Is his behaviour common-or am I really insane?! - Al-Anon Family Group

looking_for_peace · Veteran Member

Is his behaviour common-or am I really insane?!

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

No, you're not insane. Alcoholism is insane, though - it is very common that alcoholics turn things around to make the non-drinker look and feel like the crazy one. It takes the focus off the real problem, and gives the drinker an "excuse" to drink (like he or she needs an excuse, right? It's raining so they drink. It's sunny so they drink. They're happy so they drink. They're sad so they drink. And so on and so on). I don't think this behavior is specific to alcoholics who finally recognize they are about to lose everything - I think it's just alcoholic behavior period, regardless of what the alcoholic recognizes or doesn't.

Don't worry so much about what he's accusing you of - you know it's not true. Sounds like a good time to practice your detachment.

Keep coming back!! :)

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds like he is dilligently gathering a case to support his own denial.

Hopeless · Senior Member

I'm going to go with COMMON!!!

I'm at the same point in this crazy, insane roller coaster ride with my A and it's exhausting!!!

I'm just waiting for the lies and pointing fingers to S T O P!!!   I was aware from reading this board just how common it is but I have no idea when it ends = (

My only advice (which was told to me and I am presently doing) is focusing on detachment...       It's hard as all hell but if I don't do this he is bound to really make me the crazy, insane one from his behavior!!!

Not going or allowing this to happen = )

GOOD LUCK!

AGO · Veteran Member

Read this:

Incredible Article about abuse

It is common for men who are "called" on their abusive behavior to blame the woman, and claim SHE was the abuser. He may even point to his abusive childhood as proof that he is just an innocent victim. The truth of the matter is that abusers generally DO have a history of abuse stemming from their childhood, with emotionally abusive and/or physically abusive parents.

Like the alcoholic, an abuser must admit his behavior to himself and others, and seek help. Unfortunately, not all therapy works, and not all people who go into therapy are ready or willing to do the personal work necessary to get better and eliminate their destructive patterns. As such, abusers are not safe people - even after they enter therapy. It can take years of therapy to unravel and undo the damage and self-hate that has driven someone to abuse. During that time, the abuser may actually get worse before his behavior improves, if it changes at all. It is quite common for deeply disturbed people who enter therapy to initially use the therapy to project their problems on everyone else and point out the character flaws of those around them, rather than face their own internal demons. Until they can be honest with themselves and the therapist, the therapy will accomplish nothing. For a person who has spent a lifetime of lying and hating themselves, honesty does not come easily.

More disturbingly, some abusers can and DO go into therapy as a ploy - to make it LOOK like they are actually working on their own behavior, and accepting responsibility for their actions, when, in fact, the real motive is to arm themselves with distortions of the therapist's words and tools, in an effort to heighten and increase the psychological warfare. The bottom line, is that you can't trust an abuser, the same way you can't trust the married man who is having an affair and keeps promising to leave his wife.

The more subtle forms of emotional abuse can be the hardest to escape from, because the gaps between the loving, caring behavior and the emotional cruelty can span several weeks or months. However, someone who is nice and caring, and helpful for 2 or 3 months at a time, but then deliberately does or says something very emotionally devastating and cruel to a partner is no better than someone who does the same nice things but then PUNCHES his partner once every few months. The pain, the insecurity, the uncertainty, and the heartache are the same. The bruises and the welts are on the inside instead of the outside, and they take far longer to heal. While someone may be emotionally blindsided by major episodes of emotional cruelty, and may even recognize it as abuse, abused partners often "overlook" the subtle everyday criticisms, "chain yanking", and emotional blackmail that are woven into the fabric of their relationship, accepting (or denying) it as just part of a "relationship". Unfortunately, it's part of a very UNHEALTHY relationship.

Hopeless · Senior Member

I just read that what AGO posted and my first reaction was "so even with going to AA and working the program the abuse he projected on me will pretty much never go away"???

ugh... this is all just overwhelming..

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like projection to me.

Maresie.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Looking...Paranoia, fear, low to no self esteem, denial and delusion (sp) are all
a natural part of the disease of alcoholism.   All you gotta do it take care of your part
in it. The second of our 12 steps says, "Came to believe that a Power greater than
ourselves could restore us to SANITY." Insanity is a huge part of the symptoms of
alcoholism. The disease affects our minds, bodies, spirits and emotions so if you are
feeling off balanced in the relationship you are qualified for Al-Anon. If you are not
attending face to face meetings in your area I highly suggest you do and get as much
literature about the disease as you can and read it all.   One thing he might not be
able to do if he sneaks into the house again is read your Al-Anon literature and
accuse you of being the alcoholic...unless of course that fits you also. Then the
program becomes doubly important.    Of course he isn't going to stand in front of
you and announce to you or any others "She is correct!!". He will deny until he
cannot any longer and you might not be around to hear it.

Self help books can pretty much ring anybody's bell if the reader wants to use them
that way. He might just be feeling abused because you don't do things his way and
resist his expectations, wants and desires. It's just how he sees things...doesn't
make him right on.

Keep coming back and try as many Al-Anon meetings as you can for the next 90
days if you are not already.

In support (((((hugs))))) smile

If he is living elsewhere...change your locks or get a TRO...something to secure your
safety; mind, body, spirit and emotions.

lyndebi · ~*Service Worker*~

It is a weird symptom of addiction that the A transfers blame to the partner or whoever. I have heard soooo many times that the addict is calling wife or sig. other crazy.

All I know is my A told me that he feels so guilty that he cannot face it is all him.

You said you asked him to leave? One thing for sure, they lose respect when we make a boundary or say somethingthen don't follow through.

We learn at Al Anon we have to teach others how to treat us.Even the A in our life.

I know for me the heaviness of living with that insanity made me forget to "lighten up." That was when I started saying, "Oh you must be right." had some others but forgot what they are!

I learned to take a breath and think its the addict disease talking disease so why bother listening or taking it serious.

the taking the note to the counselor, "thats an idea." not fighting or agreeing or anything.

Apparently he does not take you seriously as he is in your stuff!

One thing about boundaries is the consequenses have to be very clear. And we must follow through.

I mess uped so much when I did not have any tools at all. And still messed up then thought, "dang I forgot to ..." BUT that is good. Becuz the next time I remembered.

Glad you are here, keepcoming back. hugs,debilyn

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm another one who can assure you that your are not insane. The A blaming others, especially the wife or husband, is a classic trait.

For several years I was beginning to doubt my sanity - especially my memory. He'd blame me for not telling him something, when I did. He'd blame me for misinterpretting what he'd told me, when I didn't. I could go on, but you get the gist.

Our adult son was living with us a few years back while he was finishing up college. He did his best keeping out of our business. But he does recall hearing our arguments,especially his dad always telling me how forgetful I was. Our son didn't quite know how much of it was true. But then a few weeks ago, he came to me and said that he now knows why I always doubted myself. His dad had been living with him for 7 weeks straight. But our son moved him out because he said that he couldn't take it any longer. He says that he now realizes why I am divorcing his dad. Prior to those 7 weeks with his dad, he thought my decision to divorce was somewhat self-serving - too extreme. He doesn't any longer.

If I had to do it over again, I would not have argued, nor would I have listened to his distorted view on things. Now whenever he calls and starts up with the blame game, I say something like, "We'll talk another time; see ya." Click. I won't waste another minute on his nonsense.

Hope this helps

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Tuesday 25th of May 2010 08:12:53 PM

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Tuesday 25th of May 2010 08:15:12 PM

mon123 · Veteran Member

Hopeless wrote:

I just read that what AGO posted and my first reaction was "so even with going to AA and working the program the abuse he projected on me will pretty much never go away"???

ugh... this is all just overwhelming..

My A husband was abused as a child. He was extremely abusive, (though not physically thank God). I have to admit I smiled at the first share on this thread because it was so familiar.
My A went to therapists and convinced them he was fine and I was crazy. Eventually I began to believe it. I knew he lied though becasue he also accused me of having affairs and I knew that was definately not true.
He also lied about going to therapists. One story was that he went to an hypnotherapist but he has to wait till they had to find an interpreter because he didn't speak English till he was 11 and Welsh interpreters were hard to find!!!!!
Funny now smile

I diagnosed him myself as someone sufferering with a Narcissistic personality disorder and probebly wasn't an alcoholic. I went to Alanon but told them I might be there under false pretences. They just said 'does his drinking bother you? You're in the right place then...
I decided after being on an internet forum about NPD to leave him and have no contact at all for a year.
Difficult to do with 3 kids.
During our 2 year seperation while I tried to stay out of contact he found sobriety thanks to AA
Obviously I didn't trust this new found sobriety.

But we're now 4 years on from that and he's fine. Hes a 'normal alcoholic' with all the usual ISM's but he has the capacity to be honest and thats what his program demands.
We have a good married relationship and he has re gained the trust of his kids.

The big book states that some people ARE too sick to recover. Some do not have the capacity to be honest. Those are lost souls.
But most can recover regardless of other mental ailments. I have found most have something else underlying. Whether its past abuse, bi polar, OCD, ADHD.... not always but there is often something else underlying that explains the compulsive behaviour. Its never a surprise to me when it becomes more obvious in sobriety.

So what ever is wrong or not wrong please don't discount AA. Our alcoholics are who they are. We either CHOOSE to stay with them or we don't. We can't change them.
I've learned to detach from the insanity ( his and mine) and begin to live the life I choose to live.....well I'm getting there anyway.
One day at a time
I ask myself everyday. Just for today, Do I choose to be in this relationship.
For 25 years I tried everything to make it work and failed.
For 2 years the answer was no and I walked away.
But today and just for today the answer is yes, I can function as myself and look after my needs regardless of his behaviour....Yes he projected his abuse onto me for years. but he doesn't do it any more. We've been back in relationship for 3 years. I'm not going to say its been easy, but Alanon gave a choice. I'm not in Alanon because he drinks. I'm in Alanon because I became ill trying to force him not to.
My sanity is very precious to me now but then so is his to him.

What will be will be....thats in the future and we can't predict it.
Yesterday has gone and all that hurts there shouldn't be stared at. If I choose to be a victim to them today I only hurt myself. But that is true for him too. He has let his past go (most of the time)
Today is all we have.... I choose to look for serenity today.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.