The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tonight I'm just really really tired. My A has been "sober" for 60 days but tonight I found a receipt (I was not snooping, it was on the coffee table and I was cleaning) for the day after his 60th day. He's been really nasty to me lately, he's not working, and now this. I saw the receipt and told him to please let me know when he uses the debit card so that I could take the correct amount out. I then called an Al-Anon friend to talk it through. He walked in the room and was about to explain but I just told him that I was on the phone. I haven't mentioned it since. We've been together for almost four years and we have a son together plus we're raising my other two children together. We were engaged but I lost the ring and now I'm okay that I did. Does anyone out there have words for me? I'm just lonely and scared to move on but as he sits on the couch and watches t.v. all day while I work and we still don't do anything together I realize that I've been lonely. I think of my children but what kind of a life is this. Should I wait for six months like I've been advised? Thanks
Independence , have you been to a face to face Alanon meeting??
The reason they say wait 6 months, because they dont want you to make a decision you will regret or make an emotional decision.
So, the A is dependent on you emotionally and financially??? Does he contribute around the home?? Cleaning , gardening, cooking? They say if you want to know what your future will be like, look at the present. Not unless there is a change, will change happen. The 6th month wait period only applies if your working the alanon program. So you have just started.?
The first think that will be helpful is to work the first step. It is one of the most important ones, read it , learn it, whether you decide to stay with the A or not. "We are powerless over the alcoholic and our lives had become unmanageable."
The primary reason for this program is that we concentrate on ourselves and making our lives more manageable and serene. Its not about the alcoholic, they have there program and recovery and its not up to us to take their inventory.
Keep coming back because it works if you work it. I wish you courage and strength. Luv, Bettina
I'm a little confused, wait 6 months for what? To make major decisions? I haven't been to any al-anon mtgs, is this something that they advise there? Please explain.
The Al-Anon program suggests that new members not make life-altering decisions for six months after beginning the program. The six month period is a time to step back and evaluate the reality of the situation, and to have an opportunity to think through things before making a snap decision based upon an emotional whim. I know that for me, I have been through many periods of stress in which my emotions were like a pendulum - very far swinging. It is good not to make a decision when the pendulum has swung really far to one side or the other, just to make a different decision when the pendulum swings back. (For me, this was deciding to get separated from my ex AH, only to ask him a day or two later to come back ... and I went back and forth several times, which only caused more pain and confusion. Ultimately, this is an example of why it may be more adviseable to wait until there is more self-awareness to make decisions).
The six month period is a suggestion, not a rule. You will have to decide what is best for your life. If there is violence or abuse, waiting 6 months is not adviseable.
Just my opinion, but I don't know that looking 6 months in the future is particularly healthy. My HP is in today, not tomorrow or next week or next month. In that situation, I would think that asking your HP what the next right thing is FOR TODAY would be enormously helpful. You don't have to decide what you're going to do 6 months from now right this second. If you keep doing the next right thing, it will all become clear.
Thank you Bettina. I have been going to face to face meetings but not like I should. I go every other weds. I have a sponser but she hasn't called me back in over a week so I conversate with other friends from my group. Reading your post was very helpful and I thought I took the first step but I have to go back because I still think that I can control him. He is dependent on me for some finances. He's drawing unemployment and I work part-time and I'm in school full-time. I'm looking for full-time work now because I don't like my situation and I'm really tired of the unemployment situation. He doesn't really do anything unless I ask or unless he wants to (sometimes he gets into a cleaning mood) but he does get up with our son at night and wake the older children up and sees them off to school in the morning. I'm glad I posted because lately my life has gotten very unmanagable (I suspect that my new boss may also be an alcoholic) and I need to do the steps. Thanks a bunch!!!!
Thank you for your kind words. I think that itt is a good idea to look at what I should do today. I do ask my HP to let me know when it's time to go but now I will ask Him what should I do about my situtations for today. There is so much confusion within me sometimes. Sometimes I love him a lot and that evening I can dislike him immensely. I have lost my focus which was on myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm addicted to my alcoholic. Is that strange? Does working the program change that thinking? Anyhoo, I will go to a meeting tomorrow and regroup. Thanks so much!
You hit the nail on the head! Alcoholics are addicted to alcohol, and we are addicted to alcoholics!! So no, it's not at all strange that you feel like you are addicted! I think it shows a tremendous amount of awareness!! Good for you!!
Hang in there - figuring out what to do with big chunks of time is unmanageable for me. I do better just figuring out today. :)
The not knowing was some of what killed me. I lived on that tenderhooks for a long long time.
The tools of al anon can certainly help you. Detaching is so essential. I found I had to really work at it before I saw any effect. I also had to be prepared to be pretty bad at it.
The other thing for me living around addicts is to be incredibly busy so I don't get drawn into their drama, chaos and negativity. I know that is an incredible task. Who said any of this would be easy?
Of course detaching, being busy and using other al anon tools generally do not go down well with an active addict. If someone were in sobriety maybe as they are supposed to be focused on their program. Since I've adopted the al anon tools I've been called selfish, mean and unsympathetic. The thing I am realizing now is that when I was overinvolved I was called plenty of things too. I prefer being detached.
Do you have a copy of the book Getting them Sober offered above. I think that book is an incredible resource, gives guidelines and is very empowering.
