The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My mom is in AA and is something like 4 months sober, and honestly, this is the first step I've taken to trying to understand everything.
Right now, my mom and I aren't speaking. But here's some history - sorry if it's long, I'll try to only hit the important points.
Growing up, she would be what I would probably call a binge drinker. She'd drink sometimes, but when she did, it was always to the point of getting drunk. Now, I understand that this is still an alcoholic. Not necessarily someone who drinks every day, but someone who can't stop once they start.
I moved from Washington (where she still is) to Arizona in July 2005, so I haven't been home on a daily basis to observe anything, but according to my sister who still lives at home, nothing had changed in any significant way.
My mom's sister passed away unexpectedly in January, 2009. This was really the start of the daily drinking. Sometimes, I'd be on the phone with my mom and she'd be drinking. She'd then tell me after an hour or so that she had finished a six pack. I got married in March, 2009 and everything seemed okay, but we were all still grieving quite a bit over the loss of my mom's sister.
I visited in July, 2009 and was amazed at the amount of vodka she was going through. After speaking with my sisters, we knew that we should do something, but she was angry when we mentioned it, saying that she was only drinking like this because everyone was at home and we were celebrating and having fun. However, I knew that she would drink more because when we spoke on the phone every evening, she would be drinking. And, my sister who lived at home said that she went through a lot of vodka on a weekly basis.
In January, 2010, my husband and I went on a cruise with my mom and dad. Mom and dad have always had fights and things, but have been married 27 years. They both have argumentative personalities - it's something that's just always been there. However, a few months before that cruise, my mom had been talking more and more about how much she couldn't stand my dad, and my sister would talk about how they now fought every time they were together.
On this trip, mom drank A LOT. We all did, but mom really overdid it. There is a video of us on the beach, and while I'm clearly tipsy after three margaritas, mom is on her seventh, and she's perfectly fine. She says now that watching this video was the trigger to her joining AA.
Anyway, I spoke to my mother less and less after that cruise - which I didn't understand. It was as if she avoided me. February 10 was my birthday - she didn't call. She didn't call on Valentine's Day. I would call and she wouldn't answer, and I would send texts and she'd reply with one or two word answers. I was hurt and confused, and not sure what was going on.
In April, my dad called to tell me that my mom had moved out about a week after that cruise in January. He said that she had joined AA and was seeing a psychologist for therapy. He said that she was still sober, and that this is what she needed. What doesn't make sense in my mind was how leaving my dad is somehow linked to her sobriety.
Now, she and I aren't really talking. Right after my dad called and told me this, I would try to call her in the evenings when I was off work, but she would tell me she had to go to an AA meeting. And that she was going 4-6 times a week and doing so well...
The worst part is how very selfish I feel. I feel like she doesn't need me, my dad or my two sisters because now she is living her own life, and she has all of these people in AA that she talks to constantly now, and doesn't need any of us. I can't even remember the last time we spoke on the phone, and we have exchanged a few texts back and forth that have all been trite and inconsequential.
I guess I'm just looking for some help. My husband and I are visiting up there in two weeks from today, and I am dreading this trip. My mom and I have always been unbelieveably close - she used to say I was her best friend. I feel like I can't talk to her - I don't know what to say. Not only am I deeply hurt by the fact that she didn't call on my birthday, anniversary, Easter, anything, and it feels like she completely ignores that I'm even here, I really, really don't agree with the fact that she left my dad. That, in my mind, is not okay.
I don't know if anyone can help me with what I need to say to her? Or how I approach any of this? Clearly, I don't want to cause her to backslide, and I am happy she is sober, don't get me wrong. I just want to know how to fit among this new support she is recieveing from people at AA.
I am so very sorry this is so long. This is the first time I've really even "talked" about this, so I guess I do feel a bit better getting it all out there. Thanks for reading if you got this far.
Aloha Arizona...No need to apologize...we here all understand and your shoes fits very comfortably. The shortest suggestion I have which worked like a miracle for me was go to your telephone book and in the white page section look up the hotline number for Al-Anon and call it. If there isn't a live voice to talk to listen for the phone numbers and or meeting times and places where the Family Groups meet and get to as many meetings as you can before going to see your Mom. You might want to ask your hubby to go along with you for mutual understanding and support. When you get there get as much information about alcoholism as you can, much of it will be without cost, and read it all so that you can get an understanding about what alcoholism in a "parent or a friend" has caused in your life. You might want to remember this suggestion so that you can get it to your father when you see or hear from him.
I come from this disease also and have been married to addicted and alcoholic women. In Al-Anon I have learned many things about the disease of alcoholism and what it has done to me. I also learned what my wives and family suffered from while under it's spell and that it is a fatal incurable disease which can only be arrested by total abstinence and a program of change. AA is the most successful. Your mom is with people who understand where she has been, where she has come from, what she has suffered and what she wants to do. She knew she had a problem even when you and your family was trying to tell her and probably has some deep shame and guilt over it. Alcoholics are total human with a life threatening fatal disease of the mind, body spirit and emotions. You will hear that in Al-Anon and you will learn about it and mostly about how you have been affected in the same way.
I deeply encourage you to go as soon as you can so that you can experience the freedom we have gained from the fear and hurt ourselves. (((((hugs)))))
PS...I've heard that Arizona has some very very good program.
Hello and welcome , please like Jerry suggested find Al-Anon meetings for yourself u need support from people who understnd exactly how your feeling and can share thier own recovery with you , u do not have to do this alone .. I have severl AA friends who have sharred with me the way they felt in early recovery , AA is a life line for them ,literally life and death , AA members understand an alcoholics struggle we on the other hand dont . My AA girlfriends have told me that they were so filled with guilt and shame it was difficult to face thier children ,especially thier children . When u see mom in a few weeks just give her a big hug and love her , at the moment she probably dosent feel loveable or feel that she deserves it . Take care of yourself and enjoy her sobriety ... Louise
Thanks for the advice. I am nervous to go to a meeting...and especially to share with my husband all of this.
He knows about everything and he knows I'm upset, but mostly about the fact that my mom left my dad. He's never known my family to not be speaking and now we are, as he calls it "at each other's throats."
I feel so very embarrassed to admit it, but I am ashamed that this is my family. That my mom left my dad and that she had a problem like this. And then I feel stupid because I'm 25 - this is not something to be embarrassed of. I work in the medical industry - I see things like this every day. The fact is, many people are divorced. I just can't, can't agree that it's okay she left my dad.
I'm just very, very conflicted.
I will try to gain the courage to attend a meeting, though.
Something else that concerns me is that there will be quite the group of people in WA over the 4th at the house where my dad and sister still live. My mom, of course, has her own place now.
My middle sister (I am the oldest of three girls) said that mom told her and her boyfriend that they were still permitted to have drinks over the long weekend, and that everyone was.
Is it really a "safe" situation to have a bunch of beer and wine sitting around?
Keep talking. There is alot of experience, strength, and hope here. I don't get along with my mom. She drives me crazy. My dad was the alcoholic but living with my mom was and still is worse. Keep coming back.
((((Arizona)))) your Mom is learing to be responsible for her own sobriety. She is the one with the disease and she is the one who has to stay away from booze and the temptation of it. She will get the best feedback from the recovering alkies at her meetings and it is no doubt that she will be told if she hasn't already that "If she hangs around the barbershop she's gonna eventually get clipped." She will get more from "them" on how to get and stay sober than she will from you or anyone else in the family that doesn't understand the nature and process of alcoholism.
Get to the Al-Anon meetings and learn things like loving the alcoholic unconditionally and how to detach...stay out of their garden when you think you see weeds. It's her garden and it probably had more weeds before she got into AA than it does now. Don't forget to pray for her to a power greater than Arizona (you and the whole state of). She is the only one who can work her sobriety.
Just think of it...if the last time that you saw her she was doing a bottle of Vodka within a day and a 6 pack in an hour (1 beer ever ten minutes....that's a problem drinker...)and now she isn't drinking at all she is doing something very different and better for her life...the divorce? answers come for that one down the road.
You can't control her drinking, you can't control her choice of friends, or her choice to leave your dad. The only thing you can control is how you react to it and how you allow it to affect your world. I repeat the suggestions of others, get to an Al-Anon meeting, read everything you can get your hands on about alcoholism, come to this site and read what others have been through and continue to struggle with. The love and compassion you can find here any hour of the day or night will hopefully be as great a comfort to you as it has been to me.
Above all, don't feel guilty about feeling hurt by her seeming lack of concern for you. She's your mom, and moms are supposed to love us and take care of us, no matter what. It's sad that it just doesn't work out that way for so many people, but you have to come to believe that it is not your fault. And remember,this has been a lifetime in coming, it can't be fixed overnight for either of you.
At my lowest points, I just keep repeating,"I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I certainly can't control it."
Know that you are not alone and that there are many, many folks out there who thinking of you right now and offering up a prayer that you will find peace. Know that you are loved.
__________________
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
You have received ES&H (experience, strength, and hope) from members with years in the Al-Anon program. Step one states.... I admitted I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. That was hard for me to accept, even though I had been beat down by this disease and couldn't find my rear end with both hands. I was crazy, my head was spinning, and I didn't have any idea where to turn. Someone suggested Al-Anon. I had no idea what the program was or how it could possibly help me, besides I wasn't the one with the problem. I went to my first f2f meeting for only one reason. I wanted to stop my alcoholic from drinking. It was not only destroying her life but mine as well. I was told that there was no magic pill. I was told that I can't cure her disease or stop her from drinking, and that I had no control over anyone but myself. The ladies in that room told me that I needed to put the focus on myself, and I needed to recover from the effects the disease was having on me. I didn't understand everything I was told, but I made a promise to myself and my HP when I got home that night that I would try the program, accept it, trust it, and not question it. I had nothing to lose. I continued going to f2f meeting twice each week, if I didn't have time, I found time. I knew the program had worked for millions of people like myself worldwide for over 60 years, who was I to question it. Four years later I can honestly say it's the best thing I ever did for myself.
Rachel I hope and pray your Mother stays sober. She is in recovery and working her program fighting a cunning, baffling, powerful and deadly disease. She made that choice. Now you can make the same choice. Begin today...... start taking care of yourself.
There are many tools in al anon for dealing with issues like the party you are speaking of. One is to have a plan be. Suppose there are people there who are drinking and you feel uncomfortable, have a plan of making excuses and leaving. In addition have plans of what to do if you are feeling you need to watch your mother closely.
Al anon can help you immensely. I'm not sure if anyone has told you there are meetings on this board twice a day. They are great meeting, a little different being over the internet but with great recovery regardless. You could certainly start there.
I've been looking at my family of origin issues for a few decades now. Coming to terms with coming from a very dysfunctional/addicted/mentally ill family doesn't come overnight. Certainly many people appear to come from something a little more functional. My experience is the close I get to certain people the more I am aware everyone has their issues. Some people are phenomenal at camaflaging. The key is not to compare as easy as it is to do that, as compulsive as it is to do that. We never really know what is going on in a family unless we spend a lot of time with them and live there.
If your mother has made a commitment to sobriety it wont matter how much alcohol is laying around , relax the choice is ultimatley hers Tell your husb everything so that the will understand , you have taken on the shame of your mothers problem and its not yours , you didnt cause this let it go . her behavior is not a reflexion on you.. enjoy . * hugs*
