The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I find myself not being able to stay in the moment. I keep waiting for things to change before I can be happy. I know that goes against all the teachings of Alanon. I cannot give up the "what ifs". What if he never gets sober? What if he never moves away from me? What if he doesn't pay his child support? I can literally drive myself crazy with it. Yesterday I am pretty sure he was sober. He stayed over at his place. I just could not get on with my daily living. Sometimes I am paralyzed with fear of the "what ifs". I know that he shouldn't be living so close to me. I have stopped asking him most things about his life. I think I am just waiting for the time when I have had enough, my bottom so to speak. I no longer give him ultimatums. I am just waiting until something tells me to say what I mean and mean what I say. I am hoping my HP will tell me when it is time. Sometimes I think I want to move out. My husband and I have been growing apart for a long time. It possibly has some to do with A son living there but not all. It began before my son moved in next to us.
For now I will just wait. No ultimatums, no decisions. I will just try to get on with my own life as best I can. I don't have to do anything today.
I think all of us here at Alanon have been "waiting for happiness" in some form or other. I have learned that this life is the only one I have and I am not waiting any longer. "What if he never gets sober?" That is his problem... "What if he never moves away from you?" Does it really matter? It's a big world out there... It can only bother you, if you let it.
Get to an Alanon meeting and put the focus back on you. I am in the process of taking my life back and it feels pretty darn good. It will for you too.
Peace to you.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hi Gail..........Yep, Ive played the waiting game with all its what ifs. My recovery only began when my son moved out . We became a completely dysfunctional family, his disease was in control. I tried for years to work my way round it in the home, which is also our workplace, but alcoholism is insidious and it was killing us all....it dominated every waking moment and I literally didnt sleep for months. Everything was beginning to unravel.
I had to reach my bottom before I told him I was choosing recovery and if he wanted to drink, bringing chaos, anxiety and all the rest of it into our home he would have to leave.......All I knew at that time is that I wanted to survive. For the 1st time I was considering my own mortality! He had been told to leave many times before but we always took him back, as he knew we would, because he knew our fear of anything happening to him would be in control and he fed of that. This time was different, I told him to go with no fear in my heart, I just knew I was finished with it....it was time.......and he knew, this time, was different.
I took myself to f2f meetings and its with the support I get there, and here, my recovery is ongoing. I feel like some-days reaching out and taking it all back but then something will happen or someone will say something, or Ill read something here and Im reminded why I cant step back into the insanity.
I have a good relationship, if you can call it that, with my son. I havent seen him for months and I dont want to while hes drinking. Im happy to be free of the mess of it all. I know hes in a safe place and thats enough. Everything else he does is none of my business he has his own choices to make......good or bad.
Boundaries are in place, he knows why and also why they will remain in place, if nothing changes.
If it's any consolation Gailey - I've been divorced for six years from my ex-AW now, and to some extent, I'm still doing that.... Can't quite get my act together relationship-wise, or living arrangement-wise, or career-wise.... I think I'm doing well in my primary role as a Dad, but everything else still seems somewhat "on hold", waiting for something to change.....
Definitely frustrating, and definitely somewhere/someone I never thought I would become....
All we can do is be honest with ourselves, and keep moving forward, one step at a time
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
must be in the air - been fighting off a horrid battle with them lately ~ had to remind myself of all the things my God has gotten me thru in the past 45 yrs of my life and it helped take the power out of the "what if's " I was facing
Remember no matter what YOU & YOUR GOD are going to be OK - even better than OK - in fact YOU ARE OK exactly where you are RIGHT NOW!!!!
HUGS, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Gailey I can so relate. My partner is fighting the disease, he is sober tehn slips. I do not focus on the positives he is no longer in denial. He is in AA, has a sponsor.
NO I focus on the negative what if he keeps slipping and goes backwards. what if he never beats it. will he ever be able to stick a job be reliable and sensible. I keep my life on hold waiting. I will be happy when it is all my way.
I have been low because he drank one can of beer. But you know what they say the only way is up. Today i feel like I am getting back on programme. I can not change this I am powerless. So I am beginning to focus on me my life and do you know what i have so much to be grateful for. It like when I used to get my school grades if I got 6 A's and one D I would focus on the D.
Trying to keep positive, gratitude is a good place to start for me.
I think we've all been there and is hard to separate hope and fantasy. I have hope my husband will get better, but sometimes that hope turns into this fantasy of a life that may never happen. And we get paralyzed with fear,as you say, because we don't want to move on without them, just in case they do get better. My counselor told me, that we have to keep going, and is the A's job to keep up with us. Keep moving, going forward, despite fear.
((Hugs))
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
I can empathize a great deal. I know in the paralysis as long as I was working an al anon program great change was manifesting in me inside. Grief, anger, rage and disappointment were huge for me. I could not hurry them along.
In my program I find the miracles happen unawares but nevertheless the program is one of rigorous work and constant vigilance. I don't think my life is easy or cumfy by any means it is my entire attitude that has changed.
