The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My adult son (22 years old) entered a 90 day treatment program a little over four months ago, across the country. He chose to go and has so far maintained sobriety. We are supporting him financially although he is sort of looking for a part time job (he has great difficulty following through on any tasks that involve paper work or research). He is involved in a really neat volunteer position. Anyway, he will be coming home to vist -- mostly to see a friend who will be leaving for the military-- this week, staying about 6 days. I am trying to figure out how to interact with him in the most stress-free way possible. In many ways, we are very close. He calls most days and shares with us a lot about his recovery. But I also know he finds being with me stressful. My plan is to absolutely not nag or remind -- to treat him sort of like a houseguest (I wouldn't ask a houseguest if he was going to an AA meeting!). But I am apprehensive. I also feel sad that I have to sort of put on an act with my own child. Any Advice? This isn't about detaching myself from his alcoholism which seems to be a central theme in Alanon. This is about practical, day to day ways to relate with my child whom I love dearly but whom I do not want to stress out.
welcome. The "theme" of alanon is learning to take care of YOU, not the other person. As a loved one or codependent - we cant do anything for them - they have to do it on their own. We can live with them - if we learn to get out of the way. It is about enabling &/or the manipulative dynamic that codependents buy into. We cannot own the disease for the A's. We can however learn to stop enalbing, get out of the way- focus on and enjoy our own lives and give our loved ones to the higher power. It isnt about "acting" or being fake with your child -but it is about allowing the other person to make choices and accepting that for them. They are adults. We learn by living. Alll adults have free will. Support is one thing but parents need to learn how to adapt to their adult children's lives. You can only change and control YOU. It may sound bittersweet but it is very - empowering! Accept reality, change what u can and life will feel much better.
So, I say u -cant stress out over owning their reactions. Learn to own your junk and that's it Boundaries have saved and changed my life!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
My son (33) has had a couple of stints in rehab and, first time, when he came home I took on his recovery, encouraged him to tell me everything he wanted about rehab and told him he had to go to more than one AA meeting a week, Id found where they were, times, days...... how his Dad would drive him, he could use the phone anytime, I cooked his favourite food and did his washing and ironing, Id probably have wiped his you know what if hed asked me. Why did I do this?............because one, I was beyond, BEYOND relieved he was sober, and it was my job to help keep him that way and two, because I was sick sick sick. The noise of crushed eggshells beneath my feet as I skirted round him was deafening!!
I fell apart when he went back out drinking after 6 months. I hit bottom and had no idea how to get up, Id have happily jumped off a bridge but not before Id murdered him first!
I was lucky to find this fantastic board and eventually got myself to f2f meetings. BOUNDARIES are the best thing I could have learned about, especially the internal boundaries I have constructed to maintain my recovery and serenity.
Before he came home last time I had boundaries (and consequences) in place for him, which were discussed and agreed to before he came home, and I had my own internal boundaries. I was a different person, and none of the previous old habits were repeated. He had made his own planwith his counsellor in rehab, which included our boundaries. When he came home he did his own thing and his Dad & I went about our everyday business, the world didnt revolve around his disease as it had before.We sat down at night and had dinner and a chat about the day, just the normal stuff that families talk about and I think he appreciated the familiar normality of it all. He was more relaxed because we were more relaxed. If he wanted to talk aboutanything to do with his disease and recovery we kept it short and encouraged him to take anything to do with that aspect of his life to his AA buddies (he didnt get a sponsor). I had learned in Al-anonI was powerless over his drinking and therefore powerless over his recovery, but I was empowered in Al-anon to focus on me, and it worked.
Id like to say he is sober today but sadly he went back out again. Consequences agreed to were applied.....he respected that was the way it was. He and only he can choose how he lives his life I have chosen to continue seeking serenity and recovery in Al-anon.
Enjoy his vist but do your own thing.......and let him do his.
