The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been perusing the site and you all seem like a very nice group of people. I hope you don't mind me joining in. My husband comes home tomorrow after 4 weeks in a detox/rehab program. I have read lots about detaching, etc., but am still just so resentful. 6 weeks ago (even before he went into the program), he literally left me here with two kids and a super stressful job while he was off to "find himself." He became completely unreliable and lied like a rug on a daily (if not hourly) basis.
I think that just boils my blood is that he was actually released today and decided to drive back to another state with his new-found friend (and rehab roomie) instead of coming home. People are telling me to be patient and understanding when all I want to do is change the locks, file for divorce and find someone who actually does more than just say they love and miss me.
I am not ordinarily a complainer, but I'm not sure I want to be on this ride. Part of me doesn't care what his issues are because no one cares what my issues are. I'm left holding the bag having to be the "responsible" one because he cannot be counted on. And, quite frankly, it pisses me off to no end.
I will be going to individual counseling and he wants to go to marriage counseling. I'm not sure I do though. What's the use? So he can string me along a little more all the while leaving me to do everything for the kids, household not to mention my insanely stressful and demanding job, while he goes to meetings and God knows what else. It makes me very angry (in case you couldn't tell - lol).
Is that awful?
I am at my wit's end and part of me just really wants to be done with him. I guess I'm here for any suggestions, encouragement, insight, whatever. Sorry for the vent.
Welcome to the roller coaster ride I'm still waiting to get off at finding compassion myself = )
To be serious welcome to the board = ) I'm still a massive work in progress but I can tell you this board and this program does work if you work it!!!! I've learned a lot of helpful information on here....
Your not alone I'm sure you've heard your story in one if not all these post!
My best suggestion is focus on you and the kids................after all who else will?
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Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
Welcome! I hope you can learn as much here as I have...(and continue to)....
I remember the day before my AH came home (from 4th stint of 30 day rehab) and he was so excited to be coming home. We talked on the phone that night and he asked me "aren't you excited?" "haven't you missed me?" I was very frank with him and just stated one word.... "NO". I was really distressed that he would be coming home the next day. I was enjoying the peace and quiet and NO insanity in my home. And believe me, I was angry and resentful. How could he keep putting me through this if he loved me? Well, I'm learning that it is the progression of disease that keeps putting me through this.
I decided that night that this was going to be a fresh start for both of us. This is my last "fresh start". There are boundaries in place for both of us. I have jumped into this alanon program with both feet. I do "mind my own business." I am showing him the respect of treating him like the adult he is. I am NOT checking up on him in any way. I just feel that I have to give him a chance. This disease is shrewd and progressive. It does and will destroy everything in its path. Today my AH is sober and I think in part (I like to think) to me trying to get well. I can't imagine coming home from rehab to a "sick" partner. And I was sick. It is stated that by the time the alcoholic gets to treatment, we (spouse, kids, etc..) are as sick as they are.
I still have much to learn. I am scared that he will go back to the bottle. But, you can't live life with what ifs... Now that I have my husband back... I remember why I love him. I hope he stays sober with all my heart but if he doesn't, I will sadly go on with my life. I do have a lot to live for and alchoholism has the power to take my AH's life if he allows it, but it won't take mine along with it. It truly is all about choices.
Wow- sorry this got so long, guess I had a lot to say today...
Good luck to you. Work the program, it DOES work if you work it.... Peace.
I remember feeling like you wrote about in your post. In fact there are days when I can still go there, but I for the most part can stop myself.
When my ex (we have been divorced now since March of this year) first found the 12 step programs (almost 10 years ago) I was resentful of the time he was spending with his new buddies, all the meetings he was going to and all the time away from home. I was "stuck" at home with our 6 week old daughter while he was "off having fun". But see I wasn't stuck, I just made myself be.
I wish I would have found the rooms of Al-anon back then. I went to one meeting, decided it wasn't for me and spent another 2 years in misery because of that choice.
Today I am a single mom, work full time in social services but I am a very active Al-anon member. I am doing things for me which is something I didn't do before. I didn't have the time. There was always something else that needed to get done. Well.....I am important so I make time for me.
Al-anon gave/gives me a place to go where I can talk about and focus on me and how the family disease of alcoholism has changed me and my thinking. I work the steps and I have let go of all the insane things I did in the name of "trying to get him sober".
Al-anon gave me the three C's I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. Today I know I sure as heck can contribute to it....so I stay in my own yard. When he was living with me and still active in his disease I let him be. It was hard, but I knew I needed to stay out of the way of his Higher Power. I did a lot of praying, a lot of meditation, I talked to trusted friends in the program, I talked to my sponsor and my counselor before I made the choice to ask him to leave. This whole process took about 8 months. It is suggested that we don't make big changes for the first 6 months to a year. I am glad I did what I did. Ending my marriage was hard and a sad time for me, but I don't doubt that it was the right choice.
I hope you keep coming back, get to meetings and make time for you.....YOU'RE WORTH IT!
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
You received special ES&H from ladies who have walked in your shoes. Oh! the feeling of not being alone anymore. It's hard to describe but knowing that others care and want to give back to you what the program has given them is.....priceless. Welcome to your new family.
Without it being mentioned specifically "Take Care Of Yourself First" was suggested through out the replies to you. TCOYF is the first was the first thing I was told when I entered the rooms of Al-Anon. I like you were filled with anger, frustation, and all the other emotions that come from living in this disease. I didn't understsand how important that was at the time, or how tremendously important it would become in my recovery.
There is much to be learned from this board and I consider it an important part of my program, but nothing can replace f2f meetings. Check your local area for meeting times and places. If you haven't, please check out the post and replies from yesterday to "freeagain" on the topic "Hope" about her recent f2f meeting. It will give you a feeling of what you can expect. Start taking care of yourself first, you deserve it.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Friday 11th of June 2010 02:46:17 PM
Try and not be too upset by his going with a friend , he is comfortable with the friend who has been his support for the last few weeks ... If your worried about him comming home try and remember that he is too , he is full of shame and guilt and we are a reminder of what has gone on in the past .. and thats all i am going to say about him . Your anger and resentment are normal for us who love them , please find Al-Anon meetings for yorself , you need a place a safe place to vent that anger with people who understand exactly how u feel and will help u walk thru this difficult time . I have found it im possible to share t hose feelings with husband with out haveing world war 3 , they will never understand how thier behavior has affected us any more than we will understnd thier compulsion to drink . Al-Anons understand me its just that simple . I was told and alcoholic dosent have a hope in hell going home to n old idea and staying sober , i was also told that I was the old idea ..the alcoholic is not the only one who h as to change we do too , like it or not I had apart in this mess and could not continue doing what I had been doing . with a program of my own to take care of me I learned to stay out of his stuff and mind my own business, not to worry about what he was doing I had no control over that anyway..
No one cares what my issues are -- Your wrong we do care and will listen with love and understanding .
This board is great but nothing like your going to find in a real meeting ,please find the time to get to a couple of meetings a week , u do it for yourself and your kids . your husb is sober now * bonus* and u have a right to ask him to sit with kids while u too recover .. dont wait and assume they should know how u feel and need help , they dont get it . ask for what u need ..Sobriety is not easy it is not the answer to al of lifes problems but it helps . hehe Dont miss the good days , talk out the bad days with people who understand .and let it go. good luck Louise
Thank you all so much for your support and words of encouragement. It means a lot to me. It is also encouraging to know that I am truly not alone (even though sometimes it feels that way). I am so happy that I have found you all! I have been looking for local Al-Anon meetings. There is only one close to my house, and it met today at noon. :( I'm looking for one that meets on Saturday mornings and am going to try to make it to one tomorrow. Thanks
I have 26 years of experience of being married to an alcoholic of the highest order, LOL.
26 years ago, I wouldnt have been able to joke about this disease, it is devastating, baffling and cunning. Before you give your husband the boot(which I did 2 years ago), consider going to an Alanon face to face meeting and coming back to this board for encouragement.
Because even if we decide not to stay with the A, we still carry within us the affects of this disease. Dont feel like he is going off and having fun, I wouldnt want to trade a day with an Alcohoilc, I would never want that compulsion in my life.
Though we do have to learn and face the reality of what this disease will bring to us, Alanon usually suggests to wait some time and try the program before you make any important life decisions. I will say if your AH does not arrest his drinking, it only gets progressively worse, not better. Being with an active A, the marriage is never even close to a normal happy relationship.
We spouses of the A have all experienced what your feeling, the resentment, the anger, the abandonment, the lonliness. We have found the friendships and the support and wisdom of Alanon to help us cope while we come to the solutions we need for our life. Everyone's experience is different, what works for one may not work for another, but the program of Alanon does work if you keep coming back. Wishing you strength and hope. Luv, Bettina
Hi TG.....just want to add my welcome to you......glad youre here.
I had lots of expectations , which lead to disappointments, which then = resentments, but I was doing the best I could with what I knew at the time, much to the detriment of my health and serenity!
Dont take it personal, your H is on a tough journey.... good time to start your own ..... keep the focus on you.
Detaching is a real art its takes a great deal of work to keep at it. Many of us in the begining detach in anger. If you have a chance look at the book offer at the top of the page, Getting them Sober. I would highly recommend getting a copy of that.
I've been deeply deeply resentful of many A's in my life, my younger sister, my ex A, people who I currently live with an more. The resentment became an obsession of sorts and absolutely consumed me.
For a long long time my resentment consisted of wondering if I should leave the ex a (I have left him for about 4 years now, one of which I was still enmeshed). I stood on the horizon of that decision for a long time and most of the time I beat myself to the pulp, obsessed and was in a great deal of self pity.
Eventually I did start using the tools of the program. Of course you are angry that he gallivants off with his "new friend". You have every right to be angry and mad. At the same time if you read Getting them Sober you'll hear that having any kind of an expectation of an alcoholic in early sobriety is a double bind. The less you expect the better. Of course when I was first in the program I fumed and raged about that. I felt that he "should" do the right thing and how could someone suggest otherwise!!! . The reality was he never had. He put on a show now and again and threw around the "love" word and acted like he cared some days but the ex A was in a spiral downwards for a long long time. I just didn't want to see it, acknowledge it and come to some acceptance about it. I did eventually but I certainly took the hard road most of the time.
You can come here to this room daily and post and update us and "engage" with others in a very productive way. There is also a chat room here that can serve as a great container for all your feelings. I've learned the hard way that an active alcoholic is not really able to acknowledge and make amends for quite a while. We all want that yesterday.
I'm glad you are here. This is an incredible resource. I would not be without this place for a moment.
Thanks, Maresie! I'll pick that book up tomorrow! In a way I am dreading him coming home, which is not very nice, I know. But I really don't care anymore.
One quick question, everyone, why do they say not to make any big changes for 6-12 months? Just curious.
why wait ?? Once settled in Al-Anon we find our attitude changes we begin to see t hings differently .. a whole different perspective evolves . Your husb if serious about recovery will be changing what seems to be on a daily basis , you never know whos been hiding under all that booze . hehe So work the program as best you can for a few months and see how u feel before making a life altering decission.
-- Edited by abbyal on Friday 11th of June 2010 07:48:36 PM
Your anger and resentment are normal for us who love them , please find Al-Anon meetings for yorself , you need a place a safe place to vent that anger with people who understand exactly how u feel and will help u walk thru this difficult time . I have found it im possible to share t hose feelings with husband with out haveing world war 3 , they will never understand how thier behavior has affected us any more than we will understnd thier compulsion to drink . Al-Anons understand me its just that simple . I was told and alcoholic dosent have a hope in hell going home to n old idea and staying sober , i was also told that I was the old idea ..the alcoholic is not the only one who h as to change we do too , like it or not I had apart in this mess and could not continue doing what I had been doing . with a program of my own to take care of me I learned to stay out of his stuff and mind my own business, not to worry about what he was doing I had no control over that anyway..