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OK, so I was thinking that he was back on track. He was going to go back to work today. He is my fiance, he lives in another state. I have a trip planned and paid for to go there this coming Thursdsay. He sarted drinking last Monday night. (As I posted last week) From Wed on he sounded totally sober, and apologetic, begging me to please not cancel my trip. I tried to call him yesterday, he wouldn't pick up, but he text back that he was at work. So, I started to think that he was drinking. I always call him when I get home from work. I called him as usual, no answer, no text back. At 2am, I get a phone call from him, that he got in a fight with his friend and got arrested for it. So, he asked me to help him get out of jail. There is nothing I can do from here. They told him someone had to come pick him up. His son told him "NO, I think you should stay there that is a safe place for you." (Oh he wound up confessing to me that he was in a bar. He has been drinking at home up until now.) I told him to call someone from AA that he knows, he said, "NO WAY."
So, his Son, age 18 tells him No. He has very few memorized phone numbers in his head of people he knows there. (He doesn't know that many people, he moved there for work less than a year ago). He calls me back expecting me to be on his side, with the poor me, my son won't get me. And I said, "You know, I have a tendency to agree with your son." So, he hung up on me, hasn't called back. I just checked inmate records and he is still there. He told me if no one came to get him in three hours, that he has to stay there until Tuesday (Holiday weekend).
I did read the book "Getting Them Sober" and I remember the part about letting them feel the crisis, don't rescue them. And don't try to stop them when they take a drink, because that may be the drink that makes them lose something, like their job, or go to jail.
So, do I take his calls? Do, I just refuse the calls. What is the one thing I can say to him when he calls that tells him to get sober or don't call. How can he prove it if he does. I believed him all week when he said he went to meetings, and was getting back on track. So, being this far away, he can lie all he wants.
I don't want to break up with him. I know he has fallen before after 5 years of being sober and then after 1 year this time. So, I know he can do it. But, how do I react to this from so far away?
He is a responsible adult and a great guy when he is sober. I don't want to throw that guy away for this evil twin, ya know?
Thanks,
__________________
Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I'm in a similar situation, my A has only been sober for the last 2 weeks... But from the books I'm currently reading (desperately for answers) I've adapted the "stand firm" attitude. I let him know what I will and will Not do or accept. He can not come home and drink or drinking. I just can't be around it. I've got enough to think about and work on then babysit a grown man. I can not finance his habits (including DUI bail) I can not even talk to him under the influence. His evil twin in NOT my friend so don't expect MY help! Same thing for you... He will either play by your rules or he can go find somebody else to play with. (himself most likely)
Thanks, I need to stay focused and strong. I feel badly, picturing him in jail. But, I think he needs to be there. No alcohol there, he has to face himself.
__________________
Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Don't feel bad, sorry, or guilty for a mistake he made. It's his disease he owns, it's not yours. He's only suffering the consequences choices he made. You asked what is one thing I can tell him when he calls that tells him to get sober or don't call? Nothing you are anyone can say or do can make him get sober, absolutely nothing. If he calls and he most likely will....nothing says you have to answer on the other end....that's your choice....your decision....and your senerity to protect.
It does sound to me that his son has been to this rodeo before. I think his son did the best thing he could do for his Dad. It is said in the program that sometimes the best thing we can do for the alcoholic in our life is absolutely nothing. They have to find their own way with the help of their HP........ our interfernce only delays that possibility.
He just called me. No one will pick him up from jail. He says he lost everything. The guy that he fought with, owns the house he lives in. He rents the upstairs.So, he has no where to live. He hasn't gone to work in a week. He was supposed to go today, so most likely he lost his job. He said, "My own son won't get me, can you believe that?" I said, Yes, I can. Then he said, "Look what I did to myself after drinking for only 3 days, I lost everything." Then he said, "please come on Thursday, I can't lose you too." I don't know what to do? I said, again, "Me or the booze, it's your choice." He said, "I know I can't drink, I know I can't, this is what happens to me when I do." I told him to call his sponser. He just hesitated. Am I doing this all wrong? They phone hangs up after 5 minutes. I don't know how often he can make a call. He said something about might not be able to call me again. The crazy part is, they just want 150.00 for him to get out. The money isn't the problem, it's that NO one will get him. Someone has to sign for him to assure he will show up for court. Wow, huh? I guess it's good that no one will get him. That has to feel pretty terrible. I know he needs this to happen. But, it's so hard for me to watch. Thank God I live 2600 miles away. I doubt I could be as strong as the rest of the people he knows are being.
__________________
Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I'm sorry for the stress this situation is causing you. The bright side is this may be the event needed to help your A help himself. The progression of the disease and how it affects relationships is extremely hard to watch. Try to keep your focus on you. i hope you find ways to enjoy the holiday weekend.
I too am sorry for the stress he has put you under, but I admire your strength.I know its hard not to have feelings for him, but this is the life and the consequences he chooses.They choose to lose and there is nothing we can do about it.And I too made my A choose between me or the booze.The booze is their first love.They play on your pity and always have a sob story, yet the merry-go-round keeps going.Trust me, it never stops.Ive heard mine promise and cry and swear that the last time was the last time.But it wasnt.Two years ago he drove on a suspended for a DUI, dumb thing to do.Out of the goodness of my heart I bailed him out of jail to the tune of $497.Did I ever get it back?Heck no, and I didnt expect to.He is walking a very thin line with me.Im not going to support any man, especially one who cant stay out of trouble.And Im not going to support his drinking habit either.I totally agree with Jewel.
Let's not let them ruin our holiday.You cant do anything from 2,600 miles away so try not to drive yourself crazy thinking about it.He is better off where he is.His own son is tired of it.Imagine a lifetime of this.Lets try instead to focus on this holiday and the individuals who lost their lives fighting for our freedom.They were the real winners.Alyzza
Your doing this absolutley right , sitting in jail for a few days just might be what he needs ... and cudos for his son to have the courage to leave his dad where he was , an 18 yr old should not have to make a decission like that . He knows where to go to get help , all he has to do is call someone from AA they will come and talk to him , bail him out ? probably not .l... If your not already attending meeting s for yourself please find a local Al-Anon meeting , if your going to have a relationship with an A you need support from people who have been where your at . this is too hard to deal with alone . he's a big boy he will be just fine . Until we stop rescuing them there is no reason for the alcoholic to change . were enablers , we beleive the lies , we lie for them , we make excuses for thier crappy behavior we cover up thier mistakes over and over again why would they change when we do it all for them ??? Let go and allow him the dignity to grow up .
As hard as this must be for you it's probably the best thing for him at this point. Spending a few days in jail sure must be a wake up call....and even though he's in jail, you know he is safe. I feel for you in this situation, it is a hard one. It's probably a good thing you are so far away like you said...even if you want to rescue him you can't. Keep the faith!!
Thank you everyone. I grew up with an alcoholic father, he was a happy drunk. It did cause a lot of arguements, and I hated that my dad was always the drunk one at any family gatherings, or parties. I remember my mom locking him out of the house when I was about 8, because of how drunk he got at a block party. They stayed together for 49 years. My dad passed away last year a month after their 49th birthday. But, I always remember feeling like his alcohol was more important than the family. Anyway, every man I have ever dated, and the one I married were alcoholics. My ex was a lot like my dad. I always made sure I didn't have a drink at parties or Christmas parties, because I knew someone had to drive us home. Eventually, I resented him so much, that I hated to even kiss him. We divorced at 15 years of marriage. After that I fell in love with a guy that was so romantic, said all the right things, but eventually I realized he was a mean drunk. He went to jail for domestic violence 3 times. After the third time, I never spoke with him again. It was 5 years ago. Ironically, he called me this week. Next relationship, recovering addict, but he just couldn't commit. He did fine, didn't drink, it was good, but was never emotionally available. I broke up with him two weeks after my dad died. So, when Tim (current guy) came along. Even though he was an ex boyfriend, I was soooooo happy to hear he was in recovery. I thought, "finally" one that has admitted his problem. He told me how bad his relapses had been. I really thought he had figured it out. So, this blew my mind. Although, maybe he needed it at this point. Because , he was so thankful that he finally had his life together. Maybe he needed to see, he still needed to be very careful. OK, well I am trying my best to live today. I do confess, I am so sad. I miss the sober Tim. I am heartbroken for him, and our plans for a future. I am scared to death that if he does get sober now, what does that mean? Will there be a next time?
OK, thanks everyone! I really appreciate the support here.
__________________
Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I think one of the hardest things is missing the "sober" person that you love because when they aren't sober they still look the same. My A is the man of my dreams when he is sober. When he is not sober there are times that i want to hit him and never stop. It is very, very sad. It's hard to believe that one person can cause so many different emotions in us.
It really stinks when we find peace while they are paying for their actions. I will pray for the both of you!! At least you might get some sleep knowing he is safe and sober.
After reading your post above my heart goes out to you. You're being strong and doing the right thing. But it's time to do the next right thing and start attending f2f meetings as soon as possible. Your whole life from childhood to present has been drastically affected by this disease. It's past time for you to start taking care of you first. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first where it belongs, focus on yourself and not the alcoholic in your life. You are important. You deserve it. Start your recovery. There is "absolutely" nothing better you can do for yourself.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 29th of May 2010 10:08:57 PM
Thanks, I think I better. I never realized how much alcoholics have been my focus until this week. I have to figure out what to do. I feel like a healthy, happy, normal person. But, I think this must be all I know. Thank you. I will get on it asap.
__________________
Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
When I had been in Al Anon several years. I came to realize his disease is his own and none of my business. I cannot control it anyway.
Whether he used or not was no matter. I wanted to just love him. So that is what I did. Sadly he has severe brain damage and became dangerous.I had to stay away from him.
But the time I had where I did not think about him using or not, losing his job or not, losing a place to live, was so freeing.
If something went sour. I would just say, wow what are you going to do now?
If he used and was sick. my words would be, i wouldn't have made that choice but we have a right to our own choices.
Which they do. A's are no different than anyone else. They have a right to live their life without anyone making ulitimatums, or you do this and I will do that.
I don't want anyone monitoring me.
He has a horrible disease It is no more personal than if he had diabetes.
Glad you are here and getting so much support! love,debilyn
OMG! I went through this a couple of months ago. Let him stay there. He needs to feel this. My alcoholic said that it was the best thing for him. I don't know what will happen when he gets out but for mine he was court ordered into a program. I don't know about you guys' relationship but just know that he has to face himself and feel his pain. I missed mine when he was gone but I learned a valuable lesson. I could do things without him. After years of feeling like I couldn't do anything right I figured out I could do some things well. We're still not okay. He's still having slips but I feel a lot more confident now if I have to leave him then I did before he left for jail and I'm grateful for that.
