The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The A has been relentless with me this weekend regarding wanting to borrow the car.. I've stuck to my guns by telling him no but he is not taking to it well, he is constantly calling asking...
Now I know with having co dependency issues this is huge step for me but why do I feel so guilty?!?! Shouldn't I be feeling proud of myself for not allowing this to happen?
I guess I'm just confused with my emotions....
Thanks for letting me share.
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Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
Yes, you SHOULD be proud of yourself! But we are so used to being made to feel guilty by our As, and even by ourselves, that guilt is almost automatic. Most new things include some adjustment. That certainly goes for new behaviors like taking care of ourselves first and sticking up for what we know is right. But it gets easier with practice. I'M proud of you for not backing down on the issue despite the constant calling & asking. Hang in there and try not to feel guilty about it. (((hopeless)))
Beginning to initiate new boundaries or any boundaries at all is difficult for most of us at first. Degrees of guilt are experienced. With practice, the guilt becomes less and less. Another thing I have discoverd is that the urge (compulsion is more ilkeit) to justify my boundaries gets weaker and weaker. Keep up the good work!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Be proud of yourself. I had alot of guilt also. Making the decision and following thru to take care of you first is hard and felt so right and so wrong at the same time. In time and with practice those feelings lessen and some go away.
It does feel weird saying "No" when you are used to always saying "Yes".
At one point, I got so wrapped up in guilt that I sat down and made a list of things I felt guilty about. For each thing on my list, I then asked myself if it was real or false guilt.
For a codependent like me, the list was pretty long! I had some really ridiculous stuff on that list too - it went back to things I said or did when I was a child.
The amazing thing I discovered was that literally 99% of the stuff I felt guilty about was unearned (false) guilt. That left me with a much smaller list to identify if I needed to make amends (if I hadn't already done so) and put down ideas of what each amend could be. As a result, my list is much more manageable and I'm now better able to make a choice to take better care of myself without the added burden of unearned guilt.
Am I 100% perfect and guilt-free? Not by a long shot. Am I happier and more peaceful? Absolutely!
Hope this helps - take what you like and leave the rest.
Aloha Deana...I also learned that I could choose my feelings rather than let them fall into default. Guilt was at one time the default and then I learned others to replace guilt. You are open to change and that is right on. I like also what GailMichelle said because that also is part of my experience in recovery. ((((hugs))))
You should feel proud of yourself, guilt is an emotion that active a's are very good at making us feel.....seperate yourself...you def did the right thing....what if you gave him the car and he killed someone....there that should relieve your guilt...in my opinion........
Remember "NO" is a complete sentence, with no explanation or guilt required. Don't forget boundaries are put in place for you---to protect you. He can't make you feel guilty, only you can make you feel guilty. As Andrea stated if you had said yes and he killed someone, that would be guilt.
To answer one of your questions in your post---yes---you should be proud of yourself for not letting it happen. It's only a guess of mine but I don't think HP would have wanted you to say yes either!!
Keep working your program, and taking care of yourself.
Deana, I can relate to that. Telling him no and then lots of guilt afterwards. Then I realized that was old behavior, old ways of thiking and I didn't have to feel guilty for standing up for me.
When I look back at my motives for why I did some of what I did during my marraige I realize that I made myself feel horrible over nothing. For me they key was that I made myself feel....which let me know that I didn't have to feel that way.
Keep taking care of you and then that will become your norm.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Well done, Deanna - you have taken a big step and yes, you should feel proud.
I too, have felt guilty every time I have taken steps, such as seperating our finances, moving out of "our" bedroom into my own room, going on holiday on my own - all these things have brought pride, tinged with gulit. But I have done them.
Keep on focusing on you and what is right for you and your children.
