The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My addicted son was arrested last night for resiting arrest after a fight he had with his drug friends.
He is now in jail and calling me to come get him out, the bail bondsmen just called and wanted to know when I could come and pay him the bail to have my son released.
I don't want to pay this or get involved with my sons actions.
Can anyone tell me what will happen if bail is not made? How long will they keep him?
I want to stay strong. Am I doing the right thing?
I realize how painful this is for you. I'm terribly sorry.
I can't tell you what to do, of course. However, I can share a personal experience with you that is somewhat similar.
My brother was arrested for domestic violence. His live-in girlfriend had finally had enough and called the police. She had taken his emotional and physical abuse for years. The police came and took him to jail.
My brother called for me to post bail. I said no. I won't even try to find the words how difficult that was for me to say. However, I knew that bailing him out would not be helping him.
My brother stayed in jail for over two weeks. He appeared before the judge several times during this time. Since he had threatened suicide, they stripped him down to his birthday suit and that is what he wore for over 1 week. He was in a cell by himself.
He did get out. It has been about 5 months now. He has a business with this girlfriend. They practically work side by side all day long. He has not once tried to threaten her. He says he never wants to go back to jail.
If I or someone else had bailed him out, he'd most likely be right back out abusing her again. Part of his penality is to attend weekly classes that address violent abuse.
Will he ever abuse her again? I don't know. But his jail experience does seem to have a positive impact on him.
Again, I realize that your pain is excruciating. I wish that I had the answer for you.
Gail
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I havent had experience of the bail system (I'm in the uk) so cant give any practical answers, but I know, for me, when my son is arrested (hes on 1st name terms with the cops where he lives) , usually for d&d (drunk and disorderly) its his problem and his alone. The cops are better equipped to cope with him in jail than you are at home and if he has an extended stay they are able to offer him all kinds of help if he wants it.
He knows not to phone me to fix it for him any longer......I used to be filled with panic and shame at the situation but that was my sickness in control.....and I did stuff to make me feel better but this was a short fix. Only through working this programme I know now that his disease is his to control, I am powerless..... and any shame or wrongdoing attached to it is his, its not mine to carry. He needs to feel it himself.
Your son is safe where he is......try to keep the focus on you
Just my ESH.....take what you like
In support
Love Ness x
-- Edited by Ness on Sunday 13th of June 2010 04:31:48 PM
I'm sorry for all the negative feelings this is causing you. My xAh went to jail a few times for various offenses. His family always bailed him out. He was usually drinking within a few hours to either cope with the trauma of jail or to celebrate being bailed out ... or whatever reason. He is now in prison for violating all the suspended sentences and probation that the courts allowed him to try to get sober. I was always a bit disappointed when they bailed him out. I kind of liked knowing he was at least not harming himself there. And now that he is in prison I feel safe ... that was a lightbulb moment.
I can not say for sure in your area but here if bail is not made then the person sits until the hearing. Typically from a few days to a couple weeks. Then depending on the sentence the time the person spent waiting for trial is counted as part of the time served if they recieve jail time.
Yes in my opinion you are doing exactly the right thing. He got himself there he can get him self out.
I am sure it is not easy to let your son sit in jail.....however he caused it he can handle it. I always tell my son don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
You are in my prayers my friend....and once again. YES it is my opinion that you are doing the right thing.
