The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's a long while since I've been here. I have been by myself for a long time now, since breaking up with my abf. I am now very scared of new relationships and don't know where to start. I don't have much experience of healthy relationships and am feeling overpowered. I've been working on my self esteem and would like to have a good relationship. I feel life is passing me by. can anyone understand what I'm going through? any advice would be great. annmarie
Funny, I just posted on another thread that I can't get into a new relationship until I've got my own head on straight.
It's my own (historically) poor judgement I don't trust; I've made such crummy choices in partners in the past that I'm afraid of doing it again. Plus I don't seem to be able to see "crummy" until it's hit me over the head several times, and then I'm so emotionally entangled that it takes me far too long to admit my mistake and get out.
Add to that my uncanny ability to attract A's like moths to a flame, and my own unconscious pull toward men who are either ACoA or addicts or both.
So it's not really new relationships that I'm scared of, it's ME.
I have a lot of hope that if I keep working an Al-Anon program, I'll get past that.
__________________
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Like Ythannah I have fear of my own choices in the who I pick part. I have been known to say I have a broken picker. On further contemplation though my picker is ok, but it has a huge compassionate streak from choosing the "charlie brown" tree so it can have a holiday to the scrawny stray. Scrawny trees and strays tend to bloom with love and decorations, people do not always work out the same way. It had been 2 years after my divorce I dated a few times and chose to start a relationship with a great guy, surprise after a few months I saw I chose someone who once they felt comfortable drinking around me was a over drinker if not more than that. I'm not going to judge whether he is an A or alcohol abuser, but definitely more than I am comfortable being around.
So now I have spent a year thinking about my picker and the mistake I made of revealing too much info about my past before getting to know the persons true nature and habits. Not to mention how quickly I tried to become perfect again .. as if that would make this relationship better, it did not work with my marriage. Old habits are hard to break. Right now I like to think I am too busy working, school, and working on me to date but honestly I'm scared too. I don't want to keep repeating the same thing.
I know I have a long ways to go after my divorce is finalized. I know I'm also scared about getting into another relationship. I've told many friends, I actually feel kind of sorry for the first guy I might end up with - I have a LOAD of trust issues I'm going to need to address after the experiences I've gone through with my AH.
One thing for me, though, is I feel I really need to explore why it would be I'd be feeling like I "need" to be in a relationship. What part of me is not okay that I feel I need to have someone else fill that void? Why am I not looking to my HP for that? Am I being realistic?
I'm still officially working my 4th Step with my sponsor right now, and I can imagine a lot of answers to those questions will arise for me.
For a while, I've been eagerly anticipating my move and having a place all to myself. I was feeling optimistic and cheery. And then, for some reason today, I'm feeling sad and scared about living alone. For whatever reason, I had a thought run through my head that it's going to be so far between meetings, that I bet the next time I see my ex-AH, he's going to look different to me. And that's a weird thing to think about. It got me feeling sad and panicky that I won't see him again, I won't know what's going on with him, and he could possibly disappear off the face of the planet, and I may never know.
That's my fear of abandonment rearing its ugly head. I know it would be healthy for me to not get concerned about what my ex-AH is doing after the divorce. Once it's final, he is no longer tied to me, nor I to him. And I know the truth is that will be a very good thing because of the nasty path he's taking with his drinking and dishonesty. He refuses to address his sexual identity issues and he's already working on snagging another woman. It's sad he's willing to repeat the same story again. I guess it's just easier than looking at himself.
In any case, my life isn't all about him any more. And in the future my life is and always will be about me and my relationship with my HP. I can't depend on men to fill that void. I just hope with Al-Anon I'll be capable of healthier relationships in the future, whether they're in God's plans for me or not.
I think its more important to develop friendships with men and women.
When it comes to relationships, you really have to get to know the person very well and take your time.
Its been almost 2 years since I parted ways with the XAH, I got into a relationship very soon after that, but it didnt feel right and I broke it off. Believe it or not , he was a milkdrinker and retired Attorney and a nice person. I was right to break it off, because he couldnt even be a good friend to me.
I dont look at like a priority. Its more important to have a relationship based on friendship. Both male and female. If a male cant accept that , then he has an agenda and Im not interested. This is my boundary, it must be a friendship first and I want to know him very well even if it takes a few years. No more rushing into anything.
Im leaving it up to my HP and thats good enough for me.
