The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been a while since I posted here last time. I'm so lost. I started going to the meetings, but it's so hard for me to keep my peace everytime I talk to my alcoholic/addict husband. I think that he's having a rough time right now. He's now going back to the dark days after being sober and clean for a year and half. When his addict mind kicks in(which is a daily thing now), it's hard for me to keep my peace. I easily get irritated and angry. I can't just ignore the things he says that he still wants to drink and smoke marijuana after years of crack use and DWI, and he is angry at AA since he relapsed three times already. How am I supposed to be quiet and show compassion? I am powerless over addiction/alcoholism, but it's very hard to live with active addict and keep my peace. I know that I need to make my own decision, but I don't know if I need to remove my self from him until both of us get better..
Hi! You said, "I don't know if I need to remove my self from him until both of us get better." Have you considered that the only person whose recovery you have any control over is your own? I stayed with my partner for many, many months after starting to attend Al-Anon. Al-Anon friends told me not to make any hasty decisions about my relationship, but to give it at least 6 months, and that no one else could tell me if it was time to leave the relationship, but if that day came, I would certainly know it.
I was given a couple of real gifts from her that she didn't know she gave me. One day, she got really angry with me over something and shouted, "Things went to hell between us when you decided I was an alcoholic." I had been in the program long enough that the words that came out of my mouth were, "You may be right" (I don't have to go to every fight I'm invited to!), but the words that came to me in my head were, "No, I started to get better when I realized you were an alcoholic." People had told me that if I came to Al-Anon and worked on myself, things would change at home. She would notice, and probably wouldn't like it that I wasn't continuing to do what I had always done before. And sure enough, she let me know she was noticing, and sure enough, she didn't like it. She tried mocking me and doing anything she think of to provoke me, even throwing temper tantrums, but I was getting better: I wasn't getting angry or furious or out of my mind any more. It became easier to practice detachment right there in her presence, being neither kind nor unkind, neither creating a crisis nor preventing one. And after 8 months of me being in Al-Anon, my partner suddenly announced to me that SHE was moving out. The only thing that came out of my mouth was to ask the next logical question, "When?" but the voice inside my head said, "This is a gift. Do not say anything to screw it up!" Her departure was messy and expensive, and will take me a long time to recover from financially, but I am facing that one day at a time as well. I realized that my financial difficulties were something that I could actually do something about, but I could not do anything about her drinking.
Just working on myself, the situation at home was definitely affected and improved. I could not control where it would go, but I do know that things are better. I don't think she has found any recovery yet, and for that I am sad, but by focusing on myself and my own recovery, I think the changes have been nothing short of miraculous.
I don't think detaching is easy at all. As far as showing compassion I had none for the ex A I was with until years on. For a long long time I detached with anger. At the same time I did detach, I stopped trying to control him, I bought the three C's, I can't cure it, I can't control it and I certainly can't control it.
Certainly eventually I did stop talking to the ex A about his drinking but I certainly had manifold slips along the way. I had to work pretty hard to not get back into that dance of my remonstrating, his rebelling and my raging. Opting out of that took a lot of discipline, energy and focus. I did not arrive at it overnight. I may certainly have compassion for the ex A now but I am still very very angry at him for what his disease did to me and how it is still affecting me many years after leaving him.
We are not Saints here at al anon there is a valid reason to be angry, how we channel that anger is so key.
Thank you guys. I am OK today, and I will continue going to the meetings and work the steps. I'm struggling with resentment, but at the same time I still care about my AH. I will not make any major decision till I get better. Thank you again for your support. I am truly grateful.
