The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been awhile since I've been online as much is going on...I finally got the courage to leave my ABF about a month ago. I am going through counseling and he is supposedly attending church, AA & is meeting regularly with his sponsor. There have been some WONDERFUL conversations. Conversations that make me think if we both can get healthy, perhaps there is hope that our time together wasn't a complete waste and we can make this work...
However, we both realize we need time apart. Great. At the same time, we spent a significant amount of time together and this is very very painful on both sides. So the talking sometimes gets a bit tense - to put it lightly.
What I don't understand is we will be having what seems to be a perfectly normal friendly conversation and suddenly he gets mean. The switch happens so fast it makes my head spin! It is usually over something so stupid! Like after him telling me how he needs us to go slow in our relationship getting back together, he throws a fit because I don't have sex with him and starts threatening to "get what I gave him from another woman". I had just finished telling him how great it is to have time to work on our friendship. Or, he has gotten really angry because I won't drop everything and drive clear across town to see him at 11 PM on a night when we both have to work in the morning...
I know my sickness here is that when he does this, 1) I don't stop the conversation. I just keep reacting - saying that one last thing 2) I let it determine how I feel about myself. Especially since this seems so centered around his desire for sex I suddenly feel like I have no value whatsoever just in who I am. The most important person in my life only cares about that AND HE'S SOBER!!!! What does that say? Yep, she's a great one to have around...but only if you're drunk!! I know no one is saying that but gosh it feels that way!! And I keep looking to the A to somehow make that all be proved not true. SHEESH!
Anyway, after today's tantrum mid-normal conversation, he invited me to go swimming as though nothing has happened...It makes me wonder is this normal for someone who has just recently quit? When he was drunk, his personality flipped around a lot and reverted to childish tantrums but he's stopped...Is he really perhaps just a true multiple personality sufferer? Is he just evil? Did he hate me so much all along that this is a fun game to him?
I know no one has the answers to all that, but I am really curious to hear about other experiences in the first weeks of a significant other working toward sobriety...
Well first of all he as you are in the beginning stages of your recovery. Please try and remember his recovery is just that his. In my experience addicts are spoiled, manipulating, self-centered people. So that is probably where he is right now...my guess.
You my friend, have a program to work becaue he is your addiction, at least my husband was mine.
Try and remember it takes time and patience to get thru all of this. It does not happen over night. I hope you go to a face to face alanon meeting. Keep coming back I promise you it can get better for you if you work your very own program.
In my experience alcoholics have many personalities , but I suspect he is just what i lovingly call Stark Raving Sober , he is hanging on by a thread , emotions all over the place and dying to have a drink .. or he is drinking . time will tell Keep the focus on yourself attend your own meetings f2f and leave him to AA ,they will take care of him . watch what he does not what he says , if he is serious about his recovery change will happen .
Does my pain ever stop? I will be going along about my day and every 30 min or so it's like someone just dropped a ton of bricks into my spirit and I feel so heavy and emotionally like someone or something just socked me in the stomach and it takes awhile before my brain and senses unfreeze from that state. After enough of this, I find myself calling him, begging him to make the pain stop...Getting past how pathetic this sounds and is...how do I just make it stop and function like a normal person so that I CAN work my own program?
Can't help i say this.It is from Al Anon."We cannot rationalize insanity." All he says or does does not matter,it is a horrible disease he suffers. No use in trying to figure it out.
That is what makes us only look at us.
Sober means zero.An A still has A behavior.
Part of what can make us sick is trying to figure someone else out.
I sure do relate.I remember having a few good days,then out of nowhere,he says something evil that twists my gut and I know the disease is back.
Apparently you wanted things to stop,you don't live with him.However there is still a sick relationship.
For me,the only way was to cut off all ties. No phone,letters,nothing.The pain starts going away gradual.I realized how abnormal my life had been. That there is a nice life without the A and THEIR disease.
