No one else can instruct you on what is right or wrong.  What I've learned in the program is, it's our job to do what is best for us.  Looking at our issues and working closely with a sponsor for new approaches. Glad to hear you are stepping back and taking care of your well being.

Cute, my Mom is mean to me also and she isnt an alcoholic. She has really said some hurtful things to me. Words she can never take back. I know she will be 85 and she is very regretful and bitter about her life . She has not gratitude for her life, my father passed away over 10 years ago and left her quite comfortable, but she talks bad about him too.
Im a very strong person and perhaps I remind her of him. It doesnt really matter, what her issues are, basically she has been an unhappy person all her life and wont take the responsibility.

On a recent trip that we took to Italy she fell and fractured both her arms, talk about being in hell, (for me) lol. I know she was miserable and I did everything for her, I tried to hold my tongue as much as I could. Finally after a tiff, she was taking all her frustrations out on me, she said " Do you want to end this relationship?? I laughed, I told her, Your my Mother, Im your daughter, we are tied eternally, we cant end it, we have to work it out.

I dont know why Im telling you all of this, but on the way home, I was thinking how I was going to handle this relationship for the future and I realized that I had no boundaries with her, Me, and my two brothers are always there for her. When I got home I set those boundaries. That whole situation in Italy showed me that for my own self preservation, I had to do it. You know its worked out so much better and she is treating me much better, but that doesnt matter. I feel better. Take care of yourself first. Luv, Bettina

I've spent my life walking on eggshells around people who lashed out.  Then I've felt totally over responsible for them.  Learning to stop doing that has been a major accomplishment for me.  The work is to do it step by step.  No one is great at it in the beginnings.  I do think you are absolutely doing that.

For me personally if someone is lashing out at me (and I still have them believe me) I don't give them any more ammunition.  My communication doesn't become terse but it becomes pretty minimal because I don't want another backlash.

I've been learning recently about the term "gaslighting" which is a form of manipulation.  A gaslighter will often do a form of emotional apocalypse when they don't get their way. The blow up is often quite quite calculated but the people around them don't see that.  Standing my ground against an emotional apocalypse has been very hard.  I can be very easily triggered.

Another trait of the gaslighter is to take off.  The ex A was incredibly adept at that.  I'd feel so over responsible for him it would send me off into the strastrophere.  He always got what he wanted if he did the take off mode.  He had the mode very very well calculated (although he told some huge lies about where he really was).  I'd always cave in and be compliant after he had disappeared for a while.

I no longer justify myself when someone is doing their apocalypse.  I know the mode now.  I also don't feel responsible for their feelings, their life or their difficulties.  If I give some assistance, support to others I have to really work on thinking out what do I want if I do that.  If there is a huge string attached for me I know I'm going to sink into a quagmire.

I was a very very obvious touch most of my life.  I spent most of it in deep deep fear over others and their emotions.  These days I don't wonder if someone will backlash on me.  They may or may not the issue is I know full well I can survive it.  After I survived the total breakdown and demolition the ex A pulled I am not going to be put off by someone raising their voice or bringing up what they intend to hurt me. 

One of my roommates sent me a really vicious mean nasty text message some months ago.  I chose not to respond beyond don't text me again.  She hasn't since.  The wind was absolutely taken out of her sails because I did not rise up or feel beaten down.  I don't doubt she feels resentment that I didn't do the victim dance with her and I'm quite accepting of that.

Family can be an incredibly difficult issue to deal with.  For me I always gravitated towards people who I could reenact my family with.  I no longer do that.  I am so very grateful for being able to make such a significant change in my life.

maresie.