The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I will try to explain how this is happening for me, I wear my heart on my sleave and usually by default thats how I respond to everything, a very strange thing happens though with my alchoholic husband, when we discuss the problems we face I feel chewed up inside, my gutt feeling is in turmoil, and I have always stuggled to keep my resolve in these situations, my will is so strong and so too are my beliefs, we are facing a very difficult situation right now, our son is spiralling out of control, and we had come to the decision if he wasn't going to follow house rules and he felt he would be happier else where then so be it, I am not trying to think too much about the downside of the consequences of taking this action, only the positives, and since nothing we have done collectively has helped this far, I feel this is a new option that we have nothing to lose by trying, this morning my son has spent two nights away from home with no contact, he's a vulnerable child and of course it hurts me, but this isn't to hurt or control, the odds are he may turn up later for clean clothes and a wash, since he left with nothing, when I see him if I see him today, how do I stand strong, I don't want a battle, this is new ground for me, my husband is weakening this morning he is pain as I am, I feel two nights away is not enough to feel the consequences, if he is allowed back home after this he will think ok two nights every now and then and I am back in, this is all projection though as after some space and a whole lot of pleading my heart softens and of course I want my son home safely with us.
So heres the kicker, my head says NOOOOOOOO, chnage is painful cahnge is scary but, to the confident chnage is inspiring because the challenge exsists to make things better, please think of us.
No one can decide how best to handle this but you and that makes it sooo hard. It would be so much easier if someone would just step in and tell us the 'right' thing to do. Actually, if you can turn it over to your HP, He will do that for you. It may not be the answer you want to hear, but, in the end, it will be the answer that brings you peace. It's just sometimes (almost always for me) hard to know the difference between our own will and that of our HP. And change is usually only inspiring AFTER it happens and you can see the effects; while it's happening, it's usually just plain scary to us all! It sounds like you are making wonderful strides in listening to that inner voice and doing what needs to be done rather than acting on impulse, which is usually so much easier. Congratulations to you on your growth and strength. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers today and hoping that the day brings you the clarity and answers you are seeking.
Love from NGB
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time"
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Your last line says it all. That's one of my favorite quotes. Boundaries are meant to benefit you. Try and remember that. If you send a child to his/her bedroom because they've been bad, and that child has a TV, computer, toys, phones, etc then what's the point? However if you take away their privileges then they hopefully will learn that actions have consequences.
Stand strong and do what is best for you and your family. You can do this. I have great faith in you. We will always support your decision, no matter what it is. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Even though my xah was not a teenager or young adult, He might as well have been.
Whenever I would ask him to leave, I would tell him and " bring your clothes", he never would take them, because he really had no intentions to stay gone.
He would leave for about 3 days, thinking he was punishing me for telling him to leave. Thinking it would all blow over when he returned. Your son will return and you may have to really let him know your serious. Of course thats completely up to you.
In order for anything to change, we have to make a change. Nothing else was working for you. I have lots of friends that did hang tough and they had a great outcome. Good luck, Luv, Bettina
Aloha Katy...Our Super Saturday meeting was on the subject of Letting go and letting God from "As We Understood" a CAL issue which came out of a world conference and which contains ESH from the world membership that is 25 years of age. I remembered that learning how to do it was about practice rather than thinking..."doing in spite of feelings and thoughts" and at first that was near impossible a perception as I ever had arrived at. Taking myself out of the picture and the solution regarding the alcoholic wife and son and keeping myself out of the picture and solution was not what I had been taught early on by my parent and church. The teaching was very polar opposite and then I also came to believe that practicing the former was had never worked no matter how hard I tried and trying resulted in insanity and chaos.
Turing my entire self over to the program and the membership was what I was left to and for me although the process resulted in recovery for all concerned it wasn't how I pictured it should happen or be but acceptable to miraculous in scope. The reality I came to understand was that if I had kept my hand in it; recovery would have never come at all; God's way, Their way or my own. Too many wills involved and only one more powerful than the others. Letting go absolutely became the only goal for me and so I STOPPED everything and went to become taught. I have no control at all as long as there is one other will in the situation and very little control over the outcomes of my own plans and choices mostly because there is no such thing as being able to go thru life alone.
My addict wife...the alcoholic next...the alcoholic, addict wife then...my alcoholic and addicted son and myself would not find peace of mind, serenity and sobriety without a power greater than ourselves as directed from a program of recovery so regardless of how I felt I let go absolutely. I loved them and let them go. It takes humility, being teachable and patience, trust and hope and practice, practice, practice. There is no more destructive disease in the world that I know about than alcoholism and it doesn't need to destroy me as I choose.
Thankyou everyone, for your compassion and thought for us,helping me to keep my faith and resolve, it's scary and new to try something different, and boy this practicing it as apposed to just thinking about it is one hell of a multytask, it's just you think oh my this is scary, different, but I am at that point where I just want to see whats around the next corner, picture this, I'm the leader and you lot are behind me the answer is just around the corner, and I want to turn back but I can't because your all there behind me pushing me forwards encouraging supporting, and no what? I hope I can get around that corner and turn and face you all and smile a big smile and give you the thumbs up, and say hey it's ok, come on you lot, and together we are strong, for me thats what mip is all about, unity strength in numbers.
Our son didn't appear yesterday, but via the grapevine we know he is safe and well, this time apart is food for thought, and it is giving us all the well needed space to think and appreciate eachother, our son is a free spirit, we will all be just fine, I love you lot! x
