The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am really not sure where this thread is going to go. I am just going to get in the car and see where it takes me. I have a nagging voice in the back of my head and sometimes just hearing her out is the only way I can get her to shut up.
I have had an up and down week emotionally and what it all comes down to really is that I don't have patience. I refuse to pray for it, because I know what happens when you do. My HP does not give me patience he allows me to learn it and right now I am not looking for another fabulous growth opportunity lol they can find me without me even looking for them.
So lack of patience and my total lack of compassion, understanding, kindness and love for a person in my life who needs it so much....Me! I can be the most gentle, understanding, loving person to all my friends, but I can't treat myself the same way.
I want recovery and I want it now dang it!
I spent almost 13 years with an alcoholic/addict. I spent a good portion of those 13 years eating like a stoner. Eating to cover up the loneliness, anger, self-hatred and all the other negative mindsets that I kept myself locked in. I also married a man that liked bigger women. So throughout the course of our marriage I tried to be what he wanted even though it was making me miserable. Whenever I decided to try to get fit then I was "going to leave him" or I "had someone who I was cheating on" him with. So I stopped. I felt trapped.
Today my recovery includes meetings, working with my sponsor, working the steps and some major work at the gym. My friends tease me because I am a gym rat now. I laugh because if I am going to be a rat then being a gym one isn't such a bad thing. I am working hard, loving it and getting results. The whole change in my eating habits is easy and except for a few things I really don't feel as if I am missing out.
The problem....back to the lack of patience. It isn't happening fast enough for me. When I check in with my coach and I don't get the results that I want on the scale I get angry with myself. I am at the gym every day, sometimes twice a day. So I know I am doing all I can. I logically know this, but try telling the insane woman who lives in me that. Or maybe it's the sane one and she is tired of seeing the insanity.
The anger....it comes from me wanting to be rid of him. We are divorced and he isn't in my life day to day, but every day I see what my choices while living with the disease has done to me. I mean literally I can see it. So It's like I can see my disease and I want it gone. NOW! lol.
It is also comes from I know the smaller I get the less attractive to him I will be, and boy do I want that now! I don't like the way he looks at me when I am around him. I want him to stop and I can't control that. He knows where I stand and that there isn't a possibility of anything happening between us again. Too much happened, too much hurt was caused and some of it while I can move on from I can never let him touch me again. He knows this, but I want to become everything he doesn't want. lol yes I can hear how sick that sounds.
As much as I want it all to be done I am loving the journey. (Reminds me of the Miley Cyrus song "The Climb") I am learning so much and changing my attitudes and actions. When I am sad I go to the gym and not eat something to fill that empty spot, but end up feeling worse. When I am angry I go to the gym and the intense work out is almost better than sex lol I am not kidding. I work out and work through whatever is going on inside me. You stick yourself on an elliptical machine for an hour and you have a lot of time to reflect.
I wasn't seeing the results on the scale that I wanted this week and instead of talking to my coach about it I pouted. So last night I checked in with my trainer and I am down 9 inches in 3 weeks (THIS IS HUGE I KNOW IT). I talked with her. I have been increasing the intensity of the workouts and the length to get a really good sweat on (If I am not sweating then it doesn't feel like I am working out). She told me that I am probably retaining water in my sore muscles because the workout is good which causes blood flow and the muscles to swell and once they get over this new intensity then I will see my results and the next time I increase the intensity I can expect the same thing. Now wouldn't it have been easier to talk to her instead of pouting all week and not treating myself very nice? lol yes, but heck I HAVE to learn things the hard way.
I need to be patient with me, I need to remember that this too is one day at a time. I need to recognize the trigger of seeing him again (this weekend) and acknowledge how this is affecting me. I see that I have more work to do on me!
Okay shes quiet again. Thanks for being here.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
whoa! Slow down there lady! lol I used to be an athlete (not working out right now at all) and the muscle weighs more than fat, sinc eu have increased intesnity, u are building up the muscle and even though our bodies might be changing in BMI - U might even see slight weight gain or a plateau on the scale. That is why measuring in BMI % and inches, is a better way to measure your work.
Twice a day - I have been there a long time ago -but- I was often eating next to nothing and I did often take out my own pain/anger on myself by working out too much, not eating enough and not truly being off, resting/relaxing.
On the self love note - the way I learned to love me, was to treat me like - a new best friend I really wanted to get to know. I took a % of love I gave to others and applied it to me. It was foreign, weird, terrifying even but I knew what kind and gentle looked like, so when a negative self thought would come up, I would apologize to me, turn it into a positive statement and carry on. One day at a time, became one thought at a time and I turned around my negative inner script and developed a positive, nurturing one.
Focus on YOU beceomming healtheir and detach from what ur (ex?) AH likes or doesnt like, who cares what he thinks? Forgive YOU for buying into pleasing/chaning for him, move on and focus on pleasing yourself.
I have also found that being loving, having patience, detaching from other's with love and forgiveness are all things that I have to actively practise to have at all.
Remember to rest, recover (the muscles) and take it easy some times too, ok.
I was just thinking about my response here and thought too, I was comapring myself in the process of recovery and kept wanting to judge and gauge where I was at - I had to stop doing that completely and just get into the process of it, then I did expereince more changes. There is no destination or arrival in life or program ~ everything is a process.
-- Edited by kitty on Thursday 20th of May 2010 11:55:09 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
(((((Mandy))))) while we're loving you, you gotta love you too. I didn't read anything there about Mandy being gentle with Mandy...sounded like a binge...gotta have it all and gotta have it now. Ours is a spiritual program first I learned and the physical comes later. You reminded me of early lessons such as Frustration is the absense of Patience and the absense of Patience is the absense of Peace...of mind and the absense of Serenity. The absense of Peace and Serenity is an absense of God and the absense of God is the absense of Love of others and myself. It is all webbed together. I hope you spend time working up a good Peace as you are working up a good sweat. Unconditional love doesn't arrive after you are looking good. Unconditional Love says that you already are. In support ...Be a dolphin...(((((hugs)))))
Wow - reading parts of your post could be me. I was a great self punisher!! I was always underweight, smoked like a steam engine, and was a whirlwind in motion!! I've quit smoking, I've gotten to where I'm not in a hurry anymore - every moment is to savored, and now I'm trying to lose 10-15 pounds so my clothes will fit!! LOL.
I think the best part of my "continuing" recovery is learning to "like" myself. I'm reading some really good self help books on WHY I feel the way I feel and it seems like once I understand it and justify it, I can move on. I also have to do one nice thing every day, for somebody (they don't have to know what I did) and this in turn makes me feel good about myself, I also journal, and pray.
I think all of us, at some point in our lives, was well. Something happened to help make us the way we are. I'm with you, I want to be well YESTERDAY! Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be working out that way for me... So... keep up what you are doing.... you are doing great, keep working the program.
I have lost 50 lbs since I left the ex A. The weight loss has happened in the last year. Ironically the weight loss is related to my giving up my people pleasing martyr behavior which was of course actively encouraged by not only the ex a but many other significant people in my life. So I would say the reaction I have had from others regarding the weight loss as well as the change of behavior is not one of joy or glee since they had some investment in my being a people pleaser.
I have many more pounds to go. I know I also have a long way to go in working an al anon program. Delving into how I got so enmeshed with an alcoholic/addict is rich, rewarding and dynamic work.
I'm glad you have lost the weight and feel invigorated by the process. Since I hit the 50 lb weight loss I have been on a plateau and I'm now ready to leave it as well as some other self defeating behaviors.
Way to go! Waiting to see results from changed eating habits and workouts is frustrating sometimes. Similar to every other wonderful thing in our lives it is the small steps that get us there. I know it is not as easy reminding myself to be proud of what I did that day to get where I want to go but in the long run I tend to remember fondly the journey more than the destination. Keep taking care of you
Hmmm - relate to that whole lack of patience thing. Actually, pretty much your whole post (except I'm not a gym rat at the moment .... one thing at a time for me )
I read something a couple of weeks ago and it stuck with me and now I'm compelled to share it here: "patience is the early blossom on the tree of faith"
and right now I am not looking for another fabulous growth opportunity lol they can find me without me even looking for them.
LOL.
So... keep up what you are
