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my A (live in for 7 years, due to my not wanting to get married until I feel I can accept alcoholism for the rest of my life or he gets sober) boyfriend has so many many issues that I don't know where the emotional abuse from is childhood blends with the Alcoholism from his childhood and his current alcoholism.
At any rate I suspect what is on my mind now is more about his mental health than it is about alcoholism and I wonder what you think.
He never takes my "side" or defends me in little daily "mishaps" with other people. It's always that I should have done or said something more submissive to the other person, or that I'm being a victum or that I just wasn't cool enough to handle it or I "shouldn't have brought him into it" or "he can't help it if that person and I dont' like eachother'
Over and over he "makes friends with' those few people I have "bad vibes" with. It's odd because he tells me he loves me very often and seems to try to act "romantic" as long as I stay at an arms distance emotionally- he has severe issues with being controlled because his mother literally controls his step father and often he and his sister. It's so direct you would have to see it to believe it.
Most uncomfortable is the "apparent" closeness or buddy buddy with women who are obviously flirting and obviously do not seek out a friendship with me also- now it is nice enough that he does not appear overtly flirty back but just doesn't really 'reject" or let them know they are being inappropriate and the two I am referring to do not apprear to be attractive but very rough around the edges like his Mom. If they were "hot" or classy I don't think he would retern their "friendship" out of respect for me but I'm not so sure.
Odd thing- I really believe he is extreamly lucky to have me for several reasons- in a business/ non "partying" social setting, I have the ability to converse with others and develop business relationships that are often also friendships. Not bragging at all, just happen to feel comfortable doing this. At hard core drinking parties where women are talking about eachother and the men are talking about women other than their wifes I FREEZE!!!!! I really have no idea how to act and feel like crying sometimes, not because I'm sad or offended, but out of frustration of being there and feeling like a fish out of water. Iwonder if he wishes I could be more "rough around the edges" sometime.
His Dad is almost 70 and has somehow hooked up with an unfortunate, poverty stricken, not a US citizen, 21 year old girl. This elderly, 90 pound man takes pictures of her with and carries them around to show people he doesn't even know, The most recent (drunk ) viewer commented in frount of a 7 year old boy " whoo hoo, Pu..y for Pops" When we are with him, it's embarassing and he makes sure to "display her" as his girlfriend when we are all together in person, which we limit as we can. She says she is his health care provider to us but lets him act like this and she knows the deal I'm sure. They spent a weekend at a resort together alone that's where the pictures of her having breakfast in bed and getting out of the whirlpool in a swim suit came from.I"m sure he's not physicallly able to do much so this is really weird.(and now he is talking about leaving his limited earthly things, classic car etc. to her, things he had promised to my ABF). I can't imagine how this makes my boyfriend feel. Although I know for certain he is used to broken promises.We have really been there for his dad since his wifes death. Not to "get " things (I believe he will likely live is last years without any money or a place to live due to his spending) I believe my BF is trying to have some kind of relationship with him before he dies.
Anyway that's the type of emotional weirdness he comes from. When his Mother calls him on the phone it's like a switch clicks and he is "dormate" all day, she called 4 times on my birthday- no doubt she picked that day in particular- and he sat and watched a horse race on TV with her on the phone discussing the program back and forth on the calls, looking up information on the net as she asked etc.- horse races- gosh everything with this family is gambling, drinking, womanizing, fishing camping and peeing in buckets and then throwing the cigarette buts in the bucket and leaving it for everyone to look at. Ugh!
This is my life with a guy who says he loves me and thinks he is a wonderful partner because he doesn't hang out in bars and chase other women and comes home at night and sits on the couch and drinks himself silly. I do appreciate the fact that he is not like his father and is polite to me but I wouldn't call it kind since he does present me as less than valuable to anyone who it will benefit him to do so. Popularity is so very very important to him or not offending strangers, or not letting me "control" him, or all of these.
I have to try to forget it, block his lack of "protective nature toward me" in order to feel loving toward him and for some reason I keep hoping I will discover all this is not exactly so- like I hope I have the wrong perception or he doesn't mean it this way or doesn't realize what he is doing this -- Denial I believe is what this is called at times like this I feel stupid stupid stupid!!!!
Yet since I know I'm not ready to leave and maybe never will want to it seems that letting go of this desire for emotional security is the reasonable choice. I also feel that someday I may determine that I dont' have to understand why he is like he is to make the decision that I deserve more. At this time I feel he has good qualities that make me want to hang in an hope for God to change my view or his or make it all okay as I know he can if this is his will.
oh, by the way I saw him almost start a physical fight with a guy who happened to accidently step in frount of his mother in line. So he does have that protective guy instinct / just not for me. I've seen him punch and "sit on" his sister''s husband to defend her honor. He wants to "help" every panhandler or stranded motorist, unless they appear wealthy and then he just passes them by. Hey people with money run out of gas too?? right?
Anyway do you think this relates to alcoholism or just screams that he could care less about me and can only truely care for family and strangers? and comes from an abusive background?
Gonna leave this on here just in case anyone can identify and/ or wants to read this long and can benefit from this, but I see now it's really too long and this really belonged in a journal.
comment if you have anything to share to "wake me up" or just be patient please if you don't have a comment. Thanks so much.
-- Edited by glad on Friday 11th of June 2010 05:02:08 AM
-- Edited by glad on Friday 11th of June 2010 05:03:46 AM
-- Edited by glad on Friday 11th of June 2010 05:13:34 AM
-- Edited by glad on Friday 11th of June 2010 05:21:37 AM
-- Edited by glad on Friday 11th of June 2010 05:29:20 AM
-- Edited by glad on Friday 11th of June 2010 06:18:22 AM
Wow- your post just brought back memories of how I did not feel the backing of my exHA. We were married nearly 20 years, and, in that time he emotionally supported me less and less. He constantly felt I should back down, become even more submissive as time passed. It was maddening and frustrating.
Also, his choice of people veered increasingly towards the unwholesome. I attribute that to the progression of his addiction and him seeking his own level of comfort. There were times this was horrifying. He just married a woman he met in AA; I do not know her and never met her, but my daughter tells me stories that give me goosebumps.
I do believe it has to do with the control of the disease and how we play into it. The things you describe are one way I allowed my self esteem to become eroded. I am grateful for your reminder of how uncomfortable I was- I tend to forget reasons why I was so unhappy.
It will be interesting to read more shares from others, and, with some people who've had more experience with the program than I. You're not alone.
I can only relate by saying my exA whould throw me under the bus any chance he can and if he was to do something for me I would hear about for a year....while he will protect or do anything for one of his fellow drinking buddies.....
My take on this is that I allowed him (without knowing of course) to control me which he takes full advantage of since he is constantly being controlled by something/someone else?!?!
Perhaps he knows and is comfortable knowing you love him unconditionally but needs *proof* from strangers? Since his parents weren't together maybe he felt like he was the "main man/protecter" of his mother and sister at the same time his mother established this control over him that he knows no better?!?!?
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Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
Hi, Glad - glad you're here. I'm sorry you're having a rough time - I've definitely been there!
I know that for me, when I'm starting to focus on what someone else thinks or says, getting to a f2f meeting or calling my sponsor really helps me get recentered and get the focus back to myself. Many times, my thoughts centered around the alcoholic have gotten out of control and prevented me from being able to do anything except obsess. Going to a meeting for an hour and being in a safe, calm, serene place always makes me feel so much better, even if the effort of getting in the car and driving there is more than I think I can manage. Once I even called my sponsor from the parking lot of the meeting and told her I didn't think I could get out of the car and come in the meeting - I was too worried that my husband was going to drink while I was gone. She got me to come in the meeting, and I was able to not think about him for an hour. It was a nice break.
The truth is, alcoholics that are not working a program are not rational individuals. They say and do things that do not make sense, and it does not matter how much time and effort you spend mulling over the "whys" of it, there will never be logical answers. It's a disease of insanity. That said, you know that fortunately, your recovery does not depend on having answers to all the "whys" with respect to someone else's behavior.
I hope you are feeling better and that you're able to get to a f2f meeting soon. Change the focus from why he acts the way he does back to yourself!
You could spend 100 lifetimes trying to figure out what makes an Addict tick and after awhile who cares. Like White Rabbit said if they are not working a program, they are crazy, not even irrational.
Take all that energy you spend on the addict and invest it in you. Bring the equality in balance, you are just as important as him . Relationships cannot exist without respect and equality. Why do women adjust themselves to dysfunction???
Find and create a life for yourself, even if your still living with the A. That person we marry cannot bring us everything we need and especially one who is M. I. A..
Wishing you strength, courage, wisdom, Luv, Bettina
Glad, your post sure brought back a lot of memories for me, too.
I had the flipside of your problem -- the XABF would say he loved me often, but his actions didn't match those words, so they ended up coming across as empty and hollow.
I've struggled with low self-esteem and insecurity all my life, so I really couldn't figure out if my insecurities were clouding my judgement, or if he really was as emotionally unavailable as I felt he was -- or even playing on my insecurity as a manipulation tactic.
I even considered the possibility that the one thing that would "prove" his feelings for me irrevocably (staying sober) was what I was holding out for in my own insanity.
Somewhere on here is a thread I started about emotional unavailability of A's, trying to make sense of my experiences.
Ultimately, I did accept that the only person I can work on and change is ME, and that Al-Anon is the place to undertake that. I can't go into another relationship until my own head is straightened out.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
