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My brother's wife is not only hateful and verbally (and on at least one occasion, physically) abusive with him, she is neglectful with the kids. My mother and I have been stepping in to help with the kids but this only means the mother doesn't have to do what she needs to do. But she won't anyway so, if we don't step in, a special needs child ends up several nights a week, sleeping in her own filth, until the father comes home from work to clean up the child.
So we have been taking the child full time but decided to back off for the summer as teh mother has the summer off.
But we can't let that child stay in that situation. But we can't keep on taking the mother's responsibility.
I know it would be wrong to tell my brother to divorce her, although we beleive he should. He knows he will have our full support if he does divorce her. But if he doesn't divorce her, things stay the same.
They have tried counseling. The mother still insists nothing is her own fault and it is all everyone elses fault.
So we feel caught between pushing for him to divorce her, or not. And if he doesn't, between stepping in for the sake of the child, which just allows the mother to do what ever she wants, or not taking the responsibility which results in the child being in a very bad situation when the father is at work.
HELP!!!
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Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
I would take care of the child full-time regardless, obviously she doesn't get that you are teaching her a lesson therefore the child is suffering from it...OR speak with your brother and tell him to step us as a father and demand that his wife take care of her responsibilities..
That is what gets me so angry regarding A's and when it comes down to the kids it all ulitmately falls on them and they didn't ask for it..
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Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
I'm so sorry for the turmoil you are in. I can almost feel it through the monitor. I don't really have any answers for you other than maybe if you and your mother detached from the whole situation, it would force your brother to make some decisions regarding his children and his wife. Enabling prolongs a bad situation and I understand the health and safety of a disabled child may be at stake here. Outside agencies are available for assistance for disabled children/adults. Perhaps they could help your brother with the paperwork.
What exactly is your SIL issue, is she an alcoholic, drug addicted or has a mental issue? she needs to be diagnosed if its a mental issue.
Until your brother decide's what he is going to do regarding the marriage, bottom line there is nothing you can do but try to hep out with the children as much as you can.
Sounds like your brother could use Alanon and is lost as to what to do about the situation. Remember, even if he divorces her, legally she is still the Mother and has rights and will be granted some custody and your brother has to prove she is an unfit Mother, which is difficult at best.
I know its difficult to stand by and see a Mother neglect her children, but your brother is the one that should be deciding to end this situation, he doesnt want the state coming in and removing the children, because he did nothing. Is your brother in denial somehow about how bad the situation has gotten. He's the one you need to speak too.
In any event the children need protection and are priority, glad that they have a Grandmother and Aunt like you to help out when you can.
You don't respond thier relationship is thier business , if he chooses to stay so be it , but the kids on the other hand are a different story . Kids depend on adults to protect them and keep them safe , is bro aware of what is going on with his wife and kids ? If he chooses to not do something about that u have the option of calling Human Resourses ,if your not prepared to look after them on a daily basis .. Tough spot to be in no doubt , your damned if u do and damned if you don't , bottom line Kids come first so do what u have to do to keep them safe . Some one is going to get hurt in this situation and I hope it isnt the child .
He has demanded she step up to the plate. This is nothing new. But he can't make her do anything. She has to choose to be a mother. So he has to choose whether or not to stay with her.
Another wrinkle in the whole deal is that the house the family is living in belongs to my mother. So my SIL is keeping that house filthy (my brother isn't much better but at least he picks up soiled clothing) I was wondering if she should raise the rent to market value and evict her if she doesn't pay her half.
Mom and I (mostly mom) watched the child for 45 hours last week and my SIL blew a gasket when my mom refused to watch her all day Saturday, too.
My SIL is an alcoholic. She has drugs in her past but we don't see any signs she is still using. She is diagnosed with Post Tramatic Stress Disorder from a death of a child 5 years ago but she was this way before the death and is getting worse now, 5 years later. I don't think PTSD is an accurate diagnosis based on every thing that happened and how she was for the first year after the death. But she did go through some intense, delayed greif a couple years ago.
The sad thing is that she was just as neglectful of the child that died. He was also autistic and she had contempt for him. It isn't like she had NO love for him but she held him back at arms length. She didn't want to deal with the "damaged goods." I think she has had to deal with guilt over treating her own child like that just before he died. But she shoved it deep inside and pretends she was a loving mother to him. She was loving to him when he was a baby and toddler and she acts like that loving nature was there up to the time of his death. It was so sad to see him try to climb into her lap and her to push him off.
I think her mental disability is that she was born without any maternal instinct.
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Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
I can promise you that the mother would not want the autistic child. If she got custody, she would ship the child to an institution. But the more likely scenereo is that she would let my brother keep the "damaged" child and never see her except maybe to take her to McDonalds one in a while. She might want custody of the oldest. She is big enough she can ignore her with less guilt. The youngest is 12 and she doesn't seem to have any affection for that child. She mostly ignores her and would not be upset if my brother got her.
My brother has been to ONE AlAnon meeting, bought the book and claimed he would be coming back but never did. I have never seen that book again. I see no evidence he ever reads it. My brother is seriously disfunctional as well. It is actually sad that he is the healthier of the two.
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Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
I talked to my therapist about a situation that is a little bit similar. My ex is supposed to pay child support, do half the parenting of our son, etc etc etc., but he only does what he wants when he wants, which is very little. I said, "I feel like I'm doing all the work for him!" She said, "No, you're doing all the work for your son."
So it's horrible and a tragedy that your SIL can't get her life together and be a responsible mother to her child. But when you help that child out, you're doing it for the child. Not doing it wouldn't make the mother more responsible, sadly, as you know. And it's very hard on you to have to take on so much of the burden. But bless you for doing it.
If we always step in, she won't ever change. So we are backing out for a while. But just for a while. She goes on vacation in 2 1/2 weeks. and she is going without her kids. So she will be truly without responsibilities for that week.
My mother and I will re-evaluate what to do after she gets back. I just can't stand the idea of leaving the child in that situation but I can't stand the idea of letting the mother live in that house virtually rent free and without living up to any responsibilities. Legally, my mother could evict her but that seems pretty radical, too. And calling CPS is pretty extreme.
It is clearly a tough situation.
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Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
Sad. If you always step in, she may never change. But if you don't step in, she also may never change. I agree with the previous poster that said damned if you do, damned if you don't. In my opinion, it would be wise to base what you do on helping the child and not on what actions you can take that will force your SIL to change. I think you kind of have to make decisions based upon the assumption that she will not change. What a very troubling and sad situation - I will pray for your family.
There should be some kind of children's advocacy group close to where you are that may be able to step in and help, or maybe provide some counseling for your family. Please let me know if you would like me to help you look for one - it is no trouble.
The title to the whole post is about someone staying in a bad relationship. That would be my brother. His wife has been like this to some degree or another for the whole of their 16 years of marriage. She was like this before they had an autistic child and long before one of their children died. In fact there was some improvement after the death of their only child because she started to actually appreciate her children. But that improvement has faded away and it continues to get worse and worse.
Honestly, I think we are withdrawing (temporarily) from helping right now because we want my brother to see things honestly without our intervention. He has made threats of divorce before but he always loses his nerve.
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Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
This sounds very similar to the situation that I am in and here are a couple of points that have helped me.
- My parents and my sister help me out with the kids (they are 13 and 11). Got a call from CPS 2 years ago about a report that my AW drove in the car with the kids while she was drunk. Wake up call for me and when I told my family what happened, they were willing to help me and the kids, but the two cavets were that I need to ask them for the help and if they had anything major (work, vacations, etc.) they do not reschedule. That was their boundries and I grateful for that and for any help my family can give. - Here is hoping and praying that your brother makes a decision about divorce. If he stays with the marriage, that's OK. If he gets a divorce, that's OK. All of that is his decision. I had been back and forth on divorce for about 6 months, but a few alanon meeting here and there and a couple of pointed questions from counselors and now the divorce is just in the middle of paperwork and expects to be final in a couple of months.
