Manipulations - Al-Anon Family Group

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Manipulations

barisax · Senior Member

I still have that morbid curiosity that sometimes drives me to look where I shouldn't. My ex-wife came up as a "Friend suggestion" on facebook, and even listed the mutual friends we have in common (i.e. the kids and their families). I got a kick out of that. I probably came up as a suggestion for her too, and she probably got a kick out of it too especially since I don't use my real name on FB, but she'd recognize my picture for sure. LOL. So far neither of us has been morbidly curious enough to "friend" the other, I even deleted her from the suggested friends on my side.

My current wife isn't on FB, doesn't want to be... but seems like everyone else in her family is... so they are all on my friend list causing dozens of more suggestions for people I have no clue who they are.

I found some people from high school on FB. Actually I found one... a girl I knew all the way back to grade school, that I ran into at a meeting back in the early 90s. She's one of us. She was cool, and now I know what "cool" really means... she's a psycho just like most women I'm attracted to. LOL. I found her on FB, and three more on her friend list. I felt fortunate that I'm not on FB under my real name. I searched under my real name and there are dozens, including a pro body builder.

I've been doing this on-line thing since waaay before there was a World Wide Web, and the term "social networking" hadn't even been coined. None of it is new, it's just a new facade. I was on usenet... well, not when Armstrong walked on the moon, but when Ronald Reagan was still in office.

It does make for interesting relationships and arguments. A non face-to-face argument allows you to craft your reply carefully, proofread it, carefully measure each point and zinger, review your intent - all before any of it is heard or seen. Pretty cool.

It also allows for some degree of anonymity, if you're willing to protect it. FB seems to encourage you to provide as much personal info as possible, so they can market crap to you. I already have enough crap and enough marketing, thank you. Let it all go into the dumpster of an anonymous email account.

Barisax (yeah, it's not my name but I really do play one. not very well, but I really do)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Ugly Ugly post Mandy...I mean it was well written but the picture it painted was ugly!!
It reminded me of what I got myself into two weeks ago...my relapse and how my
written 10th step is coming. There was manipulations; more intentional and practiced
on my part than on the other guys and that he didn't have to wiggle the bait much
for me to swarm all over him with a need to inform, fortify and fix him. The obsessive
compulsion to get my self esteem inflated including my ego and pride from turning
my life over to something I have no responsibility for, no authority to and wasn't
asked in the first place. You were asked so maybe the bait was more inviting and
the compulsion is still very alive. Tonight a group member just so happened to have
an e-copy of Bill W's talk on Emotional Recovery...just so happened and she left it
with me. My HP works in cunning and powerful and baffling ways and tonight HP's
tool was a short, nicely recovering, Filipina member of my home group. I got the
message...now back to practice.

Good work with the phone call tool. ((((hugs)))) smile

blender_girl · Senior Member

Well done, (((Miss Mandy)))!!!

You did an excellent job of taking care of you - you saw what was happening and changed your behavior!

Thanks for posting a great example of how well the program works if you work it!

hugs in recovery,

bg

hopeforme · Member

Oh boy, I did the "I'll just check his Face Book to see if he's ok" thing, too!! My AEx Boyfriend called me in a paranoid, crazy place and I had end the conversation. But I was worried about him, so I checked his Face Book to see if he had any posts. I was worried that he had harmed himself.

Previously, I had refused his friend request, but I could type in his name to find him. A couple days after the crazy phone call he had pictures of him and his nephew on a flying excursion- happy, having fun He's ok, that's for sure. :) He was just manipulating me in the phone call- doing anything he could to "get to me."

The thing is that I then became obsessed with checking his Face Book. Ten times a day. I had to ask my HP to remove the obsession. It was making me crazy. Thankfully, I stopped, which has given me some peace. Every time I think about checking, I remember how counterproductive and crazy it made me feel. Sometimes when I feel angry at him or just wishing he would magically stop drinking I realize that I am just as sick and obsessed as he is- just in a different way, which turns my anger and magical thinking into compassion.

odat...

Hope

-- Edited by hopeforme on Thursday 27th of May 2010 08:19:01 AM

-- Edited by hopeforme on Thursday 27th of May 2010 08:20:42 AM

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

awesome Mandy! I think it is okay to take the bait, once in a while - bc u will see it is always the same old thing. Now u are seeing the line. You took the bait/slipped -but- I think the lil slips are important, it allows us to learn, define what we need and re-evaluate what we are doing in program and our lives. Once I began to base my decisions on how I was left feeling in the end - it got so much easier to make the difficult changes and say no. Its a boundary, its self protection & self preservation.

Remember always, always that an A will try to stomp on our boundaries at every turn. The are the most inappropriate people on the planet. Step back even further from your boundary and allow you the chance to -when u seee something like this coming at you again - so u are detached and removed from it - and laugh. You dont even have to get mad bc they always try. So just LOL and think -not this time- or nice try there buddy lol.

They can push our buttons all they want and they will - no need to give permisison, its a given. Accept that reality. The games they play ARE laughable and desperate. For me, when I began to work on self love - the negative things ppl threw at me, didnt have the same effect bc I no longer believed what they were saying to me or about me. Remember, it is (usally) them transferring their own feelings onto us, to see if we will take it from them and own their feelings. (Like we used to b4 alanon).

I was tired of getting irritable and being pushed around - by my own triggers or buttons. When I'd see something that really bugged me - ie from another, guilting or manipualting me - first i would say no - maintain my boundary but still be angered. I began giving things that upset me, less energy - so they couldnt affect me as much, and that has worked. I also trace it - like see why it bothers me, logically tell myself that my reaction is too big for the response (which was often the case) and that helped too. So now, when the manipualtive feeling hits me (from them) I can immedialtey step back from it - recognize it for what it is, not take it seriously and I'm not bothered - I can laugh. Its like my boundary before the boundary lol.

Rememmer too that he will likely always try to upset you bc then he has the justification that the problem is yours and not his. (Is he the father of ur kids?) if so then u will always have some sort of a relationship, even if it isnt friendly per se. So, there is a relationship even if it is - removed/distanced and it doesnt matter if he uses that word. It has no magic power.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Mandy,

I have been told that the A's in our lives are twice as smart are we are, and always two steps ahead of us. Some truth to that statement for me anyway. I have fallen for the lies. I have fallen for the manipulation. I have fallen for the poor, poor me stories. But there is a difference between falling and slipping. I still fall from time to time, but the falls are not as hard, don't hurt as much, and I can pick myself up quicker than before...only because of the program. Slips are going to happen, and I certainly have my share of them. But thank goodness for the program that holds me up when I slip and keeps me from falling. Slips don't leave bruises and scars...falls do.

Mandy you didn't fall...you slipped and your program caught you...it works if you work it.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 27th of May 2010 11:03:07 AM

-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 27th of May 2010 11:05:05 AM

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Great awareness.

Only when I can name my triggers can I stop being over reactive and work on detaching.

I could not do Facebook at all. I've been there done that with overinvolvement on the web with people who trigger my abandoment, deprivation and isolation issues. I know the dance well. I also know I have a choice these days.

The way I have learned to let go of t he ex A is to not know. The less I know the better. I must say it sounds like you know the ex A's issues more than you know your own. I lived, ate, breathed slept the ex A's catastrophe's. When I stopped he was horrified but he lives on. I don't doubt he has new people to manipulate and blame for everything he is interchangeable that way.

Maresie.

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