"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Hopeless · Senior Member

LIES, LIES and MORE LIES!!!

Goodtillitsbad · Veteran Member

yup, sounds about right. He can't go in the front door so he's trying to get at you from the back door. and WOW 9 steps in 1 month?
I am still working on step 1 and it's been 2 months with my sponsor (Al Anon not AA but still).

Sounds like you are doing the right thing, using your tools and stepping back. His behavior is his decision. Not yours. The good news is you have stepped off the roller coaster and aren't living with him and don't have to ride with a liar anymore because if you were he would tell you that you didn't need a seatbelt or something like that.
HUGS, you are doing great and I admire you. I am in a similar boat and it's been 2 months since I asked my AH to leave. He's still trying to 'get' to me too, so I totally hear you.

AGO · Veteran Member

Hopeless wrote:

When does it end and when do they get it's not working anymore....

It ends when I stop playing the game, and it doesn't matter that "they" get it's not working any more, it's only important that I get it. If I am saying "it's not working any more" then I continue to engage I am the one who wasn't getting it, not them, what we have is just "more of the same"

Trying to get "them" to see why it's over is still playing the same game for me, just new clothes on the same old tired dead horse I have been beating long after it was dead, if they could have seen my point of view it wouldn't have been over in the first place ya know? so if me trying to get them to see why the relationship wasn't working while still in the relationship didn't work, why did I insist on thinking I could get them to see why the relationship didn't work after it was over?

It's been a month since me and the A have been seperated and everything he says at this point is all lies = (    I'm almost offended that he thinks I'm that naive at this point...

He called me at 7:15pm telling me he just got back from seeing an apartment I try and make the conversation short and sweet but he refuses to end the call which ends in a nasty agrument,etc...    Mind you we have a daugther that has been sick so the communication has been more frequent.

At 7:50pm he "secretly" called my mother to apologize for all his done he told her he was "bored" and went to a meeting got a sponser and now is working the 9th step?!?!   He also asked her not to tell me that he called (really knowing that she would)...

He went to meetings the first week and realized it wasn't for him he can do this on his own. This has been a constant disagreement between us since I want him to get the help, being in this program I've learned the 3 c's so I've backed off...

So yeah... he is now on Step 9 and has a sponser?!?

So for me, what I had to was ask myself "when does it end" and my friends told me "when you stop playing the game, it is no longer on her, now it is on you, you are the one who keeps playing" I had to realize that I was just as responsible for keeping it alive by trying to figure out my "A"s behavior.

It ends when we say it does, and it ends when we stop climbing down in the playpen and playing

So what was helpful for me was to finally stop paying attention to what they were doing and statrt paying attention to what I am doing

Hope this made sense, I spent a long time where you are, far too long and it was painful and it sucked

-- Edited by AGO on Tuesday 25th of May 2010 10:07:51 AM

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hopeless - My wise old sponsor used to tell me a simple truth that I needed to hear..... "Why should she (my AW) have to work on her recovery, if you're so busy doing it??" It was one of those gentle but firm reminders for me to get out of her head, and what she was or wasn't doing, or who she was/wasn't manipulating, and turning that focus back onto MY recovery.....

Take care
Tom

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((Deana))))))),
When I am talking to my ex and the conversation leads to anything but the kids I can always say Sorry but I have to go now and hang up the phone. I don't always do this, but when I need to I do. We try and stick to just talking about the kids because the divorce is still new and there are still emotions on both sides, but it isn't always easy to stay on topic. We both have so much going on. When I try and steer the conversation back to the kids (or vice versa) and I get resistance or anger then all of the sudden I have something to attend to and have to hang up.

You don't have to participate anymore.

Keep the focus on you and what you are doing. Does it matter if he is working a 9th step? Working a program? Working with a sponsor? What matters is what your doing.

Yours in recovery,
Mandy

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

HOPELESS: you are not hopeless & thanks for reminding me of the 3 C"s!
What are they again? didn't cause it, can't cure it, & can't control it! Am I
right? I think I got it! anyone? Refresh my memory, OK?
Kathleen

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Deana)))   You're doing good!! Here's a favorite slogan for me, "DON'T REACT!!"
How can I not? I keep my expectations aligned with "If nothing changes...nothing
changes." My change was learning how to practice "DON'T REACT!"   When I was
nice and accomodating within my boundaries my alcoholic stopped pushing for more.
It works when you work it and you seem to be working it good.

I like what Tom said that his sponsor said cause what they said was right on...nuff
said.

(((((hugs))))) smile

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Over reaction as my middle name. After a long while and a great deal of work on detaching I stopped over reacting to any A's lies. I also no longer try to figure out what they really meant. I count that they'll lie after all they are lying to themselves

Maresie.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Deana,

Keep focusing on yourself, the only thing you have control over. His junk and lies are what they are---at the end of the day---they are only clutter. If you dwell on his clutter you are taking away from time you could be taking care of yourself and your senerity.

Mandy gave you some great ES&H. Her post reminded me of one of my favorite slogans "HOW IMPORTANT IS IT". After your daughter's health has been discussed how important is it to engage in a conversation filled with as you stated lies, lies, and more lies.
That's a question only you can answer.

You might want to tell him to go back and re-visit steps 4, 8, and 9, especially 9. From where I sit you should have known when he worked step 9. Only humor said with a straight face---tongue in cheek.

HUGS,
RLC

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Awww - don't worry about what he's doing or not doing. Either way, you can be better. It's hard, I know, but at the end of the day you can't make him recover and you can't make him get it. You have it - work it!!

Summer

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

The lying made me so angry, frustrated and hurt. Two thoughts helped me to detach and put my focus on other things.

1. Eventually the truth comes to light. Even the government unseals files after 100 years or something.

2. And this quote "Every decision I make is a reflection of who I am and the value I place upon myself."

With those two thoughts I found that I had the patience to wait for the truth to become apparent to me or whoever. And how I reacted was my truth, soon that became so much more important.

Jen

-- Edited by Jennifer on Tuesday 25th of May 2010 10:48:21 PM

Melissa21 · Senior Member

I think I wrote a post quite similar about a year ago! And just yesterday I was discussing this with another alanon member! I'm not quite sure the lies stop. Well maybe if they work a program and what not.. but i've been gone over a year and since I left it seemed the lies just got worse and for some crazy reason i expected them to stop since we were no longer together .. Not reacting to them seems to be helping me.. and of course not expecting them to tell the truth ..

-- Edited by Melissa21 on Tuesday 25th of May 2010 11:02:00 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"