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I'm not sure where to start really... My Mum died on Monday, she was 64 and an alcoholic, she died of liver failure and I am so confused as I have no idea of how to feel? She has been an alcoholic all of my life I guess although as a kid I didn't notice as much but the problems got worse as I reached my teens, our relationship was very up and down but generally we kept in touch and fought about her drinking and I begged her to get help, tried everything but she refused to see the problem. 5 years ago I got a call from my brother to say she was dying and I should come home ( I live some 125 miles from family with my own family) I drover home with my then teenage daughter in tow to find her in a coma type state, I asked the Drs what they were doing to help and they basically said "Say your goodbyes, there is nothing to be done, she will NOT recover, she has a bleed into the brain and her liver is shot to pieces" I refused to accept this, she was 59 so I insisted they at least put up a drip and we sat with her and she opened her eyes and the first person she saw was my daughter and she knew her name but she was very confused about alot of stuff but Drs still insisted she would be dead in hours and just to get prepared but I kept talking to her and she defied the odds and survived, sadly she needed ursing care and on her 60th Birthday we had to move her to a ursing home but slowly she recovered her senses and stuff and we got physio for her and she was walking with a stick in weeks and then we got her into a rehab, in this time she was sober and for the first time in over 30 years I had a Mum, it was heaven (those months are so precious to me) BUT she was living with this guy who was a loser and a drinker and as he realised she wasn't going to die and would return to her flat that my Dad bought for her (they divorced after 35 years, he just couldn't take it anymore) but she still cared for her and would visit regularly. Anyway slowly but surely he weedled his way around her and her attitude to us changed which was so odd as she and my little brother had always been close despite the drink problems (he used to spoon feed her in hospital and sit with her for hours every day reminding her of stuff) I continued to trek back and forth but she was becoming distant and Nurses commented that he shut the door to her room when he visited ( we later learned he was bringing her vodka!) and by the time she was in rehab and ready to go home I knew the drinking would start again and within 2 weeks she was phoning me at all hours drunk accusing me of putting her away and saying that my brother had stolen from her, I had power of attorney and could account for every penny that had been used and in fact my brother who could barely afford it was out of pocket as he was always buying her little treats, turns out the guy she lived with had one of her cards and was drawing cash out. I went to the flat and took back her paperwork which she had demanded in a vicious letter and never saw her again, she died 2 days ago and it turns out she had married this guy who is now the proud owner of a flat, car and cash that was originally left in trust for her grandkids. I REALLY don't care about that part but that she was in hospital dying and her never even had the decency to tell one of us she was dying makes me want to kill him, we only found out she was dead as her sister had been contacted otherwise we would be none the wiser, he won't even tell us about her funeral arrangements. I some ways my Mum died the day she went back to drinking as I told her I couldn't bear to see her go through that again and she had to stop but now shes gone I don't know what I feel......................
Welcome to MIP you are certainly in the right place. I am so very sorry for the loss of your Mom and the pain that this horrible disease of alcoholism has inflicted on you and your family.
Alanon and this Board helped me to ease the sadness, anger, fear, and anxiety caused by dealing with this disease.
Please try to find an alanon face to face meeting in your community The group office is listed in the white pages of the telephone book. We also have a 24/7 open chat and online meetings here as well.
You are not alone and there is help
Please keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 26th of May 2010 06:28:17 PM
I am very sorry for the loss of your mum. We understand as we have lived through it and a lot of us even grew up in it too. You are not alone here. I hope u will give alanon a try - the support is palpable and the love we all feel for each other. We have a chat room too and mtgs in there, if u ever want to attend or just come in to chat, please do.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Aloha KateKat...You're feeling numb and that is a normal feeling for all the years you have put in with alcoholism. Children, family, friends and associates of the alcoholic forget how to feel after a while and that includes honest remorse and sadness for the passing of the alcoholic. You've been thru alot and this is like being shell shocked.
If you can get to an open Al-Anon meeting or Adult Children of Alcoholics Al-Anon meeting go as early as you can. There is support and mutual understanding there as well as there is here. It has been a rough long time for you and it's okay now to let us love you until you can relearn how to love yourself. Be gentle with yourself and let all the other stuff go for the moment. There is lots of time to handle it later.
Thank you all for your messages, I have found where there are meetings locally so when I'm up to it I will go along, when she was alive I tried a couple of times but I found it hard to admit to others she had a problem, people keep offering me sympathy and I feel a bit of a fraud as she wasn't like Mums should be and we weren't close for the last couple of years when she returned to the drink, when people asked me what she died of and I say Liver failure the look on their faces is enough to tell me that they know what she was......
(((( Katkat )))) yes, most people who are aware, definetely do have a clue or know. Nonetheless, losing a parent is difficult bc we come to terms with our own lives (I think). Growing up in dysfunctional families, we carry the shame through the "secrets". Being honest with yourself and getting it out, in a safe alanon setting (where it is approapriate and we all understand) is so very cathartic and freeing. We have meetings online in the chat room, if u arent up to be around people.
Take extra special care of YOU during this grieving and processing time. Know u are not alone.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I say Liver failure the look on their faces is enough to tell me that they know what she was......
Dear Katekat
Please try al anon meetings again. You are not alone there. No one will look at you strange when you tell your story. They have been there!!!!. They know the pain and sadness of dealing with this monster of a disease with inadequate tools.
The isolation, guilt, sadness and anger of living with this disease can be freely discussed at meetings. There is healing in so doing and you deserve this healing touch.
Please always remember that Alcoholism is a disease and that by dealing with it we become ill too. Your Mom had a terminal illness and was not a bad person
Welcome! I just wanted to make a comment. You stated that you went to a few meetings but that you were embarrassed. I have learned not to be. Alchoholism is a disease. It affects millions of people. My son while in high school, had a friend who's Mother was a terrible alcoholic and he and I were talking one night. He made a statement that I have never forgotten. He said, "She may be an alcoholic, she may not be a good person, but she IS my Mom and she is the only Mom I will ever have." I never understood, until I went through the progression of alcoholism with my AH. You are not alone here. Keep coming back.
Take what you like, leave the rest.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Once again Thank you. I went to see my daughter tonight to tell her that her Nan had died and she was devastated and the grief was so overwhelming, I was ashamed by my own feelings of judgment towards my Mum as she had none of that, she just said that Nan was too weak to fight and drank because she couldn't help it. I was astounded at her level of understanding and love for a woman whom to her was simply Nan. When I explained that we had been told that she didn't want us there at the end she didn't see it as punishment but more as Mums way of going without putting us through yet more pain, I'm not really sure thats the case as I knew my Mums level of thinking and she was very bitter in the last 12 months of her life but I think that if thats how Bea sees it then she should be allowed to. Her memories of Mum are much more bitter sweet than ours as we'd all grown up with it but Bea had this bond with my Mum that was very special, she always adored Bea as she was her first Grandchild and for many years was the only beneficiary of her will. I'd like to be able to give Bea something of Mums for her to remember her by but I have nothing and no access to her things, she has asked about the funeral but again I have no answers. Maybe we'll do a little something of our own for her when things settle.
Katekat I am glad your daughter has a different view of the situation. It would be wonderful for you and your family to do a memorial for your mother when you feel up to it. Maybe by then things will settle out and you will be able to have something imortant to pass on to your daughter.
Thanks Betty, I have considered this and in time maybe we will. We all seem to have differing emotions, today I'm fine, no tears or sad feelings really apart from when my daughter posted a pic of the two of us (my daughter and me not Mum) on FB and I was reminded of how Mums and daughters should be, we were both trying the same style dress on and she is giggling and in the second that she took the shot I was looking slightly away from the camera and look so much like my Mum that it took my breath away when I first saw the photo. I never shared a moment in my whole life like that with my Mum, how pathetic is that? I struggle to find good memories as they are all so tainted by the bad stuff, my brothers are feeling much the same, my Dad is sad as he feels he should have done more but with 3 kids to look after and a full time job what could he do, she'd only scream and throw stuff if he approached the subject anyway. My Mums half sister has been in touch, she has been trying to find out when the funeral is but Mums husband says he doesn't know yet even though shes been dead a week and the cause of death was clear so no need for a post mortem, he claims he has to wait for her will to come from the solicitor before making any decisions, we all know its bullshit, he doesn't want anyone there as everyone knows the part he played in her final years and without him she would still be here today
