The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to this site and have been reading some of your emails. Gosh it's sooo good to know that I'm not on my own.
I've known my partner for 7 years now, with a break of 2 when I filed for a non-molestation order. I couldn't do the emotional roller coaster of living with an abusive, selfish, ungrateful,dis-respectful, uncaring, lying alcoholic.
Anyways we were tied in as we had a house to sell, and due to the recession I couldn't get it sold. So anyways I tried to buy him out and he played games all the way. Moved solicitors and did everything so that I couldn't buy him out of our house and have closure. We broke up in Jan 2008.
In January 2010 he walked back into my life. Literally through the front door and said hello. He looked awful. About 9 stone. All his hair shaved off. And drunk. Told me he was through re-hab twice, and that he still loves me. He knows he messed up and was sorry. I'm a nurse and felt so sorry for the state he was in. My heart went out to him and looking back he probably played on it. You see the thing is, underneath it all I think I still loved him.
Anyways I was in a relationship with a lovely fella, when he came back. I didn't love this fella but he treated me the way I should be treated. A told me that he would do his best to get off the drink and that I was his goal. I finished with the nice fella and took him back. I believed him. That was in Jan 2010. I haven't let him move back into the house but I've taken on the role of caring for him. He has asked to go into re-hab again but he has messed them about on both occassions that they put him at the back of the list. So he got Librium and did it himself. He went off the drink for a week initially and was doing well. Then he said that he could control his drinking. He was having a couple and leaving it etc. I believe he was sneaking drink, but he wont admit it. Last weekend he drunk 3 nights in a row. I spoke with him re it and the old role of me nagging him and making him drink came back. This week he started an arguement and went on the drink. Again I've gave him a whole lot of time/effort/caring and empathy and I'm once again the demon and everything is my fault.
Just yesterday he thought he could move back in here, to which I said NO! And he blamed me for holding all the cards etc. I just want control of my life, and have a peaceful one. But I'm drawn into the web of can't do right for doing wrong.
We could love and care the A to death and thats what would happen, if you dont come to believe that the best solution is hands off.
Love has nothing to do with anything, when interacting with the alcoholic. I know your a nurse and compassionate. Nothing wrong with giving them a meal, a hot shower and now on your way. Im so glad you have stuck to your boundaries and didnt let him move back in.
I have been apart from the xah for almost two years, and we also have a property to dissolve and I am on his cobra and I dont turn 65 until March and you cant be divorced. Not yet anyway, but he is in his own apartment and sober, you know I always wanted my way, for us to be together and for him to be sober. After all I invested 26 years. Well, it took me to really get out of his way and separate have no communication with him, he really hit the dregs, but today he is sober, we are friends, but I cannot and he found out thru his sobriety, live together.
Please study the first step in Alanon: We are powerless over the alcoholic and our lives had become unmanageable. Until you really understand and live this step, you will continue to waffle. Stick with the program and try to attend a face to face alanon meeting. Really work on understanding that this is a cunning disease for all concerned. Read all the material you can get your hands on. Addiction is a killer. Wishing you strength and courage and wisdom, Luv , Bettina
My whole life I have always been willing to help anyone who was willing to help themselves. I have compassion for others and will go out of my way to help a friend or love one. It was the way I was raised. But when alcoholism is involved the program taught me there is a difference between helping and enabling. I still have compassion, also understanding and acceptance for the disease. But this disease will lie to you, play on your emotions, and blame you for mistakes it makes. I understand where your coming from because I have been where you are. If we catch them when they fall the cycle will only continue over and over again. By catching them we never allow them suffer the consequences of their own choices, and we are actually hurting them more than we are helping by not allowing them to find their bottom. Sometimes the best thing we can do for the alcoholic in our life is absolutely nothing. We can't protect them from themselves. They have to find their own way in their own time without any interference from us.
I believe the best way we can show love to the alcoholic in our life is to turn them over to our Higher Power. I did that 18 months ago and not once have I taken her back from HP. She is in the best hands she could be in, and I have time to take care of myself first. That's what the program told me to do.
Glad you are here...keep coming back...and guess what ?...your not alone anymore !!
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Friday 4th of June 2010 05:46:51 PM
Haven't been online so sorry re the late answer. You are right, and guess what I knew what you were going to say. Almost a week has gone past and I'm getting stronger. He is still on the booze but I'm giving him the brick wall. I do intend to read the 12 steps and attend an al-anon meeting thats for definate. Many thanks again. Will try my best no doubt I will be back on). This site is a great help to me.Best wishes Anne x
I answered Bettina earlier, and now yourself. I've been giving him the brick wall, and as I said to Bettina, 6 days have passed and I'm getting stronger. He lives for the crisis. He is drunk all the time. He hasn't eaten, and No! I haven't been making him dinners. Infact I wont speak with him or take his calls while he is drinking. I'm handing it over like you said and going to stick with it. And at present I'm taking solace in the peaceful lifestyle.
Again I've gave him a whole lot of time/effort/caring and empathy and I'm once again the demon and everything is my fault. 
This site is a great help to me.Best wishes Anne x