The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here, but after reading through others experiences, it seems that maybe this is where I need to be. My husband has been an alcoholic for 40 years. Things got so far out of control 3 years ago that he finally began trying to get help. When I finally went through with my threats to leave him, he joined AA in September of 2008 and the difference was immediate and amazing. He was a recovering alcoholic for 1 year when he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He had a successful surgery in November of 2009 and although his physical recovery was excellent, mentally and emotionally, he has never really recovered. He was diagnosed as clinically depressed 2 months ago. About 3 weeks ago, he began riding a bike (now is riding about 20 miles a day) and that seemed to dramatically improve his whole outlook. However, for the past 2 months I have been noticing things that made me think maybe he was drinking again. I dismissed my feelings as paranoia, but in the past 2 days , I have found proof positve that he is drinking again. I don't know how much, or how long it's been going on, but none of that really matters anyway, does it? I am so out of my depth here, I just don't know what to do. I love him (we've been together since 1972, married since 1979) but I absolutely am not going to go back to that way of life either for myself, my children (2 grown, 1 still at home), or myself. I need advice on what actions I should take. I want to act with love and compassion but I will NOT allow this to happen to me again.
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Welcome Never Going Back. You are positively in the right place. Get to a face to face alanon meeting to go along with "coming here." The two combined are very powerful places to be able to recover. Also, I just completed the book "Getting Them Sober" (it is listed up above as free book) and it will help you tremendously. Your story is similar to almost all of us here. I've been married since 1977 and I totally agree with you... I'm never going back there. Alanon will help you and is continuing to help me. Once again, welcome!
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Thanks for the quick response, Sweet Stanley. I will try to get "Getting Them Sober" as soon as possible. When I was going through this 3 years ago, I read everything I could get my hands on about alcoholism and spouses of alcoholics. I read and re-read the 12 steps, especially the first three, and found that helped me cope more than anything. I have a wonderful support group of dear, long-time friends who make me feel much better about myself but none of them live with an alcoholic, so , much as they try, they just can't put themselves in my shoes. I need to talk to others of you who have been here. There is a support group in my area that meets on Thursdays and I am planning to attend this week's meeting. I just don't know how to handle this relapse, what's my bottom line? Our agreement since he joined AA has been that he will never drink again. We've never discussed what would happen if he did. I can't live with him if he's drinking again, and why should I believe him AGAIN if he says he'll stop? How many times do I make empty threats to leave before I finally do it? I'm normally a very mellow person, nothing much gets to me. But right now I feel so out of control.
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
The only way I know to not let this happen to you again , is to get a program of your own , i am assuming that you are not attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself at the moment , please for your families sake do it now , there is nothing you can do about HIS relapse but u can learn to not let it ruin your life as well . . Drinking or sober living with an alcoholic is challenging to say the least and I could not do it with out my program , it reminds me to mind my own business and that I am not responsible for his recovery any more than i was for his drinking by learning how to detach with love I no longer have to suffer from the decissions my husb may make .. I would suggest you purchase our book called Al-Anon How it Works , and a daily reader called ODAT one day at a time . with those books and f2f meetings your going to be just fine .. One of the most powerful things I have heard in this program was a statement by a lady whos husband had a relapse after a couple yrs of sobriety , when he wanted to discuss it she took his hand looked him in the eye and simple said . I am sorry u have to keep doing this to yourself . and got up and walked away . On talking to her husb later he told me that was the day he knew he was on his own , what he had expected were threats , tears and ultimatums and he knew how to handle those he also expected the how could u do this to us again /?? but when she put all the responsiblity back on him he said he knew she was done . And if this marriage was going to continue it was up to him to take care of his own problem ... Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Monday 14th of June 2010 04:13:22 PM
No one can decide your bottom line except you. What are you willing to do? How far are you willing to go? These are things that you may find answers to in Alanon. They say the one thing that you can do; is get you better. If you are still a codependent - you need to get yourself well. They say that by the time a A gets to rehab we are as sick as they are. I know I was, I am not totally well yet... but I am making strides. Good luck to you, it is a process that takes time... Hang in there.
I don't know how much, or how long it's been going on, but none of that really matters anyway, does it?
great awareness.......
It's his relapse and I love what Louise related.......spot on
One of the most powerful things I have heard in this program was a statement by a lady whos husband had a relapse after a couple yrs of sobriety , when he wanted to discuss it she took his hand looked him in the eye and simple said . I am sorry u have to keep doing this to yourself . and got up and walked away . On talking to her husb later he told me that was the day he knew he was on his own , what he had expected were threats , tears and ultimatums and he knew how to handle those he also expected the how could u do this to us again /?? but when she put all the responsiblity back on him he said he knew she was done . And if this marriage was going to continue it was up to him to take care of his own problem ...
I know I remained sick far to long it's only with the help of the folk here and eventually joining my f2f group I started my own recovery.
There are other alternatives of what to do when you have reached the end of your rope while trying to cope with an A, it doesnt have to be so black and white either. You can create your own life, with your own solutions. Whatever works for you.
Try going to a Face to Face meeting and stick with the program. It works if you work it.
