Why am I the one who can't sleep? - Al-Anon Family Group

never going back · Senior Member

Why am I the one who can't sleep?

ears_open · Member

ngb, thanks for sharing! Nights like this were painful for me, but they brought me closer to acceptance, that regardless of what my DH said, my relationship with my Higher Power reminds me that I cannot be responsible for others' actions. Over time, my brain has been retrained by this program. I don't even start blaming myself anymore. I ask myself if my actions are lining up with my values, and if they are, I can do my best to try to go back to sleep - read a book, drink warm milk. Or accept that maybe I don't want to go back to sleep, and that's okay, too. And if I am angry because of my own behavior, I can reread Just For Today, know that this is just a moment in time, I'm growing every day, and I'll figure out what I'm to be doing instead.

You can do this, ngb! What's your plan for your next sleepless night?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Never GOing Back

IThe answer to your question is that As live and interact with alcohol (a Drug) in their systems and we are doing it sober and without any drug. Of coarse we respond with fear and concern.

Please keep coming here, turning it over, take care of yourself and trust that your life will improve. It is very important to keep in touch with program use your tools and remember not to HALT. Do not get too:
Hungry Angry Lonely or Tired.

When I cannot sleep I also read AlAnon literature or come here.

Please keep coming back

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

I feel so bad that you are not sleeping. Isn't that the way it goes? They have the problem and we can't sleep because WE don't know what to do about it???? confuse

I understand what you are saying about being mad, frustrated, etc... but if your being angry, makes HIM drink more, it's just another excuse. Detach, detach, detach. The more you react, the more it feeds his importance of having control over you and your emotions. The truth of the matter is, it is HIS addiction. He is responsible for himself. All you can do, is control the way that you want to react to it. Peace to you.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Never Going Back:

I can sure empathize with you! We all can. We've all had sleepless nights while our A's appear to be getting a good night's sleep. Unfortunately, the sleepless nights are a part of the process for many of us.

One day I realized that my confrontations with my AH (soon to be ex) were my attempts to 'control' him. It was a big bruise to my ego. On the surface, I told myself that if I confronted him about his drinking in the garage, I was helping him. But truly I was trying to control him. When I realized what I was doing, I stopped the confrontations.

I believe A's, at least most of them, truly dislike that they sneak drinks. They feel bad about themselves for engaging in something that is detrimental to them and others. Deep down, I believe they are aware of this. When we codependents point out to them that they are blowing it, they turn on us and drink more. Their likek little kids, good at finding scapegoats.

I have found it to be so true that the more I take care of me and let go of trying to control, the more at peace I have. Acceptance is key, too. I accept that I do not have control over his behaviors. And in fact, I surely don't think that would be healthy for me or him if I could control him. I certainly would not appreciated being controlled by another.

Things do get better for us. They really do.

Take care, Gail

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

No support ? what do they think we have been doing for yrs were still there , always makes me smile , my husb was having a bad daya while back and he started to slam my involvment in Al-Anon so i let him rant and then said he should be thanking Al-Anon , why he says , I simply told him the truth if I had not found this program there would be no family. all he said was OH !
my husb suffered from prostrate cancer and surgery too a couple of ys after he quit drinking ,but he did recover from that too . the sexual part of recovery * prostrate surgery * takes a while but it does happen .

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I never could understand what supporting an A meant. All supporting will do is enable their drinking. Do they mean to continue to try and "snow" us. As long as you "support" they will continue to drink.

The choice of the spouse is " Do I want to continue to live and react to this disease" Together or apart its everyone's own personal decision. But , you can live with an A and keep your boundaries, you dont have to get all involved in their drama and the affects of their disease, if you are drawn in, you will become sick also. Its like dont take everything they say and do personally, because the A is too busy punishing themselves for who knows what, and if you get involved with arguing and questioning, they need all that to fuel their drinking, they will use it.

I was with the XAH for 26 years , he said he had sexual dysfunction, WELL, turns out , he got another woman pregnant with twins, only thing dysfunctional about that is he was still married to me, turns out he was taking viagra and ended up with a heart attack.

Don't put anything past an alcoholic, leave him to his life, try to encourage him to do a program whenever he is feeling remorseful, which is rare, but maybe after a binge.

But, focus on your own life , create whatever it is that you want for you, try to live in the solution not the problem. Keep coming back. Live with courage, hope and wisdom. Luv, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 15th of June 2010 02:32:11 PM

-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 15th of June 2010 02:33:06 PM

never going back · Senior Member

My thanks to all. I keep coming back here and re-reading all your wonderful words of comfort, support , and wisdom. It's a great feeling to know that I am not alone. Ears open, I particularly liked your very simple question, "What's your plan for your next sleepless night?". WHY hadn't I thought of that? I CAN make a plan, can't I? I CAN be in control of something! Some things are right in front of me and I am just so wrapped up in my A's world that I can't see them.

Again, thanks to each of you for taking the time to reply. If you are here, it must mean that you are trying to work through your own pain and it means a lot that you would take time out of that for ME.

"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."

ears_open · Member

Thanks for your reply. I'm glad it helps to know that you aren't alone. Let us know how it goes :)

ythannah · Senior Member

Because I'm middle-aged, I've had the opportunity to observe lots of average, non-A folks who've had a health scare, and what do they do? They re-evaluate their lifestyle and make positive changes with a view to avoiding a similar scare in the future. Heck, a friend's brother ended up needing a quintuple bypass at the age of 49, and there are 3 of us now walking every day to promote our own cardiovascular health -- some of us can even learn from the mistakes of others.

A's on the other hand use any setback as an excuse to reach for the bottle. And when that excuse gets a little old and worn, they'll twist someone else's behaviour to manufacture a new excuse for themselves. Anything to avoid looking at their own responsibility for their drinking -- blaming another person works best for this.

I sometimes find that asking myself "What do 'normal' people do?" helps me get perspective on A behaviour.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.