The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like I have nothing left to give. Maybe that's been part of my sickness - giving too much of myself - but after this past year of focusing on myself and working on ME with my Alanon group, I just feel like I'm ready to go. I'm ready to let my AF live his own life and be free to make his own decisions. I'm ready to let go. And if he gets better down the road and is able to get and stay sober then maybe we can try again. I love this man so much and it hurts so much to want out, but the thought of staying is more painful.
I told his mother last week since she is my "boss" in the family business and knew she'd have to make some arrangements, and I was quite dismayed at her response. Since day one she's been supportive of me and has attended Alanon herself (a dream come true), but she pretty much thinks I'm "giving up" on him. Especially since he's claimed to be sober the last two weeks. She thinks he's getting better and I think it's just more of the same - moderately drinking, then binge drinking, then me saying I'm unhappy, then him promising change but nothing ever coming from it. It's all a cycle and I know there are many readers here who can relate to that.
I just don't want to be a part of it anymore. I feel like his disease is breaking me and I want to live my life, not just survive as others have said. I only moved to this part of the country to be with him and get married. I only took this job being part of the family business to be with him and have a future. This isn't what I bargained for. I can stand the thought of being alone and living by myself, but severing the tie just seems so hard. I don't know how I'll have the strength to do it.
Nothing more to give ? It may be time to just be.. Keep going to meetings focus on your own needs and let him go .. which dosent mean u have to leave .. just let go step aside so God can get at him , letting go is an attitude dosent have to be a physical change ... Of course his mothers response was the way it was if u let him go and leave he is now her problem .and she is his mother blood is indeed thincker than water . When the time is right u will know with out a doubt that its time to go . or its okay to stay . you wont have to discuss it with anyone U will know .. For now just be.
Only you and your HP can know what's right for you. In my past, there were times when I said "I'm done", but I couldn't make it stick. I couldn't stay "left". Why? When I look back, I realized I was forcing solutions. When I looked at my motives, I was hoping this last desperate act would lead to change in my AH. Of course, it didn't. And I was left with another example of not meaning what I say. Making it harder for my AH to know what I really meant when I said anything.
I could only suggest, based on my experience, to take time to look inwards and listen for your HP and be absolutely honest with yourself on your motives. A sponsor could be a great sounding board as you take some time to do this. Good luck, Rocky
Remember that you don't need his mother's approval or agreement. She's a different person in a different relation to him, and the way she interprets things is going to be different. What's right for you is right for you, and you are the only one you're in charge of and the only one in this situation that you can or should take care of. That's the way I see it.
I lived in the cycle you describe for 30 years. I heard every excuse, promise, compromise, and threat (including suicide) that you can imagine. I was in the same place you seem to be, I was tired of just existing and having my whole world dependent on HIS actions. When I finally totally gave it up and gave it over to my HP (and, being a very hard-headed, self-sufficient person, that was NOT an easy thing for me to do), things began falling into place. Not quickly or dramatically, just a little bit more peace of mind with each passing day. I'll bet in a span of about 2 weeks, there were at least 50 times a day when I pulled inward and said, "Okay, I can't handle this,I can't make this decision, I don't know what to do, please HELP me". And He did. But I had to get to the point where I wasn't asking for the solutions that I wanted, I was asking for the strength to make it through whatever solution He wanted. I found that strength and told my husband I was leaving him and within 3 days he began attending AA and our lives began to change. I,too, loved (and still love) my husband more than anything in the world. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to give up on him. But I finally came to realize that my love wasn't helping him get better and it was destroying me and my kids. And that I was playing a role in ensuring that the vicious cycle continued. Good luck to you, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
When I first found Alanon in 2003 , I can honestly say I was at my lowest ebb ever. I loved my AH so much that it hurt - very much like you describe. I went looking for answers, week after week - sometimes attending 4 different face to face meetings in a week just to keep me sane. I thought it was all a little bit weird and I found the format completely out of my comfort zone but when I look back with a clear head and a healing heart, I realise that it was because I thought someone human was going to provide me with the answers that I needed. I wanted someone to tell me that it was all going to be okay, that AH would stop drinking eventually and to have the patience to wait for him to do so. Either that, or I hoped someone would just say to me 'Look, you have to leave him and everything behind because you deserve better than this'. Of course, neither of these things happened. Instead, I worked the programme, as weird as I found it, until it began to make sense to me. I did what it asked, read all the literature and surrendered myself to my higher power. Somehow, and it can be viewed as nothing less than a miracle (which I like to think is my higher power), I found the answers within myself. I started the programme with every intention of trying to stay with AH - I was terrified of leaving and didn't want to be on my own. I came to realise that I had been on my own for a long time - most of my marriage. I reached a point where I realised that I lived alone and in a constant state of trauma, anxiety, and lonliness despite being married and living with AH. I had heard people say that you will 'know when you know' whatever the outcome was to be. I had reached the stage when not only had I had enough but I was ready to go. It was the most natural thing in the world when I had come to these realisations. Keep coming back - even when you think you are not getting anywhere, you have to trust that the answers will come and that you are working on yourself and a better life ahead - whatever that ends up looking like practically.
Lizatuck: Very interesting insight---- "I reached a point where I realised that I lived alone and in a constant state of trauma, anxiety, and lonliness despite being married and living with AH."
I know I really tried hard to try to see if I could find happiness living with my A despite his drinking and his cheating. I gave it two whole years in the Al-Anon program, trying to leave no stone un-turned. At the beginning, I was also terrified of the idea that maybe my answer would be "no, I can't be happy with him." That would mean leaving him and living alone.
I moved 3,000 miles away from home to an island in the middle of the Pacific to be with my AH. I honestly did expect him to be my "everything" before Al-Anon, and before I saw how deep my AH's troubles were. It was a horrible shock to me when I found out that I could NOT depend on my AH. I felt very alone and scared. That's around the time I started Al-Anon. I didn't go because I was feeling lonely and scared. I went because my AH suggested I go because at the time he was giving AA a half-hearted try.
I'm so grateful I stayed in Al-Anon despite that my AH didn't stay with AA. It took me a year of being in the program and working the first two steps with my sponsor before I could get myself to a point where I could think that, yes... maybe I COULD be okay if things ended up not working with my AH. If I found that I couldn't be happy with my AH whether he was drinking or not.
It was liberating realizing I'd be okay and having faith that my HP loves me and only wants the best for me and would take care of me no matter what.
It took me another year to get to a point where I realized that I was not going to be able to stay with my AH and still be happy.
Like Liza, at the beginning, I really did want to have someone in the program come up to me, put their hands on my shoulders, look me in the eye and either tell me. "You really have to stay. It's going to be okay." or "You really have to leave. It'll be better for you if you do."
No one ever did - and I am SO grateful for that. I felt like for the first time in my life, I was really being put into a position where I would have to make a very well thought-out adult decision about what to do with myself. If I'd taken anyone's advice to either stay or leave, I would have ended up feeling resentful or cheated somehow. If things didn't turn out right one way or the other, I'd blame that person. If they did turn out fine, I would forever go on with my life feeling like I still require other people's input on major life decisions. I wouldn't trust myself to be capable of making them myself.
It was clear to me when "enough was enough" in my relationship. And that instance will always be different with each person. And honestly, there are many many members who have found a way to be happy and live with their AH. And that's a beautiful thing, too.
I really appreciate the insight I get from everyone, and while it doesn't replace the f2f meetings, it certainly helps bridge the days between meetings.
Thanks especially to you, Aloha, because what you said really resonated with me. When I first came to Alanon I thought everyone would tell me I had to leave my AF immediately and that that was the solution to the problems I was having. When I started going to meetings I didn't want to leave my AF and just the thought of it would send me into a state of seeming paralysis (especially after I'd just moved my entire life to a new city away from everything I knew). It took months and months and months just to allow myself to think of the POSSIBILITY that living a life without my AF may be better.
In time I have learned, after a lot of contemplating, that I can still support and love my AF in his quest for happiness/health and at the same time take care of myself. Taking care of myself means getting on with my life and giving him the freedom to live his. I never imagined it to be possible to love someone and walk away from them, but this is also something I'm learning in Alanon. At the end of the day and after the work I've done in the program, I've found an even deeper love than the love I have for my AF: love for me. And at this crossroads of choosing to either stay with him and risk losing myself or leaving him and beginning anew and alone, I know I must choose the latter.
