues. So I am pretty ok with placing blame on the illness and not the person. I guess my issue is that I am loosing the love of my life and partner and can do nothing to stop it. I have been married for 28 years and am having a hard time letting go.

-- Edited by Simba on Saturday 19th of June 2010 10:34:29 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Simba)))) permit me please to tell you how usual your story and condition is for
the Al-Anon Program and the MIP Board. I hope you scroll backward and read earlier
post from both the female and male members who have come here with very similar
stories including how you have responded to the problem.

Your wife is missing and it is your addict that is present. I understand the difference
and needed to be taught what I just mentioned. I was married to a very good woman,
a loving mother and hard successful work ...and and alcoholic addict. Eventually I had
to leave in order to save my own life and everything I then learned how to do was
about surviving because the disease was killing us and the children.

It was sick...beyond belief and that is what addiction is...beyond belief and normal
rules do not apply even after we attempt some pretty creative insane solutions.

But I had to start somewhere just as you have now and I had to trust what and
where I started because I was totally without a clue and my spirit. I started within
the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups because my Higher Power who I know to
be the God of my ancient understanding directed me there and I was too tired to
resist though I did for a while until I gave up completely...surrendered.

I can only tell you what was suggested to me from the very first hotline call I made
and which worked for me because I just was to tired to do anything else.

I called the hotline for the Al-Anon Family Groups after failed attempts to reach
Help in Emotional Trouble and the Suicide Prevention Program (seemed to be a
solution to some including me) and when no one was available at either of those
I got a hold of a real live talking person who told me among other things; to get
to the first meeting I could get to and where and when and when there to get as
much literature as I could and read it all and to stick and listen to her when I got
afraid and wanted to hang up on her, "cause your life depends on it." I did as
she told me. When I was at the meeting they suggested I go to as many meetings
as I could in the next 90 days which became "90/90" and I ended up doing 102.
I was told to sit down, listen, learn and practice, practice, practice what I heard
and saw others were doing that was helping them change their lives for the better.
I read and memorized the steps and slogans and learned the traditions (3 months
is more than enough time cause the only other thing I had to do was die.)

There might be some differences tween us but it is the similarities which are
important...two men, married to addicted women, with children and other
responsibilities who have been loosing their happinesses and life also and who
need help.

I could only tell you what worked for me. I can only tell you that saving my own
life and sanity became the sole focus of my recovery (same focus as your addict
will have to learn and practice). I did as much and sometimes more (enablers
are also over achievers...but really OVER ACHIEVERS) than I was asked but I did
it and I am grateful for ever bit and second of it because I was looking for life
end at 37 and I'm much farther than that as I tell you this part of my journey.

You can also turn it around for Simba and you gotta get into the meetings. Go
to the main page of MIP or AFGWSO.org and click on meeting locations. Check
to see which are english speaking only if that is available and call for times
and places where you can get help. Or check on the online meetings (2 a day)
here at MIP including the use of this board. I've never been here when there
wasn't someone helping...I come here to give back that which saved my life and
for that reason only. Keep coming back here...read COSMOS's posts and RLC
and Tom our Canadian Guy and Barisax...you are not alone and never have to
go through this alone again.

In support (((((hugs))))) smile

Simba · Veteran Member

Jerry,

Thank you again! I guess I just need to know there is light at the end of the tunnel and that I am making the right decisions. I can not tell you how heartening it is to know I am not alone. (I have been feeling very isolated.) I have been holding all this for way to long, thank you for listening. biggrin

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((Simba)))))))))))),

Welcome you are in the right place, I can't top Jerry he gave you some wonderful words of wisdom. I can tell you that you are not alone...I can assure you thru the work of al anon u can get better.

I was married to my husband for 23 yrs. He was an alcoholic, addict. He also had a back surgery and it went from bad to worse. Finally after 19 yrs of marriage I had enough and he had to leave the drugs and alcohol stole him from me and my children and we could no longer live with the addict.

My husband was a hard worker and one of the kindest men you would have ever wanted to meet. The addict was a selfish person who put drugs and alcohol above all.

First it took his spirit, then it took his soul and then in the end it took his very life.

Please keep coming if you work this program you will gain so much insight into how you got here and where you can go from here.

It does get easier, it does become managable and you can learn to live life again.

With Hope,
Andrea

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

We have alot of members in our groups who are dealing with drug addiction ,since we talk about ourselves in our meetings and not the alcoholic or addict you will be welcomed .. the feelings of frustration and fear are the same no matter what the problem , look for the similarities not the differences and you will find yor in the right place // u can purchase literature on line , it is translated into several diff languages , pages and passages are the same , u could read along with people at the meetings
, I went to a meeting in Mexico a few yrs back , didnt understand a word but had my own book so could follow along ,the hugs were the same the genuine smiles were the same . they were truly glad i had come .. you will find the same . as already has been suggested we do have meetings here on this site twice a day
9am and pm eastern time . hope to see u there .

Simba · Veteran Member

Thank you all so much. It has taken 13 years to take this first step. I can not tell what a reliefe it is to know that I am not the first one to make this journy. You can bet I will be around for a while.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, Simba, I'm so glad you found us. Addicts tend to move around between addictions. Some just stay with one, but others trade them off -- my ex at various times was addicted to alcohol, tranquilizers, gambling, shopping... So whatever your addict uses, there will be people here with that experience. And our own reactions -- the way we start to lose our sanity too -- doesn't depend on what the addict is using. There's so much wisdom and experience here. I hope you can get to the online meetings too.

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

Simba, you are so welcome here. I have found this site invaluable over the last four years. I am a double winner meaning I belong to AA and Al anon. I first came to al anon and then realised that I had a problem with alcohol myself. I know you love your wife and this addiction is very difficult. You need to take care of you and of your 16 year old son though, it is not being selfish but learning self-care.

Simba · Veteran Member

Thank you Maire, Mattie and everyone who has replied!!

Your encouragement, support and advice have been taken to heart and have done more for me than you know (or maybe you do). If you and the people I met today at the on-line meeting are representative of the on-line family here than I believe I have found the support and family I so desperately need. Though there is no substitute for F2F contact this is will have to do for now. Thank you so much!!!

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Simba

Have seen and talked with you in the meeting room but didn't know your whole story till i read your post today.
My son is a addict he's 21 and in jail on thier rehab unit right now, will be there till at least Nov has been there since last november. Talk about guilt? Man i sure know where yu are coming from. He too has used the "suicide" threat many times and intially of course that was the biggest button he could push for me as no parent can hear that from a child and not want to jump in and help.
Then i realized he was killing himself everyday while we watched him decline into darkeness. And the last time he threatened suicide i told him exactly that, that he was slowly killing himself everyday and I couldn't watch it anymore.
Separation has been good for me. I know he is safe and sober and god willing something in rehab is sinking in. But while he was home creating chaos i really tried to work the program but kept being drawn back into his world.
I became physically and mentally ill. I literally had nothing else to give anyone.
So take this time away to take care of you and you will be able to make more rational decisions not snap decisions or threats we come up with while in the midst of this disease and are unable to carry out.
I am sorry you can't have your kids with you obviously that would be an ideal situation but our lives are far from ideal and we can only do our best with what we have.
Glad you found us......keep coming back
Blessings

Simba · Veteran Member

Xeno,

Thank you for sharing that with me. I know the chaos and am no stranger to the pain, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for your service at the meeting today, you are truly an inspiration. I really enjoyed it. I feel like I have found a home here and hope to learn and grow (and heal). I can not tell you how relieved I am to know that I am not alone.

mtnest57 · Newbie

Nar-Anon Family Groups is for loved ones of addicts. Alcohol is a drug, however, my 0 years experience in Al-Anon did not prepare me for the violence and unique situations when my daughter became a meth addict. Only when I began attending Nar-Anon did I hear my story and I was able to truly identify and feel safe to share my story. I still attend both meetings. I am only a member of Al-Anon when in the Al-Anon rooms. I love programs that save lives.

Grateful to be alive

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.