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Hi Everyone, I have not possed for abit been reading posts though. My ABf went into Aa a year ago. He was sober for 6 months he has been slipping on off for past 6 months always goes back to AA. A month ago had a bad slip for 3 weeks. Lost his best friend stole 15,00 from him. His kids turned their backs and I let him get on with it and face all the consequences. He was on his knees. He went crawling back to AA with wounded pride. He has took himself away to a smelly bare flat to sort himself out. SAys he needs to be independent fight this disease turn into man he wants to be. He chased and I began to talk to him again, he begged for understanding patience he will get there. He told me he had hit his last rock bottom and cud not do it anymore them bang. He is trying so hard. I was sick and he came down to help my 14 year old duaghter was being naughty it was stressful. He went back the flat. Next day his sponsor rang and said ABF had let him in the flat he had 8 can beer he had drank one. He told sponsor he doesnt want to drink anymore and that he hated himself for being weak and buying it. It like he can not run to drink no more he doesnt get the same escape. His sponsor said its a head full of AA and a belly full of beer do not go.
right enough about him its me I have to focus on. I know he is doing his best. I know he has come so so far in the past 12 months and all I can concentrate on is the fact that he must not of hit his rock bottom or had enough pain because if he had he would never go near alcohol again. I am consumed with anger, I have no patience left. Its like every time he slips I slip with him. I know he is sick. BUT I CAN NOT SEEM TO ACCEPT IT> I hate this illness. I love this man. But I have to acccept if I have him in y life he is like another child. He is not responsible, reliable a partner he is ill. So I think Oh right I will leave I can not live with this then the guilt hits.
I do not know why I have posted, its just full of poor me's and resentment. I will go and read some al anon literature. It just seems like its three steps forward and two back and life just passes you by. I am attending lots of meetings, reading everyday, coming on here, I am not ringing sponsor because she left her A an sometimes \i feel she is not very understanding as her A never got sober maybe this is the prob maybe I need to find a new one. She has made comments that make me believe there is no hope. I know he will never get better. But when I go to conventions there are some Ex A's who seem really happy and healthy. Can a A ever be truly better and responsible ?
soz
-- Edited by Tracy on Tuesday 1st of June 2010 04:46:43 PM
Nice to see you posting again. I'm sorry it's been hard on you. This is what this disease is. Would that we could make it go away with the blink of an eye. But this is life on life's terms. That's the reality.
Step 1 always jolts me back to reality. I find myself rereading it all the time. Lots of time it has nothing to do with addiction. I substitute the word alcohol w/work, specific people or whatever is driving me crazy. What makes it works are those little words: "that our lives had become unmanageable."
I don't want my life to be unmanageable! I want my life back. So I have to remind myself what I want from my life. Recovery is about taking back my life and living the life I deserve. That's how I keep my eye on the prize. It's hard. It was hard when my Tim was alive. But I have to take care of me.
Perhaps you posted just to vent. Perhaps there's a little voice saying "Come here, we're here for you." Whatever the reason, remember your recovery is about you and for you. Concentrate on that and all will be well. Please don't be a stranger. We've missed you. Much love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
(((Tracy))) I can feel your pain and it so saddens me. I just wanted to comment on your last remarks. Yes, there are A's that recover just fine. My AH has a sponsor that has been sober for 25 years. Also, remember, if there is life; there IS hope.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain...
thanks for sharing tracy, glad you are here. i dont like my reality either. i woke up at 2am last night, AWAKE and aggravated to be awake. so i wrote. i wrote a nastygram to 'god' (the 'god' ive always felt punishes and humiliates me) and told it to f off. i dont like that god, i dont want that god. life is infurating and most times i don't even want to participate. feels good to admit it though, to let it loose instead of letting it fester and rot my insides.
and i have no experience with anybody recovering, i wonder the same thing myself. i hope i can recover though.
Thanks for all your shares I feel so much better today for letting it all out and reading reading and praying.
I know that sometimes I have to watch people I love suffer as that is the only way that they will lear the lesso. I too have to suffer to learn my lessons.
which are: I am powerless no matter how much I love someone My life is suffering this is what I need to focus on God is learning me these lessons for my good once I come through this I will never give up my soul for another again.
I love my A but its his battle. I feel so much better when I focus on the things I can change,
I think the kind of hope I had with the ex A was a malignant hope. My "hope" colored everything. I kept on looking for the miracle.
The journey back for many A's is a lot of stumbles. The ex A did not get sober. In his drinking and using there were many plateaus where he "functioned" for a while. I kept looking for him to return to a plateau and held out for that with my life. He didn't because his disease was in a spiral.
I do not know if you have Getting them Sober. I don't know of a better resource to look at expectations. Mine were always way off. The thing about the way Toby Rice Drew writes is that it isn't a disappointment. She weighs the choices carefully and respectfully and cut through my fear obligation and guilt.
