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A lot happened this afternoon when I met with my AH, but at least we both stayed civil. Anyways...he has left me with a burning question...
He said that if I want to save our marriage, loved him and the kids...then I will be willing to attend more Al-Anon meetings. He told me that this is the only way I will learn to have peace, forgive him for his past transgressions, etc. I am presently going to one f2f/week. He said that this is not enough. He told me that I should be going every day. I said I would not do that. He said daily meetings (for a couple fo months) are the ONLY way I will ever "get it" (he wasn't being nasty). He told me I needed to want it just as much as he did when he became sober (which he isn't yet). He became very emotional and left in tears. Now I am left wondering if I am letting down the entire marriage, the kids, our families, etc., if I refuse to go to meetings every evening. I am beating myself up now, wondering if I am being close-minded and letting everyone down...but I honestly DON'T want to go to a meeting every night. I enjoy my weekly meeting and would consider going to two/week and one extra here and there if I am having a bad day.
Part of me feels awful (sad, guilty) and another part of me is resentful (I am scared to put even more on my plate, scared to let him skip his AA meetings to watch the kids).
Is there a belief in Al-Anon that a member must go to meetings full time at first in order to truly find peace?
Sounds like hes telling you how to handle your recovery while he isnt working his own. Its convenient to take the focus off himself and on to you so his recovery and not being sober wont get attention........good grief ...how typical....blessings :)
I attend two Al-Anon meeting each week. My AW attends three or four AA meetings each week. Like your AH my AW is not sober. I go to my meetings for me.... not the alcoholic or anyone else in my life. I would have a problem if my AW told me how many meetings I needed to attend reguardless of the reason, as I'm sure she would have a problem with me if the shoe were on the other foot.
Sometimes the A's in our lives blame us for their falures....sounds from here that your AH has already set you up to blame for his falure....the one that hasn't come to pass......yet!!
Go to as many or as few meetings as you feel "you" need to attend each week. It's your program....No one elses....Do what's right for you....Put the focus on you.....and always take care of yourself first.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Sunday 30th of May 2010 06:39:03 PM
He told me I needed to want it just as much as he did when he became sober (which he isn't yet).
You'll find what's right for you and what works for you. When you "get it", he may find that "it" isn't quite what he was picturing. Just as his "it" (if he gets it) may not be exactly what you envisioned.
Recovery is full of miracles. It's also full of surprises. Most of them good. But the aren't always the results that we'd project for ourselves... or that others in our lives think we ought to be.
Ya gotta love it I do agree that one meeting a week may not be enough , but thats just me . funny how all of a sudden then know whats best for us isnt it ? In sobriety I had to learn to stay out of my husb recovery and I asked that he stay out of mine . We all grow at our own pace , a couple of diff meetings will give u a different perspective , meet different people and hear how others have changed thier lives .. the more people I meet the more I learn . You need to recover from the affects of someones drinking don't sell yourself short by only attending one meeting , I understand the resentment u are feeling but remember that your not responsible for his sobriety any more than u were responsible for his drinking , so take care of you. We have a amazing book called the Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage , it adresses the drinking days , sobreity and has alot of good info on communication , my sponsors husb an AA member insisted that his guys buy and read this book as well as thier wives , you can find it at your meetings if not ask the group rep to order you one , you won't be sorry it is awsome . My husb and I made a agreement to not take each others inventory , we dont always stick to it but it is always in our minds , we need the freedom to recover our way not what someone else thinks we should be doing .
My xAH always knew how to pull my strings. He often used material and thoughts of AA and recovery to manipulate me, warping them to the point of making the program into an excuse for drinking and running my life. I will never forget my surprise after reading how many As are upset when the signifigant other joins AlAnon, my A was so excited, I later learned he thought I would learn how to live with him drinking, accept his behavior and learn to be a better caretaker. (Isn't that a hoot?) Similar to your situation I was told how to do my program eventually this provided a very good lesson. My recovery, my program is mine. I do this for myself, not for anyone else. And the only person I have to answer to about where I am in my program is myself.
I do agree that one meeting a week may not be enough , but thats just me . funny how all of a sudden then know whats best for us isnt it ?