The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am writing this when I am very upset. I just don't know what to do anymore. My AH came to the house tonight furious with me. He had been snooping through my stuff once again and found old journals from years ago. He told me that it was not normal to keep these journals (b/c I had written about how I felt about his drinking). He told me I was "insane", that I "needed help". He also accused me of being a "cold B****" b/c I had a"put him out on the street" by asking to live apart for awhile. He yelled at me in front of the kids, threw papers at me, etc. He called me names. He would NEVER have done this before. When I told him he was scaring me, he told me that I have acted that same way throughout our marriage (not true...I may be moody, but never scary angry). While he was yelling, he was actually frothy at the corner of his mouth. I had to take one of the kids somewhere for a few hours. When I came back, he had bought my favourite chocolate bar for me and left in on the kitchen table. Later, he wouldn't leave tonight (he has his own apt.) and kept insisting that we talk. I told him I would only talk with a counsellor b/c we were getting nowhere. It just got worse and worse. He told me he planned on sleeping here and I told him I didn't want him to. That's when I got nasty and said "If I had my way, you'd be out of here". He freaked, slammed around the house yelling at me for about 10 minutes (he couldn't find his wallet) while the kids looked on. It was awful. As he left he hollered that now that he knew what kind of a person I really was, he would get the divorce papers started himself. Lots more happened, but I am writing too much already.
He has been on clonazepam for ten years. He recently weaned himself off without doctor supervision. I can't tell if his behaviour is due to stress of the separation or from the weaning. I am scared he might actually be mentally unstable, but at the same time I feel powerless over the whole situation. He can be so mean and then ten minutes later seem serene and calm. I am scared of him...but he still has total rights to the kids, the house...everything. I feel so lost and desperate.
Can anyone say ANYTHING to make me feel better right now?! I am desperate for some hope. I wish I could just crawl into this computer and be close to some of you right now. I feel so alone, so lost.
Good grief that is just horrible. I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Don't know if anyone can help take away your pain at this point. Just remember it is the disease talking and you don't deserve that nor do the kids. You need to set up boundaries for yourself and the children(especially if your worried about safety) You do have more power over this situation than you think. Remember what a good person you are and do what you can to reassure the kids. Reassure them that it's nothing they did because even they blame themselves. Try and stay busy and don't contact him at all if you can help it. My A left the house (not quite that kind of a scene, but it was still unpleasant) and before he left i was insane, controlling, and he was going to sue me. Insead of getting upset i told him to take some clothes and not come back. I also was nice enough to hold the door for him while he carried it out. lol. You really should try and not let his disease get you down...i know it's hard. You and your kids are the priority!!! Big hugs your way!!
-- Edited by soxfan on Monday 31st of May 2010 09:08:16 PM
It sounds to me that your H is just plain abusive. And what you can do is call the police. His irratic behavior, his threatening you and screaming and slaming around your house is all stuff that should be documented.
The "why" of what he is doing doesn't really matter. Doesn't matter if it is drugs, not drugs, drinking whatever. There is NO excuse for your H to treat you and the children that way. None. Ever.
That the children witnessed his rage is abuse in itself.
What I did in a similar situation was call the police. They removed him from the home. And that began a paper trail so that when it came time for the divorce, it was all documented.
Please stay safe and keep your kids safe also. Abuse only ever gets worse, never better.
Boundaries come to mind Looking for Peace. Verbally abusing you and demeaning you in front of your children shows his addiction is in control, only how he feels is important to him and hurt people hurt people. You have a choice as to how you react to it.
I no longer accept abuse that undermines my dignity and self respect, I say what I mean, mean what I say and dont say it mean.......I learned this in Al-anon and much more.
Have a read of AGOs post below, and please, if you havent already, find a f2f, surround yourself with the ES&H.
As we say in Alanon, you didnt cause it, you cant cure or control it.
Doesnt matter if its alcohol, drugs or prescription abuse, its all addiction.
I imagine he is living with you now? Unfortunately these are the men we chose to be with and its a rough road. I was with the xah for 26 years and it only got progressively worse thru the years. My dad was not an alcoholic or drug user, but he was a verbal abuser, mostly at my Mother. When he starts his verbal rants and raves, are you able to remove yourself from the room. ? Most verbal abusers are cowards and its a way to control you and make you fearful.
Because we chose the men we are with , does not mean we have to stay in it. We do have choices. I really think its about our own self esteem. With help from this program you will be better able to make the choices for your life that you deserve. Remember, everything begins with us. Peace is not something outside of ourselves, its within us.
Keep coming back and share your feelings, you have to get off your chest. Then start the process of recovery. Wishing you courage and strength Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 1st of June 2010 02:19:29 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 1st of June 2010 02:21:40 PM
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this at the moment. Many of us have dealt with similar situations, including me.
Whatever the reason, be it escalating drinking, mixing alcohol with other meds, be they legal or not, changing meds, poor nutrition, medical consequences of alcoholism etc., the situation with your AH has gotten to another level.
When this happened in my life I learned to "put first things first" and made a plan B. I packed a bag and kept it in the trunk of my car, I hid a key outside, I opened a new bank account and post office box and tucked away a small amount of emergency money. Not because I thought my husband wanted to harm me, but because the disease might compel him to if things got bad enough for him. I also carried a cell phone in my pocket, on my person at all times. Once, I used it to call the police when I believed my AH had broken away from reality. Honestly, it was horrific, but I'm glad I did it in hindsight.
I also found that in the midst of the worst of the disease, I needed to double down on working my program in al-anon. The love,support and connectivity to my HP were so important to help me get through. It also helped me stay in touch with the knowledge that the way my AH was behaving was a product of the disease and not who he was. Sometimes, that understanding, and my desire to be healthier for myself and my son was all that kept me going.
