The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been reduced to a ball of tears within the last few hours and can't seem to stop crying. The hurt of abandonment is so great and powerful it's so overcoming.
My A went off to treatment about an hour away and after about 30 days we discussed it would be more beneficial if we moved to that area and to get away from the triggers from our home town. Started looking for a place for us and the rest of our four legged family and we would discuss everything and share everything with our plans.
Then I noticed the attitude was starting to revert back to its old self and even called him out on it. He claimed it was jus stress with all the changes and was sorry. So here it is 3 months later and release date is 4 days away and he tells me last week he needed to this on his own. That he was going to get an apartment on his own and I needed to get a place in our hometown until he could get his sober life straigtend out on his own.
Claims I stress him out and our relationship was hindering his recovery. I don't understand that, I have always been there for him and have given so much of me so he could go to treatment and not worry about his house or pets. I stood by him and he let me believe up to the last minute we were in this together. I feel so alone and abandoned and taken advantage of.....
I feel there is someone else involved from how the past was with him, but he states he is working on his sobriety and needs this for him otherwise he will not have anything else. Obviously the trust is not there so it's very hard to believe he's being honest with me since he has been dishonest in the past. Plus he didn't tell me he thought he should be alone for a few months until the last minute. Then on Thursday he told me he had a line on a place that would accept him (crimial record) and the pets, when I checked it out online it was super expensive (he don't have a job yet) and only allowed a max of 2 pets. We have 3 pets, 2 of his and 1 of mine, so I told him they only allowed a max of 2 and told him I found a few places and he's like ok give me the numbers I will check them out.
Then on Friday he tells me he was accepted into this place...........He never told me he applied just that he had a lead.......he was dishonest once again and he blamed it on me catching him off guard with the whole pet thing. I feel he has not taken me into consideration with any decisions that would effect me as well, I feel so hurt by this as if I don't matter and am not important.
I have so low self regards for myself cause of how I am treated in my relationship, I love him so much and don't want to be without him in my life. I don't what to do and honestly am so hurt and filled with pain I don't see an end to my hurting. I don't know how to resolve the sadness the fills me completely.
I'm sorry if this is long but I needed to get it out and i'm sure my friends are sick of listening to me, they all pretty much feel I should leave and ask me is it really worth all this pain? I can't answer that.........
Why can't I be with someone who loves me and treats me with respect? Why can't it be with the one I love so dearly? I'm so lost and confused and I don't know where to turn, I go to f2f mtgs and I can't talk cause I just end up bailing my eyes out, even when just listening to others talk I end up crying. The pain is just sooo deep................
If you made it to the end of this, thanks for listening/reading. God please help me be strong and give me direction on how to heal and stop the pain.
Hello and welcome , your story is not new this happens alot when the alcoholic is sober , he is stark raving sober right now and dosent have a clue what he wants .. to blame you and say that u are a risk to his sobriety is BS .. he is still not taking responsiblity for his own stuff , your no more responsible for keeping him sober than u were responsible for his drinking . Our self esteem is the first things that go in an alcoholic relationship we take on the shame and guilt of thier disease , please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself u need support , u will meet people like yourself who understnd exactly how your feeling and will help u get thru this . This is truly a selfish disease the alcoholic rarley thinks of anything but his own needs , he is also full of shame and guilt at the moment so often feel it is easier to move on than go back and clean up the mess they helped create. Get the focus back on yourself , take care of you .. When u learn to love and respect yourself again u will find someone who will treat you the way u deserve to be treated , we have choices get your own program and find the person u were meant to be ....... and do it with dignity and grace like the lady you are . I was told the alcoholic dosent have a hope in hell of staying sober comming home to an old idea - I was the old idea !!! we have to change too not just the alcoholic , like it or not we have a part in the mess we created. take are of you and its not over til its over ... there is always hope especially for us . Louise
Im so sorry that you are feeling all the confusion and nonsense that an Alcoholic brings into our life.
Are you attending Alanon meetings? Do you have a sponsor?? A sponsor is so helpful in these situations.
There could be lots of things going on with the A, but its hard for them to tell the truth and he probably doesnt even know himself.
30 days is a good long time to get sober, but my XAH always drank on the way home from rehab, he went to 5 rehabs. Nothing helps an A , until they are ready to stop.
The XAH, would always tell me he wanted a divorce before he would go out on a 3 day binge and he would always somehow drag himself home. Sometimes to my dismay. We will never know why the A's say and do what they do. But I do know this, their motive and compulsion is to always want to drink and they will clear away anybody who gets in their way.
I know one thing for sure, after being with the A for 26 years, in about the 15th year of our marriage ,alanon under my belt and a connection to my HP, I would never let the Alcoholic drag me around or jump to their whims. I got strong with myself.
Its not about the A not respecting us, they are sick people dealing with a disease. We have to respect ourself and decide what we want for our life and what boundaries we will live with and what we wont accept. Living and loving an A, I always say is like trying to hold on to sand. RJ , work the program. Alanon is your lifeline, the answers are not with the A. Its within you to live strong. Luv, Bettina
I'm so sorry you're hurting - it's a painful situation. He may truly need to focus on his recovery without having to worry about meeting your needs, or he may be making excuses. You can drive yourself nuts trying to figure out what his motivations are, or you can accept that you may never know.
You can't control him, you can't control what he says or what he does or how he feels, but you are in charge of your life. You can be with someone who treats you with love and respect, whether it's him or someone else. If you treat yourself with love and respect then anyone you're with is likely to do the same.
Bettina said one of my favorite words: Boundaries. You have to set them before you can expect anyone to respect them.
Aloha RJ...Ouch!! yeah that hurts like hell and your story has been mentioned so many times on this MIP board. It is a usual story about what it is like being in "love" with an addicted or alcoholic person. They are and your life isn't anywhere near normal unless messed up has been normal for you which it was for me. Curve balls are usual within this disease. Nothing is ever straight; alcohol affects everything it comes in contact with and alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions...so abnormal is normal and you have found your way home to MIP and the membership of Al-Anon who know here you are at and what it is like. We have been there also. If you really want the situation to change this is the place and these are the people who can help you make that happen to you. Al-Anon Family Groups can be found in most contries on this planet (isn't THAT remarkable? you're not alone) and none of the membership can save or change your own alcoholic; we can however tell you how we changed our own situations and many of us have had very similar situations like yours. Some of our stories are abit different but the similarities are what helps our understanding. What most of us will agree upon is what we did and how it changed our lives so that we can enjoy wide happiness and serenity for that. If you're ready for that you've come to the right place.
RJ Sorry you are hurting.... this disease will get ya everytime However on your partner wanting to stay in the same area that he has done his rehab and go it alone for a while is actually quite common. I've known many who have done that. Thier whole focus for a while is on themselves and staying sober, they also have made many contacts that now know them and they feel comfortable with. So as painful as it is I don't think he is trying to hurt you purposly although that doesnt make it hurt any less. Especially after you have been the one that has seen him through the toughest times and taken on the respondsibilty while he was gone. I truly am sorry for you hurt and wish i had magic ways of removing it. Please use this time to take care of you and work focus on your recovery Blessings
