The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday I woke up feeling horrible. Very down, depressed, dreams about my dead husband, and mother etc.
I physically feel ill. shakey. know I cannot be around people. Had a lovely NOT my disablility symptom happen.
My head just cannot soften anything. Why am I even here, there is no one to talk to, no one around. Nothing I do matters anymore. I am so alone this is insane. I can see what makes people who have this disability off themselves. Not good thoughts.
I know the only reason I don't take a pile of pills is I love my hp way too much and would never want to hurt him that way. I can even talk myself into that it just does not matter that I would lose eternal life and never see my passed on loved ones again.
It does not stop my appreciation of the greeness of where I live, the flowers color popping up all over, a pretty horse in a pasture. I still know I am blessed so much with a home, animals, peace and serenity. NO drama.
I had to go to the store for fresh vegis and fruit for the tortoises. Had to was out of water too. I felt so not there, so detached. My hair is a mess, I am so dang swollen from the aneth from the surgery. ick I cannot get comfort. Would if I could.I do read my Bible a lot and it is the only thing that touches me.
Lonliness is eating me up.
Then today I wake up and realize I feel ok. If those bad thoughts of being too alone hit me, something sorta moves over it like a blanket, softens it so it is not eating me up. So opposite of yesterday!
Nothing changed, still alone, still have not talked to anyone. I thank hp for hanging on to me tight.
maybe it is I took my meds too late. so I made sure I took them early this morn.
All I know is it is really strange to feel a total opposite of myself from one time to another and I never know when it is coming.
I had dreams like my mouth was full of thick dried out peanut butter. I think that is becuz i feel like I swallow so much crap that I don't deal with. So I am trying to get this stuff out of my mouth.
Wish I could go to counseling. Have said that a lot. I need that one on one, face to face.
Wish it was as easy as changing my thought pattern. Glad it is for some people. But I did push me to go to the store for the tortoises.
If I did not have these animals.....yikes. love,debilyn
I hear you and can relate. Some days I have the same destructive thoughts float thru my mind . I start repeating the serenity prayer, get to a meeting(I know you cannot do that) but I also come here to chat or just to post. I alos try to make telephone calls . By the time I have done this the mood seems to lift and I am as you describe peaceful and serene. I can look at the beauty all around but still feel the pain of l my loss. I give myself permission to feel that grief and then make sure I get out to the store etc. You are not alone and are loved.
I hope today is another good day! My goofy moostiff got your kiss and sends a soft smooch back. He just learned this somehow, at night instead of whining or drooling on me if he needs to go out, he comes up and does a tiny little dry lick on the side of my face. LOL It is much nicer than the drool drops making me dream I am in the rain. I bet your place is so pretty right now. I like the new picture too, he or she actually makes a mud bath look inviting
Anywhoo thank you for the nice response. Glad someone else relates. I honestly was NOT like this before my almost ex ah came along. Am usually so even keeled and happy.
Woke up serene again today. I am watching this little silly black kitty, (a dumpee of couse yes i got her spayed) jumping on and teasing the guinea birds as they walk thru the yellow buttery flowers. (o:
The guinea birds are not impressed, but they terrorize everyone, so they deserve it!''
Just made a great soaking tub for the Redfoot tortoises. They were very happy, however were appauled by my taking pictures when they were naked.....(o:
We all have those days I had so many together that I can't count....pick yourself up girlfriend you will be fine....I know only too well the loneliness of loosing the one we love....it is heart breaking and lonely.....this may never pass but we do learn to move forward anyway...we have to...we are blessed to be here today and every day we wake up is a blessing.
think about what you have eaten a couple of days before feeling this way. Watch and see if you can find a pattern. You are what you eat and I do believe that. If you have an allergy to something it can change your whole outlok on life sometimes.
Thank you Andrea. You are so young in your healing from your loss. Meaning it was not that long ago.
You know I didn't believe this but I do think it is true, least it is for me. When I married this almost ex AH I honestly felt so much better. It was not he took the place, but it filled the space.
It was such an amazing time for me. A time of no pain or drama. Just normal married stuff.
Like when someone stole my beautiful Basset hound. It hurt so bad, I had just lost my AH here too. When I was given a Basset pup, he filled the space, to this day he helps me thru that one.
But this emptiness HUGE hole sometimes gets rotten and I wake up and OH there it is!
I am sad you feel it for days. Hoping the kiddo's help you. I mean just by being close. I know they can be a pain...mine sure can, and I love it! (o; I have been called a pain LOVINGLY all my life. lol
Anyway I am thankful you responded. You are a good friend. love you,debilyn
I love your picture Gaily (o: You are so cute. good loving family.
Yes I completely agree, I have been into health a very long time. am 3 mo. from my degree in public health and education.
Was in the 60's thing where we were all vegies and reading ingrediants.
Great question though. What is funny is I just started counting my calories. I eat different than most, am a vegan. Not much into spices, very simple closest to nature food.
I am addicted to sugar so been watching that very close. You made me think though. The Anethstesia. can't spell that, really made me bloat up and not feel right. I still am not like I was. Maybe my bod is cleaning that out still.
Thank you for caring. That means more than you know. love,debilyn
