I have just read a long article online about codependency. I fit the pattern all too well. One thing that characterizes a codependent person is a low feeling of self. This makes me think of the time I spent in therapy last year, when I said to my therapist that I dont see myself as a person. I still find it difficult to do things for myself, without expectations of others to tell me how Im doing.

I can see that I have been controlling in the relationship with my ex-girlfriend. I made myself into her savior, and in doing so, I had expectations to get something back. I did this the last time, when I lent her money for her flat rent. (Described in precious post Crisis again) It was not a selfless act. I have however made it clear that I will not help her out again. Whatever happens I have to stick to that, also including other people.

I and a good friend of me went out on Thursday to meet some others. We were going to celebrate that our exams had finished. It was a 30 min walk to get there. While we were preparing to go and during our walk there, another friend was texting me, first to ask for the number of the girl I was with. I texted back, and said that she did not have a phone at the moment because it was broken (apparently it got overheated during charging). I did however say that I could the girl I was with to call her. I got a text back saying not to worry. There was another text from her while we were walking. She wanted so much to go herself! The reaction of the girl I was with was that it was not our problem. She didnt ask any direct questions and we could not go back to wait for her. My reaction was that I felt so sorry for the girl who texted me. I felt like saying we could go back. Offer a solution for her to come too. And I felt guilty for days when we didnt.

The article I read said that this pattern often comes from our childhood. Im not sure what could have been a trigger, but I can think of many possible contributions for my developed codependency. One thing Im 100% sure of, is that my last girlfriend was not the cause.

My parents have always been very much to themselves. When they speak, it can sound like its them against the rest of the world some times. They also had the heavy drinking during weekends. Almost acting like this was necessary to recharge before the next week.

Another thing that comes to mind is my friendship with a boy I grew up with. From the age of 7 to the age of 12, we used to be with each other almost constantly. He would be jealous if I hang out with other people than him. I can remember him always speaking badly about other friends of mine. I was also very dependent on him. I did not know how bad it was, but I found a tape a while ago that we recorded when we were young. We used to play that we ran a radio station and must have forgotten to turn of the recording. He was at my place, which was rare. We usually played at his house. On the tape Im begging him to stay. Im trying to bribe him with food and various promises. He complained about that there was nothing to do at my place.

I think I was with him almost every single day these years. I stayed almost just as much in his house as home. Our parents just thought it was funny that we would stick to each other like that, but maybe it wasnt so healthy.

I think I got out of this as I met my first girlfriend. I was only 14, and she was 12 at that time, but we stayed together for nearly three years. I was very fund of her. I can also remember that I wanted her for myself more and more. She complained that I would not let her be with her friends so much. The breakup was horrible to me, as she started dating another guy right afterwards. This hurt especially much because she had assured me for a year that there was nothing going on between them.

My second relationship was very different. I was never so obsessed by her. It lasted for one and a half year before she broke up. The relationship itself was normal I think. I dont remember so much of it. But I can remember trying to get back with her for a long time after she broke up.

I was 19 years old when my second girlfriend broke up with me. And one time I was out with my friends I hooked up with a lady that we 38 years old (In my defense she looked a lot younger, and I did not know her age until after we slept together). That was my first and hopefully last one-night stand. Im not going to judge all the people who have one night stands, but for me it was totally wrong.

I did something very weird the day after. I told my parents about it. My mum got furious and my dad stopped talking for about three days. As if that was not bad enough I also phoned both my ex-girlfriends to confess. Its so strange. I felt bad about this for a long time.

This was also when I started living with my alcoholic friend while I was doing service electronics. I wrote about that earlier in a post called I have been like this for a long time. I think this almost killed us both.

There was six years in between my second girlfriend and my third. This is when I started dating my recent ex-girlfriend. Three years all leading up to when she broke up with me and I finally found Al-Anon. I have been writing so much about that relationship here before and Im not going to repeat it all, but it was not good. After looking on my behavior and emotions I can see how little my self esteem has become.

I am starting to feel better. My ex-girlfriends sponsor in AA has said its best for us to have no contact until she has done her steps. I never thought I would say this, but her sponsor is probably completely right. My ex-girlfriend wants us to stay friends. I cant say for sure if I can do that or will be ready when she is. I want to get to the bottom of all this. In the article I read it said that codependency must be treated in the same ways as other addictions. And if that is what it takes I know at least that I am in the right place.

Thank you all for making this possible.