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Just found out from a trusted mutual friend that my A has been drinking = ( Mind you he brags to me how he hasn't had a drink in 42 days, which in his eyes means, "the program isn't for him, he can do it on his own"....
I can't say I'm surprised but it still hurts none the less...
This diease really has a way of making you feel worthless...
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Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
This is why I don't ask my A. I don't want to hear his lies. I figure I'll know when he's really sober when I start hearing him talk the talk and walk the walk (AA). No matter, I've got enough going on just focusing on me. ((Hopeless))
You don't need to feel worthless - you didn't make him drink, you can't stop him from drinking, and you can't make him be honest either. If he chooses to drink, it is his decision and not one that you need to take on the consequences for. Leave him with the consequences of the decisions he has made for himself, and realize that you have choices for yourself that do not depend upon him! :)
I'm right there with you. I stopped asking my A about his drinking and really about anything about a month ago because I was sick of the lies. Isn't it crappy that even when you know they're not working the program and there's a chance they're drinking, that when you find out the truth it still hurts as much as it does? I never get used to that pain when I find out the truth.
For me, thinking about my Plan B has been pretty helpful. There comes a time when you need to choose between the A and your own sanity and I'm closely approaching that time. Thinking about what I will do if (or most likely when) I leave has helped me distance myself from him and his own delusions, and it has helped me feel more in control over my own future and happiness. I think, "It doesn't matter what he's doing. Here's what I'M doing to help MYself."
You're not worthless, none of us are. I think we all deserves gold stars for being as compassionate for our A's as we've been. But when is enough enough? Take control of your own life and let him find his way on his own time and terms. It's the only way to salvage your esteem and sanity.
I'm just feeling like I'm at a stand still in regards to my daughter.. I drop her off and pick her up so I know if he has been drinking or not (haven't had a problem their).. Now that his drinking been confirmed my mind is all over the place on whether or not I should allow him to see her?
I want to make the best decision for all involved but I need to protect my daughter!
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Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
Hopeless, I understand you being concerned about your Daughters safety. Legally I dont think you can stop him seeing her unless its done thru the courts or a lawyer. Every state is different.
What I dont understand is you being hurt because you found out he is drinking. You have to work on accepting that the possibility of him drinking again is the reality. He is an A. The percentage of sober A's is not that high.
Don't waste your time and energy in trying to get an A to do what he should be doing for himself. Also, dont worry about things that havent or probably wont happen.
One day at a time , why is your screen name hopeless?? Sounds to me like your investing a lot of time and energy on the A and not yourself. Why isnt your screen name Hopeful, for youself and your children . Your too young to be hopeless. You have a lot of years and happiness ahead of you. I always say put the blinders on and stay in your own lane and dont worry about what the A is doing or not doing. Keep to the program and your HP. Wishing you strength and courage and Hope. Luv, Bettina
I think it will eventually hurt less when you begin to be able to examine your feelings - ask yourself WHY it hurts, and try to get to the bottom of what is really upsetting you. Are you really hurt because he's drinking and that is not what you want him to do?
For me, it took a while to get to the bottom of the hurt feelings. I had a million justifications to myself of why I was hurt - because he lied to me, because he wasn't acting like I thought a good father should, because he was hurting himself, etc. It took me a long time to understand that his actions are HIS, and to consciously redirect my thoughts when the hurt feelings began to take over. Eventually I realized that he can't hurt my feelings unless I let him. And more importantly, his actions are not a reflection of me or anything I need to take personally. He drinks because he is an A and As drink. He lies because he is an A and lying is part of alcoholism. He doesn't act like a good father because he just doesn't. But no amount of hurt feelings on my part has ever or will ever change any of it. The only thing I get out of being hurt is hurt. I had to decide to take my power back.
Blessings, Hopeless - just my ESH. Take what you like and leave the rest. :)
Deana, Keep the focus on you.....your eyes on you. Whever I start to get involved with what the ex may or may not be doing I remind myself none of my business.
I too have kids with my ex and I stuggled with what to do about visitation. When I was going through the divorce I was blessed to have to meet with a woman who helped me with the verbage of my parenting plan.
Pray, meditate and examine your motives. As a parent you must keep your kids safe. You're not alone and you're a smart cookie.....you'll figure it out.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
This disease has a way of making u feel worthless ??? why does his disease make YOU feel worthless . there is nothing u can do about him and taking on the shame and guilt of his problem wont help u one bit .. except keep u a victim . Make a commitment to yourself to recover and to not let t his disease have any more of your life . enough is enough .
I don't understand why I'm getting asked "why do you feel worthless"... I'm sure each and every one of you has felt this way in regards to the A's in your life... This is the beginning stages for me I don't understand why he chooses drinking over his family I"m getting it and working it but it's still hard to process!
Some days are better then others for me my heart breaks because of my daughter I honestly feel if I had no connection with him it would be a lot easier for me to walk away...
You are all right I need to focus on ME I get that and I'm trying my hardest to focus on that...
-- Edited by Hopeless on Wednesday 2nd of June 2010 08:23:49 AM
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Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
No doubt I've felt that way. I felt for a long time that my exAH chose alcohol over me and my son. It just takes time to understand and truly believe that alcoholism is a disease, not a choice. Alcoholics drink because they are sick. When I began to equate alcoholism with cancer, it helped me to understand a little easier. We don't think of cancer patients as choosing to be sick over choosing to be healthy. They're sick because they were unfortunately stricken with a disease. Same thing with alcoholics. I truly believe that nobody would choose the chaos and insanity of alcoholism if they had a choice.
Having compassion is hard, particularly when the alcoholic does crappy stuff when he or she is drinking. The family members of alcoholics go through it sober - we don't numb the feelings or have blackouts and forget. The more those affected by alcoholism are able to practice detachment, and remind themselves that alcoholics do what they do because they are unhappy with themselves and not because they are rationally choosing alcohol over other things, the easier the detachment gets.
Hang in there - I certainly wasn't trying to offend you by asking why you felt worthless.
No doubt I've felt that way. I felt for a long time that my exAH chose alcohol over me and my son. It just takes time to understand and truly believe that alcoholism is a disease, not a choice. Alcoholics drink because they are sick. When I began to equate alcoholism with cancer, it helped me to understand a little easier. We don't think of cancer patients as choosing to be sick over choosing to be healthy. They're sick because they were unfortunately stricken with a disease. Same thing with alcoholics. I truly believe that nobody would choose the chaos and insanity of alcoholism if they had a choice.
It is a choice they can choose NOT to drink? I get what you are saying that nobody would choose the chaos and insanity of it but nonetheless it is a choice!
My father died of cancer and if he was given a choice/gift to take it away I know he would of choose life....
Maybe since I'm in the beginning stages of recovery the compassionate part of me isn't established, idk, what I do know is their is a beautiful little girl who is getting tossed aside because of an f'n beer?!?!
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Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
My AH told me he had not drank in a year. yea right, he just got yet another dui just a few weeks before this. insanity.
It just does not matter. It is not our disease, we can do nothing about it.
If he drinks or uses something else, what in the world would make us surprised???? They are addicts!Drinking is their passion!
It is very hurtful when we are young in our recovery and our A would rather be drinking than be with us.
It is not until we know the disease that we let that one go.
It is NOT a choice. People do not have a choice to have a disease or not. They may want to stop clear to their toes, but it is a constant drive like someone who is starving and food is put in front of them, or dieing of thirst and water in front of them.
They want to be better at some point. But with out AA or some other program with a routine or whatever, they cannot stop.
I just cannot believe the stuff they put people around them in, loved ones, strangers etc that they have a choice and choose to drink and drive again when the last time they killed two kids.
Or they lost "everything." My AH had NOTHING. not even cloths when he got out of jail years ago.
My heart goes out to you so much. You are very brave to keep going and keep coming here. You are facing things and working hard in your recovery. love,debilyn
Oh boy, can I relate to feeling worthless. All I can say is after I healed, after I worked my program of recovery and found my worth (which I never had before), I realized it was something I would never give away again.
I completely understand feeling this way though. Many of us latch on to unhealthy relationships, don't see them coming, stay long enough to let them tear us apart. We feel we deserve this! We wonder why we try so hard and get treated so badly. As we grow and heal, we realize that we are better at seeing this behavior early and become strong enough to say NO before it can hurt us. It took me a long time to let go of the anger and find compassion and there is no set time table. Until then, you are feeling what you are feeling and that is OK. It is what you DO with it that matters.
It is a process. Been where you are and here to watch you climb out. It is One Day at a Time and I completely understand exactly how you feel. The great news is, the tools of Al-Anon can help you heal and help you to never be in this situation again.
Good luck!
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
