I feel for you.  I, too, struggled with determining when was the best time to tell him.  (I left my AH after 36 years of marriage. I've left twice over the past 3 years.)   The first separation I had to tell my AH the day I was moving into an apartment because he was at a point of perhaps getting violent.  The second separation, I told him over the phone that it was best that he didn't come back home - ever.  He'd left in a rage two days prior.  He never did come back home.

My basic reason for replying is to assure you that you aren't  a "terrible" person for thinking your thoughts.  They are quite natural.  If you were a terrible person, you might say something like, "Screw him!"  and go on your merry way.

Our divorce is almost final.  I had concerns about what IF he really begins a recovery program in the middle of the divorce process??????  Well, my response to my own question was this:  I have had a rocky marriage due to his alcoholism.  IF he decides to truly begin to help himself, I will be supportive, BUT living separately.  I can still be there - be his friend - but I know the reality of relapses.  I just won't do it amymore.  But it's a personal choice.

You appear to be a loving, considerate soul.  I believe if you trust your gut, you can't go wrong.  I've followed my gut for the last year and have been relatively happier than I've ever been.

I know all to well what it feels to be on a "sinking ship."  I choice to walk off that ship with love in my heart for my AH and me.

You're fortunate to have support!  Take care, Gail

You are not going to find much advice here, as we all know that the final decision is yours.  All we can do is give you our Experience, Strength, & Hope.  What it was like for us.

I will say this, sounds like you have some time to decide these things.  The option to do nothing for now and work on yourself is there.  Then the answers may come without hesitation.

For me, I found making healthier decisions for myself was easier after I started working on myself.  I worked the steps and found a place hidden away inside of me that had the answers.  It was buried with guilt, shame, confusion, hurt, and the need to put others before myself.  The largest peace holding me back was my overwhelming need to be loved - regardless of what that looked like.  All someone had to do was say they loved me and I would grab onto that with both hands and convince myself that it was love, whatever they did, it was love - no matter how much it hurt me. 

When I found this place inside myself, I found true love.  I found what it means to have someone take care of me and not just pretend, hurt, manipulate, and use - all in the name of love.  Once I felt that I knew I no longer needed to tolerate anyone else not doing so.  I don't have to accept any warped versions of love.  It made the decisions easier.  I still struggle with the execution of these decisions - communication is difficult for me - but at least the decisions were easier.

Here is something I have experienced.  I recently got back together with my exA.  Honeymoon period, everything is wonderful, I am pushing to spend time with him at the expense of time and focus on my life.  But it was fun and worth it.  Then the honeymoon was over.  I even said flat out, honeymoon is over.  I need to get back to my life.  Here is the schedule I can give you to spend time together.  Now, that sounds strange, but he lives a distance away and I work more than full time, raising a kid who is about to graduate etc.  I could only leave that and come to him on a schedule.  (he is not yet welcome in my house for many reasons from our past - the boundary and resolution is therapy)   Ok, that is good with him.  Then it is not enough.  He wants more.  I miss a scheduled visit due to a business trip, but come over the very next weekend, after just being away from my kid for 5 days.  I am dealing my daugther's graduation, business trip, and buying my first house - all in a 30 day period.  He is NOT happy, he keeps telling me he is not happy.  I am not there enough.  This isn't a relationship.  He needs more.  Where did I go?  I sit.  I watch.  The distance in my heart grows.  Instead of supporting me, realizing how much I have to do, how stressful it is, he is upset because he is not currently my primary focus.  I see that I am not loved, supported, and accepted for who I am.  I just do what I have to and give him what I can.  I tell him his actions upset me, I am extremely busy, and I need his support instead of demands for more.  He starts spinning out of control, obsessing, snooping . . . and I jump off the merry go round.  I knew it was coming.  I hoped it wouldn't.  I hoped he would get it, take care of himself, and accept me for who I am and what I am doing.   I could have communicated it earlier and told him what I needed him to do - but I didn't want to influence him.  I told him what actions towards me I didn't like, but I did not tell him what he needed to change in himself to save this relationship.  I can not be his source of happiness.  I can not make him whole.  If he is not whole I don't want to be with him.  I wanted him to be exactly who he was so I could see if this is who I wanted to spend time with.  I didn't struggle with "what if" he changes or "when is it going to be too much".  I knew the answers would come.  He would either step up or I would give up.  It ended up being option #2 and when it was time I knew it.  I was listening to him complain once again that I was not giving enough, I hadn't called in 8 hours, we were arguing, while my daughter was asking for help picking out her dress for graduation.  I was doing that and MISSING this ONE opportunity - a LOVELY opportunity.  That was it, I was done.  I was brutally honest about how I felt and that is was over, probably too much on the "brutally" honest part, but I didn't call him names or anything . . . just told the cold, hard truth.  What I got in return was false accusations of cheating, lying, and threats to smear my name and ruin my career.  I actually found them humorous, I was not angry about them, all I could think was "poor guy".  I wish him well . . . from over here.

Before Al-Anon I would have taken his unhappiness on as my own.  I would have tried harder and harder to make him happy at my expense and gotten nowhere.  I would have made myself miserable because he was miserable.  I would have stressed about the past and the future, pondered all the outcomes, made up fantasies and clung onto them - my dream world, my dream relationship.  The biggest thing is . . . I would have believed him.  I would have believed that I was wrong because he said so.  Actually let's change all those "I would haves" to "I did", I DID all those things with him before.  This time I just stayed in today.  I just did the next right thing.  I let things play out and made decisions based on reality and what was right in front of me and right FOR ME.  I let him choose to be unhappy and did not take it on myself.   I could not fix him, had no desire to change him, just sat and got to know him again and found that he just wasn't a fit for me.

I am SO glad I did this, took another chance with him.  I am happy with the time we spent together, we had some fun, and happy about how it turned out.  It just is what it is.  I am not viewing it as a failure or that I AM a failure.  I learned a LOT from it .  It is reality.  I am happy, have been happy, and worked hard everyday to do the right thing.  There are no regrets in that.

I hope you find the answers you need.  You have some time to work on those decision making skills and Al-Anon is a wonderful resource with a GREAT group of folks to help you.  You will find what you need within (yourself and Al-Anon).

Tricia

I am assuming that your not attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself , perhaps before making a life altering decission u could find a few meetings in a couple of months u may feel diferently , there is alot of time between now and Sept .. it only takes one person to change to create change .. u cant wait for him to quit to make a decission ... a different perspective of what is going on and a better understanding of this disease will  help ..
with or with out him your life has been affected by someones drinking and you too need to recover , hope u will find meetings for yourself soon .