Enabler to my 39 year old son - Al-Anon Family Group

okwitt · Veteran Member

Enabler to my 39 year old son

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Okwitt

You have come to the right place. Miracles in Progress and Alanon will offer you many tools that will enable you to be able to respond in different constructive manner to this painful disease that is threating your son.

Please know you are not alone and are doing what I and most mothers do in an attempt to protect our children.

Alanon believes that this is a disease and that we Did Not Cause it, Cannot Control It and Cannot Cure It. There are face to face meeting in your community and on line meeting here 2xs a day.

It is important for us to break the isolation caused by this disease, Focus on Ourselves, Live One Day at A Tme and Share with others in this program waht is going on.
Face to Face meetings can be found by

By going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

And placing your cursor over about us in the upper left of the screen, 3 more pull downs open. One of these is information for the newcomer, and the second is Al-Anon for you; both have good information.

Another good place on the Internet to find out about Al-Anon on the Internet is at Online Al-Anon Outreach at:

http://www.ola-is.org/

Please keep coming back YOu are not alone

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 17th of June 2010 11:17:28 PM

okwitt · Veteran Member

Can you help me understand why I feel so scared to stop enabling him to get alcohol?

-- Edited by okwitt on Thursday 17th of June 2010 11:45:10 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha OK...I can for me tell you that the fear I went thru was because I didn't know
what else to do and what I was doing wasn't working soooo I came to Al-Anon afraid
and stayed along time still afraid until by attending meetings, reading literature,
doing a meeting everyday for 90 days and learning the steps, slogans, traditions and
more the greatest thing that ever happened to me was that the fear eventually just
disappeared. When it did because of the program I walked around saying "Free at
last, Free at last...thank God I'm free at last".   Fear is what makes this disease run
and run until we reach insanity and/or death.   In the meetings you will learn so many
alternatives to what you are doing right now that isn't working and you will reach
happiness fearlessly whether your son is still drinking or not and you will get your life
back in better shape than it is right now...but you gotta go and go soon.

You might also be feeling fear because you think you have some power that is supposed
to be in you to fix the situation and now you are being told that you don't and no
body does until your son admits he has a problem himself and runs to get help.
He's still thinking that he is normal...he's not ready yet. When the pain gets too
much for him to handle he may seek out help. AA has been around for 75 years
this month and it will be there for him with or without your direction which hasn't
worked up until now. Take your fear to a meeting like I did. The groups will know
what to do.

Al-Anon is in over 100 countries on this planet and has thousands of meetings a week
going on. You are not alone and this is a worldwide fatal disease which has you and
your son in it's grip. Don't wait for him...you go. Take your focus off of him and put it on yourself for the hour or so that the meeting lasts. After the meeting talk with the
fellowship and get literature and a meeting schedule so that you know where the others
are and at what times. We're talking about saving your life.   Keep coming back here
also because the MIP family now has you in its heart and prayers.

(((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 18th of June 2010 12:30:47 AM

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Has anything u have done actually stopped him from buying alcohol ?? probably not ,what your doing is not working , please find Al-Anon meetngs for yourself u need support . Louise

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Good morning ockwitt, I turned my 19 year old son away from home last night because everything we say and do falls on deaf ears, he's on a trail of self destruction, I have feared the consequence of following through with this action, because of course as a mother it goes against all that i am, but as i sit here this morning although with a heavy heart, I hope by doing this I am giving him his own choice, and not demanding he follow the choices we would like him to take, I had tried so many times to make a boundary and stick to it, but my own projection of fear and worry always made me back down, so just for today I am trying to be strong, and I love my son dearly, up untill this point we have been in daily conflict, it's very wearing but I feel it was the right desicion, nothing changes if nothing changes, take care!

Katy

x

Mobirdie · Senior Member

I haved walked in those same shoes for so many years. One thing I have noticed at our meetings is that there are more and more parents seeking help with their children (usually adult children) who are in the depths of their disease. It used to be that most of the people I saw at meetings were there because of a spouse or a significant other but those trends are changing.

I have learned a lot in the time I have been in this program but one of the biggest ones I think is that we can Love them to Death. I was actually told this by a member of AA one night and it shocked me. He went on to tell me that I had to back off COMPLETELY because what I was doing was either going to kill me or kill my son or possibly both. I had become so addicted to my son and his disease that I had actually became as sick or sicker than he was. That statement along with a lot of good advice and guidance from a wonderful sponsor led me to the point that I could actually QUIT. I quit loaning money, I quit bailing him out of jail, I quit solving his problems for him, I quit asking him if he had been using, I just QUIT and turned him over to my higher power.

It wasn't until that time that things started to change. I started getting stronger, I started waking up with a smile on my face and I started to grow again. Today I am OK most of the time and my son....well he is on his own and he is doing ok. He is figuring out how to solve his own problems and Just For Today I believe he is clean and sober.

I strongly recommend that you find a face to face meeting, get yourself a sponsor and start working on you. We can't fix them and that is a tough one, we are their parents of course we are supposed to fix the boo boo's. But this is one boo boo that is only fixed by them along with their higher power.

We didn't Cause it
We can't Cure it
We can't Control it

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((((((wELCOME)))))))))))))))))))))),

First of all know you are not alone....you are here with some of the best help there is to offer. We have been there my friend.

Maybe you can't stop because he is your addiction. We become addicted to our addicts as they beccome addicted to allcohol and drugs.

You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and for sure you can fix it.

Please keep coming, get to a meeting, prayers for you and your son. Once you start fixing you then you will learn that he has to fix himself.

With Hope,
Andrea

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

(((OK)))

I can feel what you are going through. My A son is 39 also and has had 2 dwi's. He only spent a weekend in jail for the first dwi.

I have to turn him over to his HP regularly. I cannot help him. It is hard for me to withdraw from him sometimes. I know he doesn't want this life he is living but I guess it has not gotten bad enough yet for him to surrender his life to a HP. I will pray for all moms that are dealing with addicted children. It is one tough place to be but I know it has really nothing to do with me.

Please go to F2F meetings. They are so helpful and I need to walk the walk some more myself.

Take care....you surly are not alone in this

DreamsOver · Senior Member

You have come to the right place, I am the mother of a 30 year old addicted son, that I have been trying to help since he was 19, and I can testify from experience that you cannot make the decision for him to turn his life around.

I did everything I thought a mother should do for her child, but it hasn't helped. He was arrested Saturday night for getting smart with a police officer, he was high of course.
I did not get him out of jail, I haven't ask him about how he got out or what he has to do to satisfy the court.

I am trying so hard to stick in place, I don't know where all this is going right now I am in hour to hour mode as he calls and wants money. Is he hungry? Can he find a place to sleep? Will he__________? Fill in the blank.

What has been shared with you here by these wonderful people I can't add any better wisdom, but I can tell you that you are not alone in your pain.

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Okwitt.....just want to add my welcome to you. Youve had some fantastic responses and I cant add anything except to say it was only in Al-anon I found the strength and the courage to change...thats why I keep coming back. Miracles in Progress is well named.........theyre happening every day. Stick around.

I have an Ason, 33............walking it right there with you.

In support

(((((hugs)))) Ness

MsClarity · Newbie

I m so glad to have found this thread. It's been two weeks since I have completely stopes enabling my 24 yr old son. He calls and says "do u have any food" or blanks.....,etc. I have been able to refuse him all each time but it's gut wrenching for me. He is not the person he was just a few years ago. He is completely drug driven. I cannot help him. Of course he tells me "my problems are differnt"! I have heard that one so many times in open aa rooms! I know that letting him come to my house for food and comfort is enabling because my sponsor told me that. So I'm detaching with love. Every time he asks I say I love u but I cannot watch you kill youself anymore! It hurts but as each day each time I say no I feel better. He is still being extremely enabled by his dad who he lives with. I can no longer b part of that dance! He has destroyed their house, stolen from his dad. All the terrible things we already know. He is a man now and I have come to believe I need to let him be the man he wants to be. Keep praying!

okwitt · Veteran Member

We just had a fight and he stormed out. I am again so upset. Wondering , guilt fear
I don't know what to think because fear overides, cause in the past the phone rings- he's, been locked up 2 times dwi ,1 dwi and badly hurt in wreck, and sometimes he talks bout sucide.Last time dui speeding 101 he is on bigtime probation.( any messup and he goes to pennitentarty 5yrs} awaiting recovery house but i'm fraid something will happen before he gets there. HELP He lives by himself in remote area' has no friends, broke up in January with a woman who was a violent abusive alcoholic and drug addict. He is alone. Should I call and check on him or not??

Mobirdie · Senior Member

Okwit, I will tell you what my sponsor has told me so many times.

God's got him, leave it alone and what is supposed to happen will happen.

I have heard the suicide talk so many times it's gut wrenching. The last time I heard it I told him "I love you more than I love myself but if that is what you choose it will be your choice and yours alone."

When my son repeatedly blamed me for his addiction and his awful plight in life I finally told him "You can blame me for the way you turned out but you have to blame yourself for staying that way; If you don't like what's going on in your life then get off your hiney and do something about it." Alcoholic's and Addicts are very resourceful people. He will find a way to get what he needs whether it is a meal to eat; a bed or floor to sleep on; a road deeper into his addiction or a road towards sobriety, he will find it.

Sometimes jail is the best thing that can happen to them, some of the best recovery happens in jail. I can honestly say that the times I actually relaxed when he was in jail. He had 3 hots and a cot, he couldn't hurt anyone or himself and he actually had to obey some rules.

We have to love them enough to let them fall and that is tough, I know and I've thought many times that my son has found his bottom only for him to prove that there is one lower than the one he just reached. As I have learned in this program, he and only he will know when he has reached that bottom and I have to leave it alone and let him and his higher power take care of that.

If you have an ODAT start reading on detachment. If you don't then go to www.coping.org and do a search for detachment. There is an excellent worksheet on detachment and a wonderful poem on the last page. One more thing....when I don't hear from my son is when he is doing ok. It's when he isn't ok that I hear from him often.

REMEMBER>>>>>>>>>>
This is not your fault. There is absolutely nothing you could have done differently that would have made a difference. Your son has the only disease that the world will yell at him for having. Take care of yourself and let your higher power take care of your son.

HUGS

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Just adding my support to what Mobirdie has said and heres a detachment link.....I read it almost daily. http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Keep coming back......we cant do it alone and dont have to.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

Ness

okwitt · Veteran Member

I know everything I read in the article was right.
Just reading it overwhelmed me---because ........
somewhere and how I must start the detachment......
then I say.. my son is so alone now until this year of probation is up I feel like...scared-but that's why I'm online now...then I start all the fixing in my head...because he's still drinking,nervous,depressed etc
and all that goes with it.
Thanks "NESS" for sharing it with me!

-- Edited by okwitt on Monday 21st of June 2010 04:34:26 PM

-- Edited by okwitt on Monday 21st of June 2010 04:35:50 PM

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Youre welcome!

For me detachment has come in babysteps and runs hand in hand with boundaries. I hit a hard bottom before I knew something had to change and that something was me because the drinking wasnt stopping anytime soon . The great people here gently lifted me of my knees and pointed me towards f2f meetings. My life is getting better, one day at a time. My son is 33 now and his disease has been progressing since his early 20s...and as his progressed, mine did too, but I was doing the best I could with what I knew at the time.

This is such a gentle programme...take your time..... and as I was told, don't try to eat the elephant all at once smile

okwitt · Veteran Member

My computer won't let me get on the chat page.

I can not attend meetings outside my home at this time, so if some one will talk with me on these posts- that is all the help I'll be getting.
So far what you all have said to me- I am working on those things.
Help does anyone understand?

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Okwitt,

A couple of years ago Mobirdie posted something that I have used over and over when trying to offer ES&H to someone facing the problems your sons disease has and is causing in your life. She related a story of a recovering alcoholic who stated that he had heard hundreds of other alcoholics tell their story and had not ever heard one on them say they had been saved by their Mother.

As much as you love your son you can't save him. You can worry and stress but what good has it done and what good will it do......nothing. You are powerless. Let go and let God is the best thing you can do for your son. Turning your son over to your HP and then getting out of his way will give you the peace you need in your life. What better hands could your son possible be in.

HUGS,
RLC

okwitt · Veteran Member

RLC- I loved your advice. Thanks for sharing this story with me. I'm going to read it over and over. I know you're right. I just have to make sure I keep it in my head. Many thanks!!!

okwitt

okwitt · Veteran Member

Tonight is just like all the rest. I will go to bed worried to death. The fear I feel is so intense.
I guess nothing is sinking in my head that you all have told me. Right now my head is pounding from tension. I hope this place will eventually help me. I pray....

okwitt · Veteran Member

Katy,
Thanks for the advice. I hope things are better with you and yours. My situation w/son is same. I don't have access to meetings outside my home. I am trying to
learn as much from this website as I can.

Sincerely, okwitt

-- Edited by okwitt on Sunday 27th of June 2010 05:18:22 PM

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