The material presented
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Hello! I am not sure if this is the right place to post, but I am really concerned about my husband's drinking and need advice. For the last 3 years or so, my husband has become more of a drinker. I am not sure he is an alcoholic yet, (doesn't have the physical need) but he hides drinking from me, drinks more and more to get drunk, drinks to forget about stress, drinks almost nightly (later at night, like around 10 pm to 2 am or so). His father is a severe alcoholic, he is in a 7 month rehab facility and has been there several times in the past. I am so afraid my husband will get worse. He is aware that he needs to stop drinking, but he just won't. My husband stopped drinking for about 3 months right after our daughter was born in November. He was proud of himself, but then he started slowly drinking again. It has gotten to the point where I hide the car keys when I go to bed so he won't be able to go to the store. I just get so mad and say to him "if you can't stop for any other reason, then stop for you daughter...she needs you!" and bring up the fact that he grew up with an alcoholic father. I just don't know what to do. Some mornings when I find evidence of him drinking (hidden bottles or my car keys missing) I just get so mad that I just do not want to see him...there have been several times I contemplated taking my daughter and leaving and staying at a hotel for a night just to get away from him. However, I fear leaving for a night will make things worse. No one knows of this problem, which makes it harder becuase I have no one to talk to. This is affecting so much of our life! Any advice?
Welcome! You ARE in the right place. This site is for anybody who is concerned about another person's alcohol/drug use. The first lesson is: You did not cause the problem. You can not control it. You can not cure it. This site has taught me many things, but the main one being I am not alone. I can come here and tell things to people who have a full understanding of what I am telling them. It helps by giving ideas/tips for learning to live a life with serenity. I for one am finding hope and a large part of that comes from me being here. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I'm glad you found us. You are not alone anymore. You will find the help you need here and in the rooms of Al-Anon in your local area.
It doesn't matter if your husband is an alcoholic or not. Al-Anon is for people who are effected by someone else's drinking....you qualify.
Alcoholism is a disease, a cunning, baffling, and powerfull disease. It controls the alcoholic and slowly take over his mind, body, and spirit. Nothing you have done or will do will make him stop. Step one in the Al-Anon program states: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol----that our life had become unmangeable. That's where you are, that's where we all were. I had to accept that my alcoholic didn't drink because of me or inspite of me, didn't drink to relieve stress, didn't stop drinking for our children, didn't stop drinking before or after she lost her job. She drinks because she has no control over this progressive disease.
The disease has an effect on everyone it touches and everyone it comes in contact with. You didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. If that could be done none of us would be here. Let Al-Anon redirect the energy you have spent fighting the disease into recovering from the effects it is causing in your life. You have to start taking care of yourself first. You can learn how to do that by getting involved in an Al-Anon group near you and keep coming back to MIP. In the rooms of Al-Anon and on this board you will find wonderful caring people who are walking or have walked in your shoes that want to give back to you what the program has given them.
I'll finish the way I started, Melissa you are not alone anymore, welcome to the family, keep coming back.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 27th of May 2010 01:24:52 PM
Aloha Kamel...You are qualified to be here and welcome to the board. What worked for me when I was in your shoes was the open meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups which were held in my area; 439 meeting of recovery (AA and Al-Anon) a month. So is this not a problem? Find out where and when the meetins are and come as quickly as you possibly can. When you get in look for and ask for the literature table and get as much information about alcoholism and you and the family as you can. They will most likely have a free beginners packet for you when you sit down and if they don't ask them if they have one for you.
When I first got to the program I could say and possibly spell alcoholism or alcoholic and other than that possibility I knew absolutely nothing. If you hang around the group and listen to the fellowship you will learn all you need to know about it over time. If you are like me (oppositional/defiant and untrusting) you may do what I did to back up what I was hearing in the groups...I went to college on the disease and found out; 1. that the rooms of Al-Anon have all of the information I needed to take care of me and 2. the technical aspects of the disease are important to some others like me also.
I can tell you that in order for your husband to drink progressively like he does he must have the need to. Alcoholism is painful...amoung other parts of the body and the alcoholic's life it causes pain and a desire for the pain to stop which they attempt to anestethize with alcohol setting up a vicious cycle that gets tighter and tighter and more often. When he tries to stop the physical desire to drink will rise and this is called cravings. Most of the time you will have to watch his behavior to get this one because it is in the need to have more and more often which is where he seems to be now. He has the physical need bad along with the psycological and emotional need. Alcohol is the single more important thing in his life. He is both good person, loving father and partner and great guy and alcoholic. You already see the difference.
Glad to have you enter the board and this MIP family. There is so much miraculous Experience Strength and Hope here for you. Keep coming back and check out where the meetings are in your area. Go to the white pages of your local phone book and look for the hotline number for Al-Anon and call. There might be a live voice for you to talk with who will most likely a member or there will be a recording. It's important.
(dosent have the physical need) ? well if hes hiding it from you , I would say he has the need . but what matters is how this is affecting you there is nothing u can do about him or his choices . His drinking has nothing to do with not loving you or your baby , this is a disease and as u said already it is progressing . Please pack up that beautiful baby and find a meeting or two for yourself , you need support from people who have been where your at . Perhaps there is a day time meeting in your area so u dont have to take baby out at nite ... We dont get to decide if they are alcoholic they do , but we can help ourselves by not allowing thier drinking to take over our lives too .
Thank you so much for the advice. I will contact a local group. I am nervous to tell him my plan though because I don't think he sees a problem yet. In fact he just left to go to the store to get a bottle of wine, and I BEGGED him not to go. He just said "it is only wine, I will stop after tonight" Well, I have heard that plenty of times before!!!! I hope he doesnt get mad if I contact a group, but I need to do something...Does anyone know if they usually have babysitting or if I could take her? I will call and ask, but wasnt sure if anyone would know this. It is sometimes hard to find a babysitter. Thank you again!!
Oh, when I said he isn't physically addicted, I was thinking that he doesnt get the shakes or has withdrawals symptoms, but maybe he just isn't to that point yet.
Alcoholics come in all diff shapes and sizes binge drinkers daily drinkers and again it really dosent matter how much he drinks what matters is how it is affecting you .. Al-Anon will help u with that . His drinking is causing you a problem , thats reason enough to get help for yourself . and alcoholics are usually the last ones to admit they have a problem .
Hi, your story sounds so much like mine. Im new here as well but it sounds as if I typed your emails. Im 30 and have three young kids and my "A" started out pretty much the same way. Hes always enjoyed a beer but then I noticed him changing. He started hiding it and drinking almost everyday. I think by my constant yelling and nagging I caused the situation to esculate faster than maybe it would have had I sought out help sooner to understand the disease. He began drinking vodka on the way home from work so that I wouldnt catch him drinking and then it got even worse. I dont blaim myself and you shouldnt either, I just wish I wouldve sought out help sooner. Understanding the disease has helped. My husband just enter rehab two days ago and he will be gone for 6 weeks.It took 9 yrs and 3 car accidents to make him realize he needed help. But him seeking help made me realize that I need to be happy and healthy as well. In alot of ways our "A's" become our addition. Good luck and find a support group, confide in friends, you will be surprised at the support you get.
