The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is Mike, and at the prodding of my therapist, I am going to get involved with my local Al-Anon meetings. I want to reach out to this community as well. I've read a few posts, and I like the how honest and expressive people are, and also that people respond with kindness, blunt truth, and empathy
When my therapist told me that I am displaying classic co-dependent behavior of a person who struggles with living and controlling an alcoholic, I was shocked. The thing is, I'm not married, don't live with an alcoholic, am not one myself.
I grew up with a "dry drunk" father, who was very controlling and domineering. I based my whole self-worth and personal validation on how he felt towards me. I carried this behavior into my marriage (I got married at 20 to a women who adored and worshipped me, and then switched my validation from my father to her). She then cheated on me after 10 years of marriage, and I hit rock bottom. I slept with multiple women, did drugs, basically fell apart.
I recently thought I was ready to seriously date again, and met a wonderful women. However, those feelings of insecurity and fear came up after 7 months of dating. I was once again putting all my self-worth and validation in this new relationship. Being that I married young, I never learned to be an individual on my own and knowing how to be an individual while growing a relationship. Once she said "I love you" to me, I became completely paranoid and fearful that I would lose her and the validation she gave me. I began to want to control her behavior by looking at her phone, email, diary, anything I could get my hands on to see what she was up to. I was so afraid that she would cheat on me, leave me, hurt me, and I couldn't let that happen. She being an emotionally healthy person, was able to figure out I was putting all my eggs in her and the relationship, and proceeded to try to end it many times. I was smooth enough to talk her back into it (checking email and Facebook to see what she was saying to friends and others so I could manipulate what I told her to make her think everything was ok).
Things finally came to a head last week when she discovered I was in her email. She kicked me to the curb, and now for the first time in my whole life, I am alone, afraid, not knowing who I am or how to handle this. I continually obsess about her and constantly tell myself "I'll change, and then she'll take me back". I am aware this is flawed thinking, and am desperately trying to let go of the illusions that I have control and power over her, let alone myself.
Is there anyone else out there that is dealing with similar issues? I really enjoy reading the advice on behaviors and healthy thinking that everyone is doing here. Thanks for reading my post, and I will be around to connect with all of you as I go through this scary but important path in my life.
I can certainly relate to your share and know how painful it is to find that I lost myself by focusing so much on others.
The alanon program understands only to well how we have been affected by this disese of alcoholism. The tools we picked up as children, living in a home affected by alcoholism worked for us as children : Focus on everyone else do not let people close, read people's minds, manipulate them to do what we want, deny reality and pretend everything is fine , are just a few of the tools i used.
These tools did not work well in the adult word and I crashed . I tried many other options but nothing worked so I found alanon meetings and picked up the simple tools offered. Much to my surprise, I did have a self and alanon gave me the tools to live successfully in this world with courage serenity and wisdom.
Some of the tools are: Meetings, Living One Day at A Time, Focusing on Yourself, Sharing, geting a sponser, and working the 12 Steps. I found that this program kept me so busy I did not have the time to worry about others.
I am glad you have decided to attend meetings and post here. We also have on line meetings every day and the chat room is open 24/7.
You are not alone and this program works so please keep coming back
I related to your post. I am sure you will hear that from a lot of us.
I met my "A" when I was 19 and spent almost 12 years with him. He became my everything and I became obsessed with becoming the perfect woman for him because then maybe he would then he would stop using. Well that didn't work out too well.
My divorce was final in March, but I met somone just two months after my hub and I were seperated. Again.....I wanted to be the perfect woman for this man and again I found myself with another "A", but this one was in recovery.
Everything was different and new and I felt loved for just being me for the first time with a man. He relapsed recently and ended it. I was heart broken, and I am healing from it. Looking back now I can see that I wasn't completely healthy. I was afraid to say things in fear of making him angry. I also checked his FB to see who he was talkign to or added to his page.
Right now today I am focused on my recovery. I am focused on truly loving me for the first time. I can give myself the love and validation that I am looking for. I also have surrounded myself with great friends who truly love me and accept me.
I am working on becoming the type of person that I want to attract.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Thank you for your note. I see exactly now that I was acting in the same way; wanting to be perfect for my new gf, worried that I was not "the one" for her. My constant obsession with how she felt about me, and the fear of not being able to act accordingly to her to keep her in my life, led me to behave like I always do; in fear of being alone and willing to go to almost any length to control our relationship so I can keep it.
I know that everything is still fresh in my world, the break-up just happened last Thursday. Every day, I find myself cutting and releasing something else that I was holding onto in regards to not only this relationship, but also others (my father, my ex-wife, etc.) I am so grateful that I have been led here to this group. I send you all my thanks for the help and hope I know I will receive from all of you.
welcome to this group. I found thiis place a few years ago and the resources, warmth, support and caring I have found here have taken me through many situations.
I am certainly single at the moment and for once not phobic about it. I no longer feel lonely, desperate or in a great hurry to meet someone and rush into a relationship. I'm not adverse to them but my plate is very full at the moment and self suffiency is key for me these days. I gave away all my power to a relationship most of my life and had volatile, emotional and non nuturing relationships. Now I have peace, certainly challenges but peace in my life rather than fear, frustration and chaos.
Welcome Mike.... I'd encourage you to Google "toxic love", and print out the list of the differences between true/actual love, and the controlling and/or toxic love that you speak of.... I think you will find the difference quite startling, and may be a good foundation for you to work on, either as an individual, or even with your therapist.
Hope that helps, and you are among friends here...
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
HI Mike, I too know where you are. Even though it has been many years I remember.
I was in counseling and told the guy, "I just want to learn to be alone and be ok."
He made this awful comment,"OH you want to know how to be lonely and like it?"
Jerk.
sooo Being a widow at 27with two little kids, I was forced to get out there. I was scared to death. I had always had a boyfriend and then married. I felt so lopsided.
What helped me was going back to college, just a community one. I found out I was into things I did not know were there.
Having to work and be around people helped me to learn to be more sure of myself. Then what helped more was challenging myself. Skiing, was a manager of a food co op, started taking math, riding a bike four miles fast every day.
When I would accomplish things it helped my self esteem grow. Also I took every personal study class I could find. The ones who teach you to know yourself. Usually on week ends.
In time I became self actualized. I knew me, liked me and felt very ok alone. I was raising my two little kids myself, so I didn't want to have a man around.
So what I am saying, what can you do to challenge yourself? What things do you want to do? We need to learn about ourself, love ourself before we can ever know how to love someone else in a healthy way.
I don't need a mate in my life, but I very much want one.
For me it took walking out of my comfort zone. That is how I found out I was ok.
I can tell you right now, women are much more attracted to men who know themselves and have their own interests.
It is like it takes two pillars to hold something heavy up, one leaning on the other....just does not work. It collapses. welcome.
Aloha Mike...Glad you are here and I am another one that relates to what you posted here...it for me was all about getting self verification from another persons behavior with and around me and I kept choosing addicted people to verify me. No can do ever and I didn't know that till I reached the rooms of Al-Anon and spent lots and lots of time sitting down and listening and learning from the "elders". I learned about being as addicted to my alcoholic mates at they were addicted to alcohol and drugs and I didn't know anything about alcoholism or addiction. I was dumb as a stick and then I didn't know that I needed to know. I just assumed....bleah!! The program was and is about finding out about me...who I am, what I do and why I do what I do and how. I learned much about my "neediness" and how sick that was as I went about it. My alcoholics and addicts were sick and I was sicker because I didn't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out the reality of the disease in my life. I am soooo grateful for the rooms of Al-Anon and the membership and sponsorship and service. The literature is awesome and the steps, traditions and slogans are just what I needed to learn how to discipline my life.
Today I'm more sane than insane although I still have insane moments. The steps and HP and program help me clean that up.
What ever you're doing with your life stop...get into the rooms and learn the new recovery stuff.
Thank you everyone for accepting me with open arms. I hope to "shut up and listen" to all of you who have been down this path. I am sick to my stomach with the reality of my behavior. I hope that is a good sign, because I want nothing but to be happy with myself and feel free. I look forward to being on this site daily and learning and behaving in ways that take care of me.
Please don't "shut up" too much. Your post has given me lots to think about. Although I tend to try to be perfect and as uncontrolling as possible it is the same manipulation tactics at heart brought about by similar reasons of upbringing and first relationships.... well actually first and second and third relationships. Thank you.
