The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A little over 5 years ago I fell in love. Come to find out one of "her" favorite words is freedom. I thought that it applied for the step I was taking in my life so I too adopted it as my favorite word. Every time, I said it, typed it, thought about it. I smiled. My heart felt happy cause it reminded me of being in love with her. Fast forward 5 years. She broke up with me a couple weeks ago and I can't get the word freedom out of my head. 5 years later, it doesn't mean what it used to. As I type this it means the opposite of its true meaning. I gave up every part of myself, willingly mind you, because I was trying to be perfect. I wanted "her" to be proud of me. There's a problem right there. Yes, a partner should have pride but it should be given freely as a gift not as a reward. I lost perspective. The relationship became a competition. The more I competed the more miserable I got. The more miserable she got. I am not even going to begin to assign blame. God only knows what "moment" in time it all changed. The point is, I have my freedom now whether I want it or not. But, I am not free. I am still in love. I still believe we belong together. With that said, I know I need to heal and not just from this relationship but from 37 years worth of crap in my head. Whether or not "she" comes back is between her and God. That's abou it for now....
Aloha Seeking...I like your post; such a description of reality of dependence as it was for me also. Thank God for Al-Anon as the program helped me to reach a much better understanding of freedom which still works for me today. "Freedom is the consequence of discipline". As I began and continue to discipline my life to the principles of this program I have broken away from negative reaction and emotional dependence on what "they" do. I am powerless over it all and am free to choose within the need for happiness. I am grateful Al-Anon. You're free to love and nurture you; what a concept!! What do you think it is like being loved by Seeking?
