The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I first came in Al-Anon exactly a month ago today I went believing it could help me to fix my relationship with my alcoholic girlfriend in recovery or at least fix her. Already during my first f2f meeting I realized that it was about me. Not us and not her. Ok. So I was under the influence of alcohol as well. But if I was, it was because she made me sick!
I was wrong again! After taking a better look at who I am and who I was before I met her, I have realized that she didn't make me the way I am. I have been like this for a long time, although I cannot say when it all started.
One experience that came to mind after attending several f2f meetings was one time I lived in the house with a still drinking alcoholic.
I had just started my final year of service electronics in Norway and moved in a house with three friends. One couple (the girl only stayed a short period) and one still-drinking alcoholic.
At first I didn't know how bad it was, but I soon realized that my friend was not at all well. He would never miss classes and vent either he was sober or not. And to my big frustration he got better marks than I did.
I was 20 years at that time and my friend was 21. As well as drinking heavily every day, he also took drugs during the weekends.
I could see the insanity in his behaviour and started doing everything I could to fix him. I was worried about him and sat up waiting for him to come home many nights. He always wanted to make food no matter how wasted he was, but would also fall asleep before his food was cocked. I was worried that he would burn the house down.
I tried to talk sense into him many times. I had met his parents who was very lovely people and used them against him. I would say stuff like
"Can't you see what you're doing!? You don't only hurt yourself, but me, people who care about you and your lovely parents who you should be nothing but grateful for!"
Sometimes he got upset and other times he would start crying and promise to get better.
One time I challenged him to stop drinking completely for at least two days. He did so. The first day was ok. He was optimistic and wanted to try this. He was worried about not getting sleep without alcohol. I had the solution. I took him for a long walk that day to make sure he was tired enough to sleep the next night.
The next day was totally different. He was angry and his hands were shaking. And he started drinking that night, saying his two days without alcohol was over. NO MORE!
It did not get better when one of my teachers took me aside and said I was a bad friend that could not help my best friend back on his feet.
But the more I pushed it, the more he drank and he also started taking drugs in the house. We had a clear rule of no drugs in the house that he stuck to for a long time before this happened. One day I said; "that's it! I'm turning you over to the police!". That's when he threatened me with taking his own life.
In the end I chose to move to another house. He cried when I told him my decision. When I moved, my other friend in the house decided to come with me. He never complained about the alcoholic, so I didn't understand it then, but he was the youngest of us, and was probably scared to stay if I left.
We all continued to go to the same class for six more months, and during that time I didn't have much contact with my alcoholic friend, but he looked better! He were still drinking, but looked far more calm and peaceful.
Looking back on that time show me that the only sensible thing I did was to move out. I was just as guilty as the alcoholic when it came to putting both our lives in danger. (Many of our arguments had been close to being very violent)
I do comfort myself with that I didn't know better. I think I had never heard about AA and definitely not Al-Anon, (AA and Al-Anon is unfortunately not very big in Norway). My intentions was good, but my ways of controlling, manipulate and pushing him, made everything so much worse.
This is eight years ago now, but I still wanted to share this as a story of how I was even before I met my ex-girlfriend.
Thanks for being here
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-- Edited by Cosmos on Saturday 29th of May 2010 01:46:09 PM
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If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
I too have been a caretaker, fixer, changer for a long time. Seeing my part in any situation and in particular any situations with one of the As in my life always helps me so much. I can do my best to change me
I always enjoy reading your posts.I attended a Grief and Loss Alanon workshop last night. I realized during the sharing that I was also the way I am (codependent) long before I met my A exBF. I grew up with an A father and a codependent mother. I only learned how to focus on other people and just survive the craziness. All of my energy was directed there instead of normal things like school, interests etc. I feel incredibly sad when I see how I am still diverting my energy away from living my life to the fullest.Or just even doing the basics such as cleaning my house etc. Lol.I am grateful for such clarity. The first challenge is not being crushed by the sadness that I slip back into denial to escape the pain of wasting so much time. The second challenge is to figure out what to do with myself. I feel like I'm 38 going on 15. Eek.
