The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not sure wherre to begin... Are any of us? I am the adult child of an alcoholic who married an alcoholic.
I first noticed a problem with him after we were married a few weeks. I found the first hidden bottle. A really big almost empty one. That started the viscious circle for us. I would get mad he would promise to stop and so on. About 2 years ago I entered ALANON and counseing. It took that long for me to come to my decisions.
2 years ago I told him this was the end, seek help with, or without me but if things didnt get better I was leaving. He never thought I was serious. If we werent talking about our problems all the time they didnt exist. 2 weeks ago I had enough and filed for divorce, changed the locks and so on. The court had a hearing thet day and decided he should not have unsupervised contact with our 5 year old daughter. What fun that day was.
Last week we went to court where the judge appointed his sister as an acceptable superviser which is fine with me. They had their first visit this weekend. That was so hard. I have been through the whole visitation thing before so I was surprised at my reaction.
Now I am trying to figure out how to be a single mom. What does this mean for me. I am so afraid of not being able to do this. How do I work full time, be a mom, go to alanon and counseling and still find time to take care of me? I am afraid to get into another relationship but equally afraid to be alone. I need adult sober contact. I was very alone in my marriage and now physically alone.
I thank GOD every day for alanon and the people in my life who love and support me. To quote a phrase... This too shall pass.
Your right Brandy , it will pass . I have discovered that if I do life ONE DAY at a time - literally that it rolls along pretty smoothly. 'Your daughter will be fine as long as your happy , she will be in school durring the day while your at work , u still have the evnings together and they dont have to be packed with things to do , helping with homework , watching a tv show together , even doing dishes together is time well spent . None of us are perfect moms personally I dont think she exists hehe. Focus on your needs go to your meetings for both your sakes trust me she will appreciate it as she grows up .. You can do this Brandy . Louise
Louise had on the spot ES&H for you. I will only add, I'm glad you are here, and keep coming back. I'm looking forward to you sharing your ES&H with others........Now you have two Al- Anon families
Welcome HUGS,
RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 31st of May 2010 02:02:32 PM
Hi Brandy. I am sad you had to do this but am impressed by your convictions and sticking to what you said. That is not easy ever.
I was a single widowed mom. Shy, scared, embarrased. But it made me be able to do sooo many things on my own. I fixed my own washer and dryer, my truck, bought my own pickup new!
Bought a house. Went back to college. My kids did great.
Now what I did was work for the school system to be home when my kids were. Is anything like that an option for you?
Kindergarten is all day now, so maybe fit your schedule around that?
It is lots to figure out. You will. Like Abbers said, one day at a time. Do what you can that day, make a list even, when you have done all you can, let it go and watch a movie with your kiddo, go for a drive, paint a room whatever. If you can let it all go as this is your time to breath.
It was what saved me, learning to really take one day. Once I figured it out, wow what a difference. I didn't have to think ahead. I still don't.
We can still dream and make goals. I put notes on my refridgerator what I want. Kids and I did that before. They always came true. Seeing them made us work towards them with out knowing it.
I have to be careful saying what I want as it usually happens. LOL once I wanted to raise an opossom. Ended up with two in the next few days!
lol In time when the pain gets better, and you work on the one day at a time, sticking to the serenity prayer, the peace and serenity you have will get you thru anything.
I don't know if you have it there but here we have after school programs for kids to play, have snacks, relax, go places, do homework etc. One of my best friends runs the program.
There are always options, you will find them. Things will come up you did not even think about.
Hope you keep coming back and sharing your miracle with us. love! debilyn
Brandy Taking things one day at a time is the best way to deal. I have a six year old and a 15 month old and if i look at the big picture i can't handle it and i freak. I just concentrate on today. I am not single but i have been taking care of my two kids pretty much alone, financially, and emotionally for 6 months. The thought of it scared me to death, but here i am 6 months later and they are fine and i am in a much better place :)
I can understand your apprehensiveness about your ability to provide for you and your child. I think it's a natural response.
I also think that you will find your way. Answers won't come all at once, but will reveal themselves as you go along.
I am divorcing after 36 years of marriage. I married at 19. I had never been on my own. I worried about how I was going to do it all on my own. I'm discovering that as I go along, I'm finding solutions to minor and major challenges. I practice keeping my thoughts in the now and not worrying about the future. With practice, staying in the now is possible. I once thought it was not.
As far as being alone, I don't feel alone anymore. I did when my soon-to-be exAH lived with me. It was very lonely to come home after a long day's work to find him zonked out on the couch and having to eat dinner by myself. It was lonely when a decision needed to be made, but he was never available to work together to find a solution. It was lonely to want to share my hopes and dreams with him, but he was to drunk to care. It was lonely when he did appear to listen to me talk about whatever was on my mind and the following day he not remember what I had shared. The solution: I stopped going to the hardware store for bread! Now I reach out to those who are available.
I truly miss the husband that I know he could be IF he didn't drink. However, I have finally accepted that he chooses to feed his addiction. I've let go. I've learned to move on and surprisingly enjoying life much more.
I agree, you can do this. Take it one day at a time. Take care
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Monday 31st of May 2010 07:58:28 PM
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
My daughter is in the same situation and I said to her what Ive read here...........dont try to eat the elephant all at once..........just a little bit at a time! Shes doing this and is going along fine.....and you will too, you already have a good support network around you, keep tapping into it......and keep coming back here!
If you had anything like my experience with my ex A I was actually coping with everyting "alone" for years. In fact the way I was coping was dysfunctional but I was nevertheless essentially alone. The ex A was not present emotionally for me at all.
I am glad you are here. This is a great place to get support. This program can help anyone the more you work it the clearer the path becomes.
First of all thank you all so much for sharing your ES&H. It is so good to have an outlet when I cant get to a meeting. Sometimes just saying it gets it out of my head. I love you all!
A few of you are right I have been doing this by myself for a long time. He was never present when he was here. Our daughter does not even comprehend that he is gone. She does not miss him or ask about him. It is sad in a way but I think easier.
All the co-dependants at work and such keep asking me if he is drinking more now and where does he live. My reply is that it is no longer my problem. Some dont get it. I have totally disengaged from him. It no longer matters to me.
I feel better today. I realize that I cant look too far in the future or I get panic attacks. I am no good like that for sure! All I can do is today, sometimes this hour.
My house is getting very clean and empty too! I have thrown away countless unnecessary items. It is very cathartic to clean out your whole life! It helps so much with serenity!
trust me she will appreciate it as she grows up .. You can do this Brandy . Louise
