(((((Kat))))) <----hugs
Welcome to MIP....you are so in the right place.

First it isn't about loving you or not loving you. He has a disease. A cunning, baffling and powerful disease. The disease is progressive and doesn't care about you, the kids...nothing but feeding itself. I know after periods of sobriety my "A" when he relapsed he was always so very hard on himself because he knew there was a better way.

They point out what is wrong with us so they don't have to look at themselves. Not saying we are perfect, but that is all a part of the disease protecting itself. Of course your the bad guy you want him to stop the one thing that is making him feel "better", but it isn't and he knows it.

What can you do? Nothing for him. You didn't CAUSE it. You can't CONTROL it. You can't CURE it. (Those are the 3 C's of Al-anon). It's hard, but try not to take it personally. Remember that you do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. Don't protect him. Allow him the dignity of seeing the consequences of his actions. Don't try and cushion his bottom.

What you can do is for you. Get to Al-anon meetings. Start taking care of you. Learn what you can about Alcoholism. Get yourself a support system (you are off to a good start by coming here).

Come here as often as you need to. There is plenty of experience, strength and hope for you to take.

Yours in recovery,
Mandy

((Kat)),

There was an atricle in the Forum (the Al-anon monthly magazine) that helped me really picture the disease. A woman wrote in saying that she was able to see her "A" in the claws of a dragon. Everytime she reached out to try to help her "A" the dragon would breathe fire, use it's tail to hit her, try to bite her anything to hurt her and keep her "A" in it's grasp. After this I stopped trying to battle the dragon.

I am not syaing don't give up hope, but put your efforts where they are really going to be helpful.....working on you. You're worth it.

Mandy

Please get a hold of the book offered above Getting them Sober.  That book will give you a general idea what your choices are.

maresie.

OK, I ran to the bookstore and bought that book Getting Them Sober, going to start reading now.

I read the entire book last night. Excellent book! It helped me to understand my thinking. I love the part about me being addicted to him. That makes so much sense. Already, I have been able to change my behaviour. I feel so much better. I also love the part about they need us more than we need them. Because, that was my fear! I thought he would leave me. What a stupid thing to worry about. We live in different states and I have a trip planned to go there a week from today. He keeps texting me asking me to please not cancel my trip. I haven't threatened him, but I only said, and said it once, to let me know when he is going back to AA, and has a new sponser then I will make the decision if I am still going to visit. I woke up to 13 text messages this morning from him. They went from nasty, to sweet, to begging me to still come visit. What a weird thing! In the first messages I was a horrible person, a cheater. Then it went on to messages that said, "hey, are you quitting on me" Then to I miss my baby. To, "please don't cancel your trip," to "I'm sober baby, please don't cancel your trip." So, I sent a message back, ignored the other messages and said, "Let me know when you have a new sponser, and are back in the program." He said, he was. Don't really know if it's a lie or not. I am thinking he hasn't done that yet. Because he is only texting, not calling. But, I didn't say anything about it. I just text back and said, "gotta take my kids to school, now have a good day." I didn't say I would call him, or I would let him know when I was back. I basically am trying to keep myself focused on other things today. I have been spending days now worrying about him being drunk. What a waste of my time! I get it now how this can work. My last boyfriend was a alcoholic, he never admitted it, was getting dui's, hiding bottles, etc. I would search for the bottles, yell at him, kick him out, let him back in, etc. Finally, I was going so crazy, I broke up with him. So, when this one came along, I was so happy that I was going to have a relationship with someone that has already admitted his problem, and was involved in AA. Never pictured that he would start drinking again! So, with him, I have never been in that crazy mode. I think getting through this the right way the first time will set the tone for what I am willing to accept or not. Not sure where to go from here, but I will just see what happens each day.

Thanks. I keep finding myself wondering why I haven't heard from him again yet today. I almost sent a text!! But, I didn't. I went out, got a pedicure, went to the tanning bed, and then went and bought a couple of summer dresses. For me, I think I have to remember that part about me being addicted to him. I think when I think of it that way, I don't send the text, don't pick up the phone. I guess it really doesn't matter if he is drinking or not. Maybe he will get low enough and feel like no one is there for him? I hope so. There really isn't anyone else he has that will try to fix him. He lives with his 18 year old son. (Who is probably enjoying this, because that means he can probably drink too.) His parents are both deceased. He knows he cana't last like this long, because he isn't going to work. And if he doesn't have work, he doesn't have money, and without money he won't be able to have food, or keep a roof. Anyway, just my thoughts on how the drinking might be what he needs right not to realize his world can't work this way. Only time will tell. I'm sure I will know if anything changes without me needing to call and check on things. Plus, I get the feeling that he is a little confused about my behaviour. Because prior to yesterday, I was engaging in the crap he said, crying over him, feeling sorry for myself, calling him, leaving message after message. So, I did start that crazy behaviour, and I cannot let that happen again. I hate myself when I get like that, and I stop caring about myself, my job, and my kids. I have had that experience in my past relationship, where the "A" was the center of my universe and it was always about if he was drinking or not. His drinking dictated everything. I promised myself I would never allow that to happen to me again. Also, I have been praying every time I feel weak. It is helping me to stay focused.