The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My need to be with someone right now is overwhelming. I feel so alone, and in my warped thinking, I feel I need to be in a relationship, or at the very least, have sex with someone to make myself feel better. Last night I called an old girlfriend, who came by and we had dinner. I knew where my mind was, thank goodness her's wasn't in the same place. She left, and I sat there in my place, the void in me even larger now. I can see the insanity of that behavior. If I'm with someone right now, it doesn't work because I go back to my standard behavior of getting all my validation and self-worth in the women and the relationship. I give them all the power over me and my emotional state. When they don't treat me the way I want them to, I feel empty and then the obsession kicks in. What can I do to make them want me, like me, be with me.
I spent all morning searching online dating sites. I know why I'm doing this (the pain and loneliness is overwhelming and I want to feel fine RIGHT NOW), and I know I'm just beginning the journey of learning to be love myself and be ok with myself. I don't want to be this way. I'm scared that I always will be this way. I can see what I have become and how I act and what it does to me and my emotional state, not to mention how it effects relationships with women.
Mornings are tough, and I'm trying to be honest with myself and conscience of my behavior that is being driven by feelings I am having that I don't quite fully understand. I know I don't want to keep living in this state, and I know it takes time, work, and support. That's why I'm here, and that's why I'm writing this.
If it helps I too feel lonely I also feel who would want a women with 2 children, etc... I'm understanding and accepting that I need this time to focus solely on myself not only for my sanity but for the sanity of future relationships!!! I deserve to be loved, cared for and respected... If I don't work on myself I will probably end up with another addict and I DO NOT WANT THAT!
Good luck and you're not alone you have your MIP family to vent too = ) We all know what it's like....
__________________
Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
I know when I went through my separation and divorce from my A-wife, I too felt the need to "validate" myself with other women. Fortuneately, I didn't find anyone and discovered that I needed to concentrate on myself first. It wasn't always easy but, for me, it was the right thing to do.
I have found that in order to be comfortable with a woman (and be able to get to know them better), I have to first be comfortable with myself. As I have learned how to self-parent me and truly like myself, I am more open with women than I have ever been in my life. I still haven't found "Miss Right" but know that she is out there somewhere.
"I know why I'm doing this (the pain and loneliness is overwhelming and I want to feel fine RIGHT NOW), and I know I'm just beginning the journey of learning to be love myself and be ok with myself. I don't want to be this way."
This show that you are aware of your problems. Awareness is good and I believe the first step in changing yourself into what you want to be. I was in a similar situation last summer after my ex-gf cheated on me. I contacted several girls from my past (one of them which had turned to the other sex to my great disappointment) and joined a dating site on-line. I even made a move on my contact person in Manpower which gave me a job that summer. It was extremely embarrassing when she said no to me.
For me to change my thinking, to force myself to change was simply not enough. You can see what is wrong and how it should be, but still feel that you can't do anything about it.
Time helped me, and distractions that made me think of other things just for a while, although I hated people saying "time will heal all wounds" or "there is plenty of fish in the sea". To all people out there trying to help people in our situation; "it is like trying to force a drinker to stop drinking, while he or she is drunk.
I hope that by seeing that other people have gone through feeling how you do now and come out stronger on the other side helps a bit.
Writing lists often helps me. Getting my thoughts down on paper and then read it, sometimes make me see things that I'm blind to while it's just in my head.
If you could get to a Al-Anon face to face meeting that could be very helpful. I could wish I had found Al-Anon earlier. I believe it could have saved me allot of pain.
Reading about detachment and co-dependency can improve your understanding of what's happening to you, but in order to get the Al-Anon program to work for you, you need to work it.
If you do this, you will see that with time, you will learn to do things completely for your own sake. You are a person worth taking care of.
It helps me to repeat the serenity prayer. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" What is it that I cannot change? For me this almost always involve another person. Accepting that I cannot change another person is hard. I have tried to do this so many times. I may change another persons thinking, but never the way I want to.
It always backfires. This can easily make me try a different approach and I enter a never-ending cycle where I make myself feel more and more frustrated or down because I don't seem to be able to accomplish the things I aim for.
"Courage to change the things I can" Now, what can I change? This is only myself. I decide myself whether I can do important things today, or put it off until tomorrow. I can always work on myself. And with the help of my HP let go of the things that will only drain me of energy; the things I cannot change.
"The wisdom to know the difference". This is the hardest bit of the prayer for me. Because I sometimes can't trust my own head. I can twist and turn things in a way that I justify things into being about me when they're not. But my ways of lying to myself IS something I can change.
I really wish the best for you and hope that you will, by working it, start to feel peaceful and calmer.
Keep coming back. Be open to the program and it will work for you too.
Are
-- Edited by Cosmos on Thursday 27th of May 2010 10:45:31 AM
__________________
If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
When I read your post what came to mind were the titles of the two Al-Anon books we use for the programs in our f2f meetings...."One Day At A Time" and "Courage To Change". I "learned" in the program I had to "unlearn" my old way of thinking, all the things that I had been doing over and over and getting the same result. My sponsor reminded me that this is a one day at a time program, and I had to have the courage to change my old ways that were not working. It didn't happen overnight, it took practice. I'm a little like you, I was a "now" person, if something needed to change I always felt like I wanted it to change yesterday, not today or tomorrow. When I realized that is not how the program works and changes would happen in HP's time not mine....my life got better....one day at a time.
Progress not perfection, because thank goodness this program is a journey not a destination.
wow, I can really relate to ur post here bc I acted in the same ways. I think I was addicted to being in love, and the idea of that, as well as being addicted to specific people... but after X amount of time with someone, I could transfer the love addiciton to others. I did get all of my validation from them and esteemed myself through the relationship.
When u obsess on someone - they can feel it, when ur apart. We also put our demands on them, like call me constantly to reassure me and I didnt have boundaries - so a healthy person wont tolerate that. What happens is you attract an unhealthy partner and the relationship is often toxic to you both, u trigger and feed into each other. I used to have people in my lasar beam, as it were bc that was how it felt - I totally fixated on them.
Im sure u know that casual sex wont fill up any void in you, it often makes the void feel bigger. Practise loving YOU and get to know yourself. If you are looking to get validation, love from someone else - it will feel like u are needy and clinging to them. That scares people and they dont feel safe around us. When someone is secure, peaceful, doesnt try to change them and accepts them as they are - that is what we all want to experience, it feels good and u keep going back for more. It is a totally different experience then being bonded thru dysfunction and demands.
I wanted to be the sort of person I wanted to attract. That is what I worked on. i wanted to be dynamic and interesting and secure in myself. The truth is - if u are looking to others for your peace, happiness, love or validation - it will always be contingent on them - what if they are in a bad mood or not a giving one, ur are stuck and feeling terribly about yourself. Focus on YOU and love you first, then u wont be trying to get that from others and everything will be better in your relationships.
Ive been with my bf now for 3 years and we have been living together for 1.5 yrs. I still practise not asking him a lot of questions (or try hard to) bc I dont want to meddle, he has to make choices that are good for him. In fact right now, he contunues to meddle in my head, life and activities and he is only beginning to understand that questioning me - feels like policing, monitoring. I have to make my own choices and his interference does not effect me positively. I continue to detach and not react but some days it isnt so easy. I could sit there and focus on what he is not doing and be disappointed him (like he does with me) - we ahve talked about this - what is the upside or benefit for either of us? He didnt like it when I said, I could do that to him and be expressing my discontent and disappointment daily. Well, he didnt like that idea! lol So I think he is beginning to get it and mind his own business and deal with his life.
When we focus on each other, we are taken away from the God connection and we take our attention away from what we could be doing for our own lives. YOU are the only person u can control or change. Be the person you want to attract, work on you and what you can change and it will get better.
What you focus on grows, so focus on what will make u feel better - not what you dont have - as that will only increase the pain you're in. Take care of YOU whatver that looks like.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
My marriage was not what the picture of what a relationship should be like in any way, shape or form. Except I know we love/loved each other, but that is it. I tried my hardest to be the perfect mate and well no one is perfect and his idea of what a perfect mate should be was ever changing.
I left that relationship and entered into one that I was so sure was going to be healthy. It was healthier than my marriage, but I still need to work on me and I still brought me into the relationship. Also my picker is still broken and I didn't pick someone who was healthy or ready to experience a healthy relationship. I picked an "A" in recovery and soon found out that his program wasn't enough to keep him sober.
I am up and running in the mornings so the mornings are great for me. I struggle at night. I miss having someone next to me at night and I miss being held amoungst other things.
I am very independent and for the most part I don't feel the need to be in a relationship yet I long to experience a true loving relationship. So right now I am focusing on loving myself. I also started praying to my HP to help me 1) be patient and 2) to find the right one. I know right now the focus is getting me healthy. If I want to be in a healthy relationship then I need to work on being the best me I can be.
Focus on you. You'll find her when you're ready or she'll find you.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
