The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For anyone that is in al-anon that has either been in AA first or gotten there afterward ... how do you know if your own alcohol consumption is a problem?
Well, many people wonder if they are an alcoholic. Many people who have raised their hands as an alcoholic and stayed sober for years - question it and start drinking again.
But your question really is the answer. My drinking is causing me a problem . . . call it/me what you want - alcoholic, heavy drinker, problem drinker - drinking is causing me a problem. If I could drink with no problem - then I wouldn't be in AA.
I just had to get to the point where I didn't want it anymore. I was asked recently what I thought about my sobriety. I am very glad I don't have to worry about a cop pulling me over anymore, or killing myself, my daughter, or others while driving drunk. I am really happy I don't have to wake up hungover and full of guilt and shame. I am really glad I am no longer making a fool out of myself in front of others. I am more glad for that than my desire for a drink.
Am I an alcoholic . . . or so I am told. I don't really care "what" I am, I am just glad I am sober. Will I ever drink again? Who knows, not today. The desire has been removed. Actually, the thought of drinking sounds repulsive to me.
Now . . . as for the Al-Anon view. Is someone else's drinking a problem for you, regardless of whether it is a problem for them or not . . . ?
tlc
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic.
There are the 20 questions, various descriptions, the difference between the heavy drinker and the true alcoholic....it goes on and on
If you truly have a desire for an overwhelming plethora of information, questions to ask yourself, AND if this is for yourself, PM me and I will direct you to the required reading (it's not THAT bad, I just tend to give too much information)
Aloha WRabbit...for me it was finally taking my own assessment of my drinking habits and history...searching and fearless and openminded and then having that assessment reviewed by the head nurse on the adult rehab section of the program I worked in, that did it for me. It was somebody, not myself doing the review and making the suggestion and that was after 9 years of not drinking as a member of the Al-Anon Family Groups because I also married the women I drank with and tried to teach them how to do it properly...trouble was I had reached "toxic shock" on several occasions "doing it properly by myself". The short of it was I was guided into AA for real and for myself or the "next time I drank I died."
The searching, fearless, openminded, assessment was key for me. (((hugs)))
I am not a dual member, but have heard several AA speakers state that if you are asking yourself the question of whether or not you have a problem with alcohol, maybe you do!
Go sit in some open AA meetings and see if it feels like the right place for you too.
I was in alanon for three years before it dawned on me that my drinking was causing me problems and that my life was unmanageable. I went to AA. I do not regret it. I always thought that if people drank more than me they had the problem, this is not the case. I drank more than enough to cause myself difficulties, hence I am a double winner.
I didn't start drinking until I was 18, but I was born qualified for Alanon. And I now believe I was born an alcoholic. Either that or experiences in my early life shaped me into an alcoholic personality - but I can remember pretty far back, and my selfish alcholic thinking was always there from my earliest memories.
When I got sober, I tried to get my wife to go to Alanon. She did, for a short while. She decided that it wasn't her problem. Alcoholic mother, sister, daughter, and two husbands - it's their problem not hers.
Hard to say exactly when I was ready for Alanon. I made several attempts. My fathers alcoholism was long long ago. Having an active alcoholic daughter drove me to try Alanon off and on, but she wasn't living with me any more. I really felt I was in the wrong room. My divorce had me seeking the comfort you don't always get from AA. I didn't feel like the back-slapping, ain't-it-grand-the-wind-stopped-blowin alcoholics shared my pain. I saw some common ground in the worried faces and tear filled eyes of Alanon for the first time - even though my non-alcoholic wife was the catalyst. I've often joked that there should be an Alanonanon for people whose lives are affected by untreated codependency. Some of my deepest issues come not from the alcoholics in my life but my codependent mother and first wife.
But without sobriety, it would all be just so much static and noise. I couldn't hear the message while I was drinking. AA got me sober, saved my life, taught me to laugh, have friends, be responsible. But I feel my serenity comes from Alanon. It was the last piece of the puzzle, and I couldn't rush it.
I'm ambivalent about the term "double winner". Double gifted perhaps. I don't feel like I've "won" anything. That would imply that my recovery was my own doing, or the result of a lottery. It's a gift - and I needed to only be willing to receive it and to pass it on.
I've often joked that there should be an Alanonanon for people whose lives are affected by untreated codependency. Some of my deepest issues come not from the alcoholics in my life but my codependent mother and first wife.
I'll be the first one at that meeting raising my hand, this statement rings true for me as well, My Father (drank alcoholically, emotional honesty and stability but physical neglect) caused some damage but it's easy to see he did his best, it took some years, some very unskilled ninth step stuff ("I am sorry for this this and this but the truth is it was all your fault", hey I was new, but it all turned out for the best and started a ten year cycle that lead to forgiveness and understanding, once I figured him out ten years later, the ten years since our relationship has been a wonderful one) but my mother (screaming codependent and daily alcoholic) is the one that didn't hesitate to throw me under the bus, strangely enough, not for her alcoholism, that I knew how to deal with, but her codependency, I mean threaten her alcoholism and she'd lash out nasty as all get out, but she was methodical and merciless in her using of others in order to further her codependency agenda.
It's hard to explain without writing a novel, but my bottom around codependency was more painful and more confusing then my alcoholic bottom, and I lost more when I got sucked into her "machine", life savings, relationship, home, own business, 4 years of my life, and mental health, plus I drank it got so bad which I have to admit didn't help things at the end of the day, and that was after years of sobriety, AA and working a pretty good program.
The Sad, scary thing, you know how we grow up and date/marry our mothers? I keep ending up with her mother, a woman so vile she would have Endora (the mother in law) from Bewitched barking in admiration before she ran for her life and called for the Police.
I fear codependency more then heroin, alcohol, cocaine, or a man with a gun, it has wrought more damage and caused more pain then anything else in my life, and like alcoholic insanity, it's contagious.
I caught it and it bout kilt me
-- Edited by AGO on Thursday 27th of May 2010 12:35:55 PM
My mother wasn't an alcoholic, or a raging codependent. She was and still is a very educated, rational, good-hearted person. What drove me nuts and engaged conflict with her growing up was her constant desire to "look good", and place other people above herself. Even after she divorced my dad, and technically had no need to cover up for him anymore, she took to doing the same with me - even though I had yet to take a drink.
She was the type of person who made sure there was a present under the Christmas tree from everybody to everybody. If a barely-known relative happened to be in town, on Christmas morning as Aunt Whatshername was opening a present, Mom would nudge me and say "this one is from you". That kind of stuff. It may seem harmless to many but it always gave me this creepy feeling of dishonesty.
I inherited some of these traits. Not the Christmas present thing, but I did want my family to look good. I didn't want my kids getting in trouble. I didn't want the neighbors harrassing me over stuff the kids did. But they did over stuff my wife AND kids did. My wife wasn't like my mother, or my grandmother. She was aloof and a rebel especially when someone else (me) could take the consequences. I once did a "shit sandwich" analogy on various people in my life - i.e. how they would react to being served one, if they'd eat it or not, what they might say. It wasn't until long after my divorce and therapy, that I realized the answer for my ex wife: she'd hand it to me and say, "Can you eat this?"
I really felt like I was the codependent in our relationship and she was the alcoholic. I know that sounds odd, and maybe even a bit of denial. I was certainly an active alcoholic for half of the marriage. But I can't think of any time she covered for me, but I can sure think of a lot of times I covered for her.
It's a strange world. It was the divorce that sent me to Alanon, more so than my then active alcoholic daughter or my long-dead alcoholic father. Via that step, I was finally able to forgive my father, have a wonderful no-secrets relationship with my daughter, and I have a better relationship with my mother today than ever. Not that it was ever bad, but I no longer rail at her behavior. We even joke about it sometimes.
