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Hi all. It's been a while since I first posted, but I had a feeling I would end up coming back. Haven't (yet) made it to a face-to-face meeting, but seriously thinking about it soon.
Anyway, my h is at the bar. I have no idea when he'll be home. It's almost 2am now and he has work in the morning. I'm trying hard to focus on myself and not get involved in making his choices for him. I'm planning to remain calm when he comes home and let him deal with the natural consequences of staying out so late.
Still, I find myself hoping he will not come home stinking drunk, and feeling angry that I'm in this position at all. I hate that he can't seem to just NOT DRINK even though he knows it hurts me. I know it's likely an addiction that's more powerful than any desire to stop, but it still makes me so angry.
I'm trying to figure out what some healthy boundaries would be for me in this situation, without turning them into demands on him or ultimatums. I don't think he's anywhere near the point of turning to recovery himself, so I'm pretty much on my own here.
Of course hes at the bar , he drinks .. its 2 am and your still up and posting here surley u must have better things to do this time of nite like sleep ?? Get to a meeting fast or are u waiting for things to get really bad u need support his drinking has nothing to do with you its not about you,he drinks because he has a problem period . nothing u do will make him stop your simply not that powerful . this only gets worse never better . You have a choice keep suffering because of his behavior or learn to detach and get your life back .
Hi... sorry you're going through this... for what it's worth, I wouldn't worry about boundaries/ultimatums right now.... if you can, go to bed... .THAT is detachment, at it's finest.... You staying up worrying about him isn't helping you OR him right now... Second, and you're on the right track with this - please choose recovery for yourself.... Get yourself to a f2f meeting - tomorrow if possible, and keep going back.... Supplement that by posting and communicating here..... Living with an active A really IS too much for most of us to go it alone - you are among friends here
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Your post takes me right back to those times of waiting to hear the Xah put his key into the door. I would be in bed tossing and turning, worrying, trying to sleep, wondering if he would ever make it home. Wasnt until years later and some Alanon under my belt that I could sleep. Even talking about it brings a lump to my throat. I dont miss it. I feel for you.
Until we can make those tough decisions for our life, we need the program of Alanon and strong spiritual belief that life will get better and our life more manageable and that we wont get torn apart or dragged around by everything the Alcholic does and will do. If its going to make you sick holding it in, then its better to express yourself, and say what you have to say, try and get him at a sober moment and tell him how you feel. You can say what you mean, just dont say it mean.
Yes, and try to make it to a face to face alanon meeting, its good stuff for your life. Please keep coming back and share what you have to share. Were here for you.
I remember those days, not fun. For me it is 8 yrs since we've been together and for the past couple of years now I can go to bed and sleep and let my HP take care of him. I have many other issues I still deal with regaurding my AB and my recovery but I am so thankful I don't stay awake at night waiting for him to come in the house or come home it took a lot of practice to get here though. Keep working at it and it will come. Holly
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
the ex A who I was with for many years did a lot of early hours roving around. He always had some great excuse about it. I worried myself to the point of being sick. I also resented deeply the implications. In al anon we adopt the three C's, we didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we can't control it.
I had to totally immerse myself in this program to be able to start detaching. For what its worth there are people in the chat room here at all hours and you would always generally have someone to talk to about what you're feeling. Distracting myself at the beginning was very very hard.
The ex A drove like an absolute lunatic when drunk (and when he wasn't drunk) he crashed so many cars, got so many tickets I was always in a tailspin about it. There was absolutely nothing I could do about it in the end and while he didn't kill anyone thank goodness he totalled two cars and got into some deep legal problems.
I'm glad you are here and taking care of yourself. I think its great to think about what kind of boundary you want. My own experience of alcoholics is that they aren't too enthusiastic when you start having them so its a good idea to expect that.
I could have said the same thing back years ago for several years. He was always at the bar, I was worried, hoped he would not come home drunk, he came home drunk.
It was horrible and I drove myself crazy. I would be up late, couldn't sleep because of worrying about him. Then I would be so tired the next day and it went on for a long time.
You found a great place here. I know it helped me a lot.
I've only been in alanon a year and a half. And the "what ifs" have faded somewhat. I do tend to wake up now and then til he gets home from drinking. But I don't feel in a panic. I know he will come home. And now he might come home drunk BUT he won't verbally abuse me anymore because I set a boundary and he's abiding by it.
Get yourself to f2f meetings asap as everyone said. Get the literature. I went to 4-5 meetings a week for a year. I couldn't get enough.
like sleep ??
