The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Im scared and lonely. In alot of ways I think that my "A" has become my addiction. I would call constantly to make sure he was ok. I saw a post on here where someone said you cant " love it out of them ". Thats exactly what I have tried to do over the years, that and " Yell it out of him " lol. My husband just entered rehab yesterday and its so strange. The phones not ringing and I cant call to check on him. I am going to take this time to learn more about al anon and their support groups b/c I want to be healthy when he comes home. I have spent just about every second crying b/c I miss him. It has become such a part of my life that Im lost now. I dont have a life outside of it so I dont know what to do. I never expected to feel that way. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
Hello...Welcome!! The best advice i can give you is to learn about the disease because it will help you understand so much and answer so many of your questions. Coming here for me has been a great help. I just finished reading the book "getting them sober" and that too gave me a lot of insight. It's hard to understand and you will probably have some setbacks as you go along but you gotta just pick yourself back up and continue. Doing a lot of reading here has also helped me...just hearing others story. They say here the f2f meetings are the best way to go...but i haven't managed to get to one yet. I see a counselor once a week, come here, and do a lot of reading. Try and take care of yourself and take advantage of this time...knowing he is safe and getting help....to get to know you. Hopefully you will find some peace here and keep coming back!
I know exactly what you are feeling and going thru. My A bf is currently in treatment and it's goin on 120 days. When we first started dating I didn't think he had a problem w drinking since he only went out once or twice a week. I would go with him but then it started causing problems since I wasn't a big drinker and couldn't "keep up". Plus I had a pretty busy life with work and school and didn't have the free time. Anyways I eventually seen he had a problem when I stopped going out with him.
When we started dating he was and still is fighting multiple DUI's and was given the option of treatment instead of jail time. He took it intially cause he didn't want to go to jail and secondly he was starting to think he might have a problem cause he was bing drinking everytime he went out. The night before he was to leave he went out for his last big bang with his "friends". To make it short I ended up at the bar after I got off work to get him and he was hammered and with another girl. I ended up going home after some fighting & cops being called and him leaving with the other girl and some other friends.
He didn't come home until I was walking out the door for work the next morning after some yelling at him and him telling me I deserve better, my reply to him on that was then give me better. Mind you he was to leave for rehab that day, he did end up going a few hours later all hung over and probably still a bit drunk. He left on horrible terms and I cryed to much that day and night since I knew we wouldn't talk for a week.
That night he was allowed to call me and apologized for his behavior and said he had no excuse it was wrong of him. He told me that he promises to get better and make it up to me. I felt so alone and betrayed and had friends to talk to but didn't want them to see me so weak. I eventually started sharing and was told how strong I really was and to start taking care of me.
It's very hard and even after 3 months I find myself crying over the hurt and pain I feel from the past using. I'm actually crying as I write this, its a struggle for sure. We are working through this as a couple and talk everyday but only see each other on the weekends. I have learned that his sobriety comes first no matter what cause if he dont have that he dont have me. I also have learned that you have to also have a program and change thru Al anon. He will be a different person sober and you should be too and you both will have to learn all over how to get along again. Not easy at all but if you truly love this man and yourself you can do it.
We don't offer advive only our experience, strength, and hope. Many of us have been where you are. From your post it is obvious you have been putting all the fouus on the alcoholic in your life. He is in rehab getting the help he needs. It's a great time for you to put the focus on yourself and start taking care of yourself first. If you don't how can you take care of your three children?
The most important thing you can do for yourself is get involved in the program and start attending f2f Al-Anon meetings.This board is great but nothing replaces f2f meetings. Think about it, the disease has consumed every aspect your life, made your life crazy and unmanageable. Go to as many meeting as you can. Hang around after the meeting and talk to members who can share some of their ES&H with you. Members are more than willing to give back to you what the program has given them. This program is proven and it works if you work it.
I could have thought of a thousand reasons not to attend my first f2f meeting, and I can tell you a million reasons why I'm glad I did. I can honestly say Al-Anon changed my life for the better. I found a new family who cared and understood as perhaps no one else could. I was not alone anymore. My life got better. MIP is great with members with tons of ES&H to offer and I consider it a huge part of my program, but nothing can replace f2f meetings.
When your A returns from rehab you will be faced with a different set of circumstance. He will be working his program and his soberity. Now is the time for you to put the focus on yourself and your program.
Keep coming back...start your recovery...your not alone anymore.
(((jessica))) welcome, your sure in the right place :) We get so focused on the Alcholic that we lose ourselves....here u will find you...we have great meetings on line please check them out if u have time. If love cured addictions there wouldnt be any alcholics or addicts Glad you found us :) and please keep coming back :) blessings
Welcome Jessica, you are among friends! Alcohol became such an influence in my life that all I thought about was her drinking and how it was affecting "us". Finding AlAnon when I did was such a godsend because I learned that by focusing on her drinking, I lost the focus on myself.
My program, the MIP board, and face to face meetings all combined to break the insanity within my life and learn how to care for and love myself. Really for the first time ever! I learned how to recognize the old patterns and found new ways to deal with her alcoholism. See, for me, I learned how to focus on her behaviors instead of her drinking. Once I saw how her actions were affecting me and my children, my path became clear.
What a great opportunity you have to focus on you while he is rehab. Learn as much as you can about this viscious disease. Discover what your role is within your relationship. No one can tell you what to do. You will find within yourself what you need to do. Good luck in rediscovering yourself. ((((((((Jessica))))))))
Thanks to everyone for their kind words and encouragement. I am def going to focus on my recovery as well. I know that I love him more than myself right now and I would at least like to even the playing feild out and love him as much as myself. All your comments have hit home and Im going to try to pull my head out of the sand. Ive become so accustomed to living alone without friends and relationships that its hard to let people in. So many of my family and friends have told me " leave " or that " Im stupid " ..... its nice to find a group that understands and doesnt judge. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words. God Bless you all
I am a Newbie as well. You are not alone. In fact that is why I am making my first post - piggy back onto your post.
My husband just went to rehab on three days ago and I have three young children as well. I can completely relate to the feeling of being lost.
I plan to educate myself and would love to keep tabs on you and your progress. I believe I am just finding comfort that I am not alone...scared...and somewhat hesistant relief.
